He is 2

I have written, and rewritten this post a dozen times. Nothing seems fitting. Today my son is 2. Today he was a smiling, happy, outgoing, inquisitive 2 year old. And I just watched and was thankful that he has reason to smile and is so dang amazing. 

My ex came and participated in the water park play and bbq that i held with just the kids. We were calm, we were peaceful. But we both could feel the underlying current of the day and were both on our toes. We were kind, we were calm, we were exactly who we were when our marriage was good. And that brought a tinge of sadness. Made me think of how much i missed who we were before. And then I woke up from my pathetic idiocy to realize, that wasn't living. 

My son came to me for a reason. He didn't come to save me, because that is NO childs' job. But he came to teach me. And oh how he has yet again taught me today on the day of his birth. We weren't living. I was scared and sad and lonely, my ex was miserable and hiding and pretending. We loved each other, we still love each other. But we never loved ourselves enough to stop being hurt by the other. Today I was reminded of that by a friend and my son.

I have so many unspoken words on my heart. But as i continue to write them and delete, nothing seems to express how i'm really feeling. But i didn't want to go yet again off the radar, silent. I'm here. I'm feeling, i'm healing, i'm growing. I'm learning to be me all by myself for probably the first time in my entire life.