Heartwounds

I've been rather quiet this weekend because I've had a few heartwounds that were ripped wide open at church on Sunday. My son was in rare form, he'd not slept much and decided to start his day at 5 am on Sunday much to my dismay. So I got us all ready and arrived for church early, hoping my make up was hiding the exhaustion though my attitude clearly couldn't be hidden as I was rather unsociable.

And then as we sat in church both for morning and evening services, I walked away feeling prodded, angry and exhausted all over again. Both times marriage and divorce came up. Both times I heard the term 'broken home' and 'not the will of God' and I sat there at first in righteous anger thinking 'how DARE you judge and preach doctrine when you haven't lived it. And I sat quietly, willing myself not to completely lose it and burst into tears as I sat and just tuned out and read verses in my bible that had meaning to me. I'm sure many will say i wasn't listening to the will of God or some other such nonsense. But no matter the church and no matter how much I love God, I truly believe that unless you've lived it, you may not have as much right as you think to preach on it.

For me it was a slap in the face. I did all the things the bible commanded of me. I turned my cheek a thousand times, I continued to support and be the submissive wife at the risk of myself and my children physically. I prayed and I yearned and was a faithful christian and when that didn't work I tried all the alternatives. And yet, this weekend I heard how divorce is wrong in God's eyes.

Yes, divorce is wrong in my eyes too. It is painful, it is not how a family is meant to be, it is not God nor a couple's plans. But we cannot control nor change the direction the other party takes and by refusing to admit that sometimes life doesn't turn out how the bible or how we want, it leaves us being left as victims. I am no victim. I am a survivor and I still to this day love the man that fathered my children and I spent 11 years with, not out of weakness but out of loyalty, a commitment to my vows and knowing myself enough to know that when i love someone, i love them forever. There is NO sin in that.

But this leaves me to a place in my life where I am realizing in many churches, there is no place for those of us who are going through divorce. We have a faith, we have a commitment, we don't push it on the rest of the world but it is our own spirituality and we have these believes that leaves a very, if not invisible place in congregations. Where is the support and classes for those of us going through divorce?

Our church is starting a new class semester. My choices are: Evangelism (something I feel is not where i need to be as i relearn my own faith all over again), Fundamentalism (how the church works, which i know from the inside out having been 'raised on the pew' and attended a christian college) and Relationships and Parenting (something i'm no where ready to even think about and as I am a single parent know there wont be much about single parenting as a christian). And so it makes me feel as i did as a teen who was the product of a divorced home in a christian religion where very few members were divorced or from divorced home. And it makes me feel for my children.

Today my 6 year old told me about how one of her class mates asked her about her parents and my dd told me that she explained her parents were divorced, and lived in separate homes and how she saw her dad a few times a month. The friend responded with, "Wow, that's really weird and sad" and the look on my dd's face about broke my heart.

Divorce is not the norm in many congregations, especially not the religion we grew up in. But there needs to be an understanding and a place for me and my children, because as of sunday i was ready to run far far away from church. It hurt, it made me worry about how my children will be received, it reminded me of how i grew up and how i was received from the 'in tact' families and was judged for being a child of a divorced family and i'm realizing my children will and have already come across this, no fault of their own. I have EVERY biblical reason for a divorce, but children cannot understand that and no preacher can begin to understand how he sends daggers into my heart when he begins to preach against divorce.

My heart is aching and i realize that it may soon be time to move on and find a new home congregation, but it's a hard thing because it is as if i am losing yet another part of me . . . the religion of my childhood. I have a lot to ponder, a lot to think about and a lot of praying/soul searching to do. Another part of divorce that you simply just don't think about . . . where do we fit in after the fall out?