In less than 9 hours

In less than 9 hours my son turns 2. The emotions are overwhelming, i wont deny them. I found the birth videos, i've watched them a few times and a friend posted a song that hits home: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Uw6ZkbsAH8 . It hits home in the deepest, darkest, most painful of ways. We once upon a time were on the same side and he really hurt me.

A year ago I was hosting a 1st birthday, smiling and pretending all was well. All along the way knowing he had cheated on me but not daring to speak it to the world the secret i had found out a few days previously, because i knew, that if I spoke it . . . if i dared to admit to it, it would ruin the magic of my first and only son's first birthday. So i kept it within, didn't dare speak the heartbreaking sadness that was surrounding my soul. And we threw a huge birthday part, not allowing myself to think of his actual birth day. I was sick as a dog, I had a bug that kept making me throw up. And my guests knew it was not contagious and excused me as i went back and got sick repeatedly. And my husband ignored me. And my son played.

A year later, I can't even imagine hosting a party. I can't imagine celebrating. I don't even know how i can even begin to pretend to get through tomorrow. I can't even bring back the imagines, thoughts, emotions of the day. I want to erase every single video, but i don't dare because i know one day they wont hurt. But for the next 24 hours, i just want to float away and disappear. I don't want to think about the day. I don't want to think about all that i accomplished, all that i feared. I just want to be . . . and not think about the aftermath. But i can't. It's there, like a leach. Sucking the joy out of tomorrow, knowing that a year ago my husband was sleeping with someone else and pretending. It's there, looking at the birth video and seeing the fear and forknowing in my eyes. I honestly do not know how in the hell i'm going to get through the pain of tomorrow. I should be filled with joy that we have hit the 2 year mark with an incredibly amazing yet difficult child, and yet . . .i'm filled with dread and pain. One day i hope my son can forgive me. I hope he can know that despite how much i'm hurt and broken i loved him beyond anything in this entire world, that i loved him and his sisters to the point of doing everything for them. And that while his 2nd birthday wasn't spectacular, it was something that i loved him enough to survive. And that's what i'm doing right now. .  .surviving.