Today was a day that the children's father got to pick up the kids and take them to his home, until today I've done fairly well maintaining a strong front and reassuring the children that all is well and they will have a great time. But as my 2 year old started screaming and crying huge crocodile tears, I completely lost it. Huge tears started rolling down my face as I changed my son's diaper and reassured him all was well. I gathered myself and kissed them and gave them all big hugs, their dad just standing there helplessly. He put his hand on my arm and asked what he could do and looked at me and said, "J, I never meant for any of this to happen, I'm soooo sorry'. And i turned away and said 'just go'. It was simply all my soul could take and his touch was like a burning coal and i wanted nothing to do with it.
I'd already spent a few hours gathering clothes, toys, and various items that he could keep at his house so that our children felt as if they had a place in his home. I wanted them to be able to come there and have things they loved and recognized, instead of living in a state of constantly being shipped back and forth. But oh, how very hard it was for me. My soul kept screaming, "This is NOT how it was suppose to go. This was NOT what I signed up for'. And yet, i pushed through and did my level best to make sure and include things my children loved, no matter how it made me feel.
And so they left, and I sat down and just bawled with everything in me. Annoyed that i'd actually done my make up today as I had plans for the rest of the afternoon and evening. Then I realized I was 30 minutes late and had to get my butt up and keep living. I'd made plans with my BFF to go to the shooting range with her and her DH and learn how to properly and safely handle a firearm as I had decided months ago that I needed to eventually purchase a handgun and a safe because I never knew when the kids' father could possibly go off the handle again. And so I got in my car, ran through the drive through and headed out to their house.
Today it hit about 106-108 degrees, so talk about hot. The heat and I do not mix thanks to a previous run in with heat stroke. But I was adamant nothing was going to stop me. I needed to do something proactive and I needed to be doing something that kept my mind off the kids. I also needed to conquer my fear of guns, something i'd put off for years and years.
I grew up without any guns in the house. Was never around them until high school when I had my first encounter of one being laid out in a home of the guy who raped me. The next encounter I had with a gun was having one pulled on me in the streets of the city I grew up on. So clearly, i've had nothing but horrible interactions with guns and thought I would never ever handle one. I also had told my ex for years that we would NEVER, EVER have one under our roof where our children could get ahold of them. Oh how the times change.
And so today, my bff's hubby gave me a very thorough lesson on safety, proper handling and what to expect and taught me how to use a 22 and a 40 caliber. I was immediately drawn to the 22, it seemed 'safer' for some reason. And we walked onto the range with our protective eye wear and ear wear. I was a nervous wreck and thought that at any moment i would pass out or puke, just hearing the rounds going off around me made me jump every time, which I admit made my bff's hubby laugh a bit.
And then we walked up and T (bff's hubby) loaded the guns and went over how to properly hold and shoot. Reminding me that with the 22 I had to cock the gun each and every time. And i started. I didn't do so bad, I was able to hit between the 8 and 9s and the center on the target. Though I wasn't happy because, well I like perfection and I wanted to get it dead on in the center each and every time. T had me put the gun down and made me breath, he told me i wasn't breathing and i was jerking to try and prepare myself for the impact. I started breathing and then he reloaded and we did it again. Better this time. Then my bff took a turn. And then T loaded the 40 caliber. He reminded me that this gun had a much bigger kick and was automatic so if my finger was on the trigger it could shoot if i squeezed and I started sweating profusely, to the point I wasn't sure I could do it. I felt fear and sick to my stomach, this was the same gun I had been threatened with as a teen and i did not think i could do it. My brain went completely blank as my bff joked i could pretend the target was my ex, I tried but i couldn't. So i cleared my brain, thought of absolutely nothing except the black circles in front of me and just not falling on my butt or accidentally shooting myself or someone else. I aimed, my arms started shaking to the point I couldnt even line up the sights, i realized i wasn't breathing again, I took my finger off the trigger, put the gun down and wiped my hands off on my shorts. Picked the gun back up, said (not sure if it was aloud or to myself) "I dont think i can do this" and both T and my BFF reassured me if i didn't want to i didnt have to (neither of them knowing the full story of my fear behind this gun) and I closed my eyes for 2 seconds still aiming. I opened my eyes, put my finger back on the trigger told myself to steady and willed my arms to stop shaking. And then i pulled the trigger. I hit the target in the 9's!!! I was shocked and i was floored at how much kick such a little gun could have. I started to think about what kind of damage that could have done to me all those years back, and then i willed myself to come back to the present.
And then I shot 2 more shots, still hitting the target but amazed and terrified of the kick. T asked if i wanted to try more and I said yes. I was determined to get over my fear of this damn gun. IT would not own me and IT would not terrify me anymore. So he showed me how to load the magazine and led me through the steps as I did it myself. This greatly helped me ease my fears, as it gave me the power. I re-positioned myself and shot off 10 rounds, much to my surprise hitting the target every time, even if it wasn't dead in the center (though i did get a few). T reminded me that i was bracing myself for the kick and so my arms were jerking just as i pulled the trigger and that's why i was off to the right a bit.
So then we pulled back out the 22 and then i hit the center area most every time. I was breathing, i wasn't jerking and i wasn't afraid. So i definitely do not need a bigger caliber gun. We talked a bit while they had you take a 5 minute break between rounds and we agreed that a smaller semi automatic would be something worth looking into as I clearly still had a lot of fear of the 40 caliber.
We finished off doing a few more rounds and by the end of it I heard myself exclaiming, "THAT felt right" and T and A (bff) would yell, "YES look at that shot!!" I could feel my body relax, myself breathing, my arms straight and not shaking and me no longer being fearful of the gun. By the end of our hour and a half there I was able to confidently load, shoot, unload and handle the gun without random fears of it going off, shooting someone on accident or the gun bringing back memories and fears. It was very, very empowering!!!
I may just have found a new hobby and something that I feel helps me bring back the ability in my life to say, NO MORE I am not a victim. I know i wont turn into one of those gun people, I'm the most anti war person you will ever meet. But, it brings a reassurance and hope that even if i am alone for the rest of my life i will be able to safely protect myself and my family. I'm not at the point where I can say i would ever willingly shoot someone or even take the kill shot. IT'S much different to take the kill shot on a piece of paper, i couldn't imagine that target being a person because when i did i would get the shakes again, i'm a pacifist i guess lol. But eventually i will be able to get to the point where I will realize I am the owner of the gun and I control what it does because i will be skilled and educated enough to know how to handle it. That alone was worth every bit of nerves, sweat, fear and memory that came up today.
And for the most part, i'm incredibly proud of myself for not only standing up to a very deepseated and LONG lived fear of mine, but realizing i conquered it and walked away feeling confident and empowered. I took those guns and respected the fact of what they can do and then I decided to stop being scared of that piece of metal and instead decided to learn about it and figure out how to use it to conquer my fears. Best $17 I've ever spent, well worth every bit of emotion that I felt today :)
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