I think this is something that most everyone who knows me well, knows about me. I'm not a dramatic, high maintenance, silly, game playing woman. I'm very honest, straight forward and will get from A to B in the most efficient manner. This also happens to be the same with my heart, probably not my best trait.
I happened to meet a really great guy over the last few months. We went to high school together, though I didn't know him, just knew of him. Our paths never crossed that I remember and he was 2 years my senior. Fast forward to a few months ago and I added him to facebook without thinking twice about it. He was added at probably the worst time of my battle for custody and when I was fighting to become my strongest. He got to see the real, raw me. No blinds, no smoke and mirrors and just a 31 year old woman who really didn't have any intention of ever falling in love again. I was content being single, knew emotionally I had no room for it and quiet frankly didn't trust my heart otherwise. But my heart had other plans.
We started chatted, he contacted me to see if I needed prayers or support. I felt safe fairly early on with him. We shared our stories, he prayed for me, sent me uplifting verses, songs and emails. Then we started messaging at night and a lot of tears were shed on my end and a lot of listening was done on his. A friendship quickly developed and I was reminded of how much i had missed having guy friends, as they seem to get me so much easier then women do. Eventually we shared numbers and began texting, mostly about court dates and custody issues or me venting about my ex who was harassing and abusive. Then we talked on the phone one day, he asked if I wanted company and I said sure, come on up for dinner I could use the company.
He came over and I was immediately struck by his smile and thought to myself, "He was a jokester in high school, thats what i remember". And then we shared dinner and a few glasses of wine, by the end of the bottle we had shared each of our own traumatic stories and histories about our crazy, cheating exes. The similarities ran so deeply that I was in shock. We talked till about 2 am and it felt like it had only been an hour. And then he left. After that we talked numerous times a day and somehow, somewhere along the way I realized I really liked the guy.
A lot has happened since then, we were pretty close and had a great connection as more than just two people into each other. The friendship was amazing and what was underneath it all. I had only ever once before been interested in someone who was a friend first and it had ended drastically. So i reminded myself this wouldn't work and withdrew. Over the last month we've taken turns withdrawing. Finally it hit a head today. Somewhere along the way, I fell for this guy. Maybe it's rebound? Maybe it's just me learning how to be in a relationship again? Maybe it's love? Who knows, but for now i'm taking a break. I'm not ready for love. A relationship, yes. Love? No. Am I completely open to falling in love again? YES! 1000 times yes. But first I need to learn how healthy love works in a relationship and I need to be able to stick to my healthy boundaries. Plus all I can think to myself is, no one falls in love with the first person after a divorce and quite frankly I like this guy so much I dont want him to be rebound or for either of us to hurt more than we already do (the distance plays a huge roll in our issues).
And so, I have to relearn those healthy boundaries. How do you remain friends with someone that you care for deeply, in more than just a friend way? How do you continue the friendship when your gut and heart is screaming at you to do more but your head says, 'Take it slow'? These are the things that I have to learn and it's funny. Today I told my girlfriend who knows all the ins and outs of my feelings for this guy and the story between us that I waited over a year to get involved with someone after my ex left. For the first time in my life I never felt the need for a rebound (huge shocker as i've literally NEVER been single for longer than 3 months a day in my life since my first boyfriend) after my ex, I felt no desire to jump into something to replace him or even get into a relationship. In fact when i met this guy, I was adamant I wasn't going to date and had turned down soooo many other guys trying to sneak in or forcefully just walk into my life as a future boyfriend/husband. I had my defenses up, I was determined not to be sidelined by a guy . . . and then this guy walked into my life somehow, someway under the radar and I never, ever saw it coming.
And here I sit, feeling . . .well quite frankly feeling feelings I haven't felt in a very long time and it honestly scares the crap out of me because I don't want to end up in another relationship like I was in. I don't want to end up hurt the way I was with my ex. Plus his mixed messages confuse the crap out of me and so, I retreat. I don't trust my gut instinct to know better either. And so, I sit and wait. For now, I wait to see how these ole wings of mine carry my weight and which direction I take. But goodness, it's scary to be in this dating world all over again!
No comments:
Post a Comment