My biggest fears

After finding the fetishes and types of activities my ex was engaging in and realizing that I truly had NO clue who this man really was if he was able to hide so much from me for 11 years, I started to have more and more concerns about the safety of my children around him. Add to that his mental depression, his swings, his cycles and the personality disorder concerns and I fought like heck for keeping the unsupervised time to a minimum. I have expressed even to my therapist my concerns that if he can't control himself any more on military time at military paid hotels, what if next it was my children?

I have known for awhile who my ex'es girlfriend is, forgive me, who the new "Love of his life" is (yes i still chuckle at this as the man has no capacity for the true emotion of love), but have been biding my time. I knew she had children, but I didn't know the ages until this last 2 weeks and now have confirmed that she has a daughter who is younger than my son (who is 2) and an older son around or older than my oldest daughter (who is 8). The fire alarms have been going off in my head ever since. Thankfully the ex isn't really into girls or women, but he was very heavily into the younger looking guys (all over 18 though) who dressed up as transvestites. AND he was supposedly molested in high school and in middle school (now i question if it was really rape or if in fact it was consensual) which if you know anything about molestation/rape those who experience it without ever receiving treatment or help are at an increased risk to do so themselves to others (especially men). I have no proof, no pictures, nothing that would keep him away from children . . . but none the less my fears are there just like my fears and gut instinct screamed to me five years ago that one day I would be the one sitting on the couch crying that my husband had been part of the DL (after watching an Oprah episode on it). THIS is why he left so willingly his own children and family. He found new victims in every sense of the word.

And this is where it all makes sense to me. She is a sergeant in the military (a big no no in fact since he is far below her in rank) and still married to a 27 year old guy. She supposedly is a self proclaimed 'strong latina' but nothing could be further from the truth as she wrote in numerous emails to my ex how her ex husband (funny that the courts show she filed for divorce FIVE days after my ex left/threatened suicide) beat her, cheated on her, put her into financial debt and crisis (can we say someone is repeating their past?). BUT this strong woman, has gotten herself into another mess and it is why my ex who has done everything he could to try and hide her identity (he got lazy though, as he always does with time, which ALSO means he's playing around again and most likely cheating on her and fooling around with the BDSM community). He found a victim. He found someone who was needy, weak, scared, desperate to get out and be made to feel special . . . and that's what he's good at, at least at first. He's great at the romance, the sweeping you off your feet and falling in love quickly; until he stops getting everything he wants which is to be the center of attention and his narcissistic tendencies bumped up and enabled.

This poor girl also filed a charge against her current husband a protective order (3 days after my ex left/threatened suicide, which I find interesting that she never filed charges before that), I don't think my ex realizes how much he has shot himself in the foot by continuing to travel almost every weekend he's not with the kids to this girl's house, putting himself at risk to be around this dude and thus giving me proof (oh how i love PIs) that going outside of his current county of residence will put my children's health and safety at risk. He thinks he's chosen someone better than me, but instead i see a pathetic, weak, confused, scared woman who is taking scraps of a married man while she herself is still married to find happiness and completely ignoring the health and safety of her own children because she buys my ex'es image. I sincerely feel sad and fearful for this woman. The physical abuse had just started with my ex, and I could see the more and more it came out . . . the more empowered he felt by it. I pray for her that she see's the signs early and gets out. If not for herself at least for the safety and protection of her own children who have zero protection as they aren't even related to my ex.

I have to say, out of everything that has happened, his choice in who to date only puts it in stone more and more how sick my ex is. The words he said outside of our first court appearance rings in my ears over and over, "I only choose women who are weak and needy, they are easy to use". His choices, his behaviors, his insistence to continue matching with enablers only furthers how much help my ex needs, but knowing about personality disorders and knowing my ex . . . he never will. Reading the emails of hostility, the way he writes things that are threats and one way tickets straight to a no contact order just reminds me that he is NOT healthy and I'm dealing with someone who isn't sane. He has no empathy, he feels no wrong, he cares for nothing and no one unless they help him and then he only uses them and then drops them once he is done.

I have fought within myself for the past few weeks debating on if i confront this girl. If i send an anonymous package with every single shred of evidence of the ex'es sexual issues/addictions, his cheating (he already cheated on her twice, once with me and once with a male encounter), and all the other stuff that shows he willingly signed off his children because he really did do wrong (I have over 100 different pictures/pages/documents that show how sick and twisted he is and not the image he portrays). I know that he has already started a smear campaign against me and her believing me are slim to none. And I know that even if she got it, she is probably so vulnerable and scared and needy that the ex would be able to sugar coat it or explain it away as only he could (heck he did it to me for 11 years didnt he?). And so, I'm left to pray. I pray for the safety of her children. I pray for her safety, I pray she never experiences rape, abuse, perversions, cheating or any of the pain that I survived. I pray for her strength that as SOON as she see's the red flags, she is that strong latina she claims to be and she leaves. I pray that she has open ears and listens to everything and doesn't sweep things under the rug in hopes to just be loved, I pray that she watches carefully and closely and that her past marriage taught her to pay attention to the signs. And i pray that one day, she finds this blog and that if she ever does and she is fearful, scared, unsure what to do or things have gotten so bad for her with him, that she contacts me and realizes i am not her enemy and I do not want to take my ex from her or hurt her, as she is the victim in all of this.

I know i could simply pray that the ex leaves her or that he changes his ways, but  it doesnt work that way. The ex'es issues aren't something that can be fixed and he wont leave her until she stands up and proves she isn't the weak, vulnerable woman that he typical preys on. Yes, i too was that weak, vulnerable woman. But the ex left because I grew stronger with every child, I grew more and more prone to not believe his bull and I stopped allowing him to put me and my kids at risk and so he was forced to leave. I had the balls to tell him I wished that he would go to war and step on an IED and relieve us of his miserable existence, abuse and torture (which the ex still swears was one example of his self diagnosed verbal abuse I supposedly threw towards him daily). He would have stayed and continued this love affair with this woman and the numerous sex partners on craigslist and the dirty lifestyle he was engaged in, I damn well know. BUT he got caught, the chips got too high and he knew that he was going to lose the bet because he had made far too many mistakes and I threatened to take the one thing he cared about, his military career. And so he had to run and abandon his family and find someone else who would enable and love his narcissistic self. Sadly, there's always prey out there for these men. And it's why i believe more needs to be said about it.

It's also why I believe that the national guard has a key role in this. But that is another blog in and of itself. So for tonight, I lay my fears and burden's at the feet of the Lord because truly, no one else is going to be able to help this woman unless she helps herself. And even then, I'm 99% sure the ex is already looking for his next victim. God, I'm so glad to be rid of him.