The ex wore me down, and he got what he wanted. He pecked and pecked at me until I finally caved, talked to him and then he ripped me down for 20 minutes and I fell for it hook, line and sinker. I'm human, I am a survivor, but I still fall victim to falling into old habits. I no longer enable him, but I do from time to time fall for his little games and forget momentarily that I'm dealing with a sick person. Then within 3 minutes I'm reminded of how sick and twisted he really is.
It started out with nonstop texts over the past two weeks. The ex is pissed that I have refused to continue acting like his 'wife' and make mine and the kids schedule suit his needs and army career. He won't have had any overnight in six weeks time by the time it's all said and done. And he has been harassing me for weeks about this, first via email, then by call, then by text. I ignored the emails, then stopped answering his calls, then finally blocked his ability to text my phone and told him I'd pursue a no contact order. So he dropped it. I felt relieved and was proud of myself for not engaging in the battle and not feeding his need for getting what he wants and being made to feel right.
Then this week it started all over again. I received 6 emails with in a 4 hour period. I ignored them, we have nothing in our stipulation that decrees how quickly I must respond and so usually I try to be professional and give myself 24 hours to think it over, calm down and reply if needed. It started off with issues about how are the kids and how I hadn't been updating him like I'd promised bi-weekly (a promise that I made months ago before custody was finalized and that I had stated would end upon the completion of the custody agreement). There were various other things, he wanted to show up for the first day of school which is 'my day' as my mother comes with (family tradition) and she still can't be around him. And there were other things that just made me realize he was trying to get me riled up. So I left it than waited 24 hours to respond. Then came various other emails of him trying to engage me in fighting, I've learned to be calm, professional and not engage in the emotional warfare he tries to start, most of the time.
Finally I responded explaining the no contact order would be pursued and then gave him a bullet list of why he is in contempt of our current stipulation/custody agreement which finally got him off my back. All the while I've been dealing with a sick 2 year old who has not been sleeping at all (up every hour screaming), who happens to have an ear infection. Last night I had ds on my chest and finally went to bed around 10, tired of him screaming at me. So this morning my dad texts me that the ex had called him to get the vin and license plate number for my vehicle so the ex could catch up the registration (it is over 8 months past due, something he'd promised to do for months) and to release it to my name as it's in his name and I got it in the divorce (awesome because now i'm assuming the $4000 owed on it since the ex never paid a penny on it when he bought it 2 years ago). The ex'es opinion has been, he left, he's not driving the car he doesn't owe a penny on it. Funny how twisted logis is. If he'd financed through a lender (something he can't do because part of his secret life is his horribly screwed up credit) they wouldn't just assume the nonworking ex-wife is in charge, he would still be accountable for it. But because he borrowed the money from my father, he has decided it's all on my shoulders. It was one of the things I was willing to accept as it helped him be more lenient with the custody issues and my dad is much more lenient than a creditor.
I texted my dad and told him my son was sleeping on me, I would handle it later when I could get to it. I notice the ex had called my phone that morning and then I checked my email. The night before at 9 pm he had emailed me:
"I need the plate number and VIN # from Lola tonight. I am going to take care
of the reg as well as the ticket you got on the I-5 in Stown tomorrow. I
will provide your sticker as well as signing it over to you on Tuesday. I
don't have internet nor do I have the reg in my possession. So please provide
this info tonight as I plan on being at the DMV when they open in the
morning. Thx
-B"
I love how he demands I hop to and do as he bids. This is typical for all of his communication. He seems to forget just how much work juggling 3 children on your own is, or he simply doesn't care. He also loves to cast the blame on EVERYONE but himself. The ticket he speaks of, was one that I got when pulled over for the tags. I was not speeding and the CHP was extremely nice. He asked about the tags, I explained that my ex had been promising for months to pay it and that the vehicle was in his name and so I wasn't able to do anything about it without risking my ex taking the vehicle once I paid the tags, as in the divorce paperwork he was suppose to pay off the tags and release the car to me. The officer was so kind, he looked at me, looked at the 3 carseats then told me one minute. Went and obviously ran some things and told me how he was sick of these military guys getting away with murder and he'd seen this before and then asked me for my ex'es new address, which I gladly pulled up in my email and gave to him. He explained to me that he felt it would rush my ex into action to do as he is suppose to if he got the ticket in the mail, in his name since the vehicle was in my ex'es name and he was sending it to him. It clearly worked. But it's funny how the ex, deems it 'my' ticket that I 'got'. Funny, had he done something he was suppose to, I never would have been pulled over!!! I also love how he doesn't even give me 24 hours notice!
All said and done within a 24 hour period I have since received 17 emails badgering me about the kids (first time in literally six months the man has even ASKED how they are doing), my son being sick, how controlling I am, la la la. Finally when he called to speak to the kids tonight I spoke with him and politely asked him to STOP harassing me and emailing. I admit, i was worn down, I was exhausted and I was reminded of the unhealthy chaos/dance he would drag us into when we were married. And I was trying to state that I would no longer do so, only he flipped the conversation and began an all out war. Hearing how it was all my fault, how he left me because of my craziness, how i needed a bottle of vodka, and on and on and on. An all out attack on my character, my well being and my parenting. He went so low as to remind me that every penny I lived on was at the mercy of HIM and that I was darn lucky to have an ex who actually worked so hard to provide for HIS kids, even when I didn't deserve it because of how damn entitled I was.
Finally he hung up on me, and I just sat and cried. There really is nothing else that helps. He hasn't beaten me down like he did before. But it hurt and at times I have to remind myself, HE CANNOT LOVE. If i don't remind myself, I fall prey to the "How can someone who loved me, treat me this way?" mentality. But he can't, he never did and he never will love. He has no empathy, no emotion and no complexity to understand exactly what he has done. This isn't an excuse, but I believe this is a healthy boundary reminder for me. 1 - DON'T engage! At any cost. No matter how many times he throws at me that I am withholding the children or how I'm being a cold you know what, do NOT under any circumstances, engage. 2 - Remind myself he is not sane/typical. There is no reasoning with a crazy person. As my therapist told me once, "Dead people don't bleed".
And it also is a reminder. This is going to be a lifelong battle. Yes, I've gotten to the light at the end of the tunnel and survived the divorce. But this will forever be a battle with him. He will ALWAYS try to gain the upper hand just as I grow comfortable and relaxed in ignoring him and not having him in my life. He will pop up and try to create chaos because he thrives on it. For the next 16 plus years, he will continue to do this and it will never change. The only thing that will change is how I will handle it, internalize (or not) it and walk through it. I am the creator of this and I have to remember to stay on my A game.
God has been showing me the answers slowly I believe, because the information I need and the things he does to harm his custody standing come out, as I need them. If they had all come out at once, I don't know that I would have gotten through that first week. It was too much, too unbelievable, too scary and not something one person can compute on their own all at once, to believe he really is THAT bad/crazy of a person is a hard pill to swallow even for me who has been his partner for 11 years and witnessed it first hand. And so, bit by bit, piece by piece, I have been getting the answers, seeing the light of his ways and being given the proof, facts and pieces of the puzzle that only continue to mark him as an unfit parent. Or at the very least, a very unhealthy and scared parent who realizes how big of a trail he left and that it can ultimately ruin his and his lover's career. And so, I pray that I can continue to pick up the pieces, protect them and use them as God entrusts me to. I use to feel so guilty thinking in a manner that would thwart him, he is the father of my children after all and I had always envisioned him in their lives. But I am wiser, I've read the times in the bible where David prays to God that he smite his enemies. I believe in some circumstances we have to be more David and less Jesus and fight our enemies to protect the innocent. I tried for years to be Christ like and turn the other cheek. I could not do it ninety times nine, I failed that because all it would have ended up with was a battered and bruised woman who could no longer parent her children. Instead, I'm choosing to be like David (who was not perfect and lived his own hardships due to his sins) and I am willing to accept the same and fight to protect my children. I will not go down, I will not fly the white flag of surrender at the expense of the safety, well being and love of my children who deserve very much to have happy, healthy, and whole lives.
God, I love them so much. I hope one day they realize it.
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