The end of the story? Or is it really the beginning . . .

I met my future husband when I was 21; he was dashing, handsome, the life of the party and everyone loved him and had nothing but good things to say about him. He swept me off my feet and we fell into a steamy, fast and invigorating love affair filled with passion, fun, dates and spending every possible moment with each other. That should have been my first red flag, I lost myself and we no longer were two separate people as J and B, we were only B and my world revolved around him and his life.

There were other early warning signs, signs I ignored foolishly because he could always patch them up with making me feel as if I were the most important thing in his world and he adored and loved me. After a year we were engaged, and then a few months later we were broken up after finding out he had cheated on me only six months into our relationship. I remember sitting at night crying in my bed watching the reflection of my big, shiny and much coveted diamond engagement ring wondering if I’d really made the right choice or if I’d ever find someone better. And somehow, he came back into my life and said all the right things, turned the affairs onto me, I took all the blame and we got back together. We moved in together shortly after that, a move I realized he did to control me and watch over me and make sure I couldn’t get away again. And within a month of going off my birth control due to horrible cysts, he had purposely and willfully gotten me pregnant on a night I was so incredibly intoxicated I spent the majority of the night puking. This was the first time he decided to make life decisions without my consent, but it wouldn’t be the last.

We married a few months later and life resumed, a life all about him of course. Then over the course of the next 9 years the mental and verbal abuse showed its form in more affairs, more secrets, control, rape and manipulation. All the while his narcissism made the family focus on HIS needs and HIS goals. He joined the Army and left me for nine months to raise our two children on my own only four weeks after I had given birth as a surrogate. I was left to move us, heal and take care of our children on our own while he followed HIS career dream. And I smiled and nodded, all the while trying to prove to him I was not the bad person he made me feel to be and to try to prove how much I loved him.

Fast forward to the last ‘surprise’ conception of our son and I knew I wouldn’t last much longer. Then a year ago I found the latest of my husband’s affairs and I was devastated, especially with a one year old on my hip. He had cheated with a fellow female soldier and had hidden the affair for months, using the army and his ‘training’ and ‘exercises’ as ruses to meet and have time with his lover. I knew I could take no more and filed for divorce, despite his threats that I would be sorry. This is when I started to really see the narcissism and who he really was. It got ugly, VERY ugly and yet somehow some way it calmed down and I allowed him to move back into the home and co parent, we halted the divorce; he begged and pleaded with me to work on the family because he did love me.

And I caved. My family meant everything to me and I couldn’t stand the thought of a man with this type of a possible personality disorder having any amount of unsupervised custody of our children and so I put on a good face and determined to stick through it for a few more years for the children’s safety. . . until January. Then the bottom came crashing out.

I found that he had been sleeping with males (complete strangers) from craigslist without any protection. He had been searching CL and looking and responding and meeting with numerous men, women and couples. He had joined an extremely dark and perverse website that focused on BDSM and sick fetishes. I was shocked, disgusted, terrified and scared to death for the safety of myself and our nursing son as we had been sexually active. And then I knew, reading how he described himself and the communication he had with others; he was far sicker than I ever realized and this possibly ranked as a serious personality disorder with a sexual addiction. I confronted him and he got physically abusive, threatened suicide repeatedly and left. I tried to get him help, he promised and then he used the Army to protect him from me being able to put a hold on him. I later found out he had made me out for over a year to be an abusive, alcoholic, cheating wife. 

None of his command took anything I said seriously and I found myself in the fight of my life and terrified to death. He disappeared for a month, with zero contact and I took that time to try and find a pro bono attorney which ended up being fruitless. I was clueless and had no clue what to do or where to turn.

And so I scheduled an ex parte hearing and he didn’t even bother to show up, despite me telling him in a message when and where the hearing was. The judge ruled immediately for me to have sole custody and zero visitation for B. He didn’t trust a man who was making suicidal threats (which I had proof of via text). The next day I received the most abusive and horrible phone call I had ever had and that’s when I finally accepted who the man was behind the mask he’d worn for 11 years. The next few months were very volatile. I played the rules of the courts only to be cut down and terrified at every hearing. My ex would bully me, harass me, refuse to communicate and turn it all about him and use everything he could against me until hours before every hearing and then he would try to come to an agreement. I realize how lucky I was to not only find proof but to be smart enough to document, and print every single screen shot of every shred of evidence I had found in his emails and bank accounts regarding his affairs that were happening on military time and money (which is punishable under Army law) and that was my saving grace. His fear of embarrassment, of the truth coming out and the cold, hard, undeniable facts surfacing and smearing the image he had led everyone to believe he was, ruining his pride and life was what ultimately led to the end of all of this on terms I set.

About halfway through the process I stopped playing the game by the courts because I had learned after 11 years that he was not going to play by those rules. And I began playing by the Narcissist’s rules. Think as they do, view the world as they do, think how they believe others view themselves and ultimately play into their ego. Learn to communicate with ‘I statements’ that make them think you are really asking for favors and help and that you cannot do this on your own. And ultimately this is what has gotten me to where I am now; holding 100% sole legal and physical custody while my ex only has 28 hours of unsupervised visitation every 2 weeks.

At first I felt horribly guilty, and then I stopped. I am a warrior mom and I am willing to do whatever it takes to protect my children. And on top of his personality disorder I have the fears of sexual addictions that the courts refused to take seriously, deeming his sexual preference as none of their concern (despite him willfully and intentionally putting both myself and my nursing son at risk for STDs and HIV, which thankfully we are both clear of). I will do as needed to protect them, no questions asked, “two can play his game”, I found myself thinking. And I did, but I did so legally and morally all the while praying to God to guide me through. I learned to be very careful with my words and to make sure every promise I made him was one I could live with and that they were truthful. I learned that eventually, it was about outsmarting him, watching closely what and how I said thing, staying steps ahead and no longer thinking he deserved a level ‘playing’ field. This was no longer a custody battle with the man I loved, he was the enemy and he was willing and able to hurt all of us to look like the ‘good dad’ and the ‘upstanding soldier’ in his employer and the courts eyes.

Our divorce was finalized on the 27^th of June, it was a kick in the gut emotionally and I cried most of the day. But then on the 28^th, I woke up and I cried tears of joy. I had survived 11 years of the most horrible emotional, mental, sexual and a few times physical abuse. My children no longer had to witness a man treat me like garbage and no longer would be raised by someone who only cared about his own needs and only ‘loved’ his children when they filled the need he had at the moment. WE had escaped and we had done it by the grace of God, prayers, tears, sweat, determination and the ability to put myself in his shoes and remember I knew him better than anyone else and I knew how to use his own manipulation against him. It paid off.

I have moments of sadness from time to time. I think back about that happy life I had envisioned with him and my children. I hold my children when they come home from visitation and they cry for hours straight asking why daddy asks if I’m dating or why he yells at them when they just want to hug him. They don’t understand why daddy tells them he will always be there but misses visitation right and left and had left for that month. They have already established on their own and voiced that daddy cannot be trusted as he lies a lot and hurts them. I find myself at times questioning their behaviors wondering, “Will any of them have similar personality/depression disorders as their father? Am I equipped and able to raise them to be God fearing, loving and healthy adults if they do?” And then I look at my three children and I realize how lucky I am. I am now the creator of our destiny and God has given me EVERY tool I need to raise them. I have been given the ability to raise my children in the way I see fit with minimal interference from their father. Yes he has visitation and quite frankly nothing would make me happier if he would disappear because he is NOT in any way, shape or form a healthy father or role model for them. But if he has to be around, at least I can have it on my terms, with minimal impact and risks.

And so I look at this 11 year battle I’ve survived and I look at my ex who I barely speak with and I thank God for life, I thank my therapist for guiding me through all of this and helping me to set up healthy boundaries and to confront and heal the issues I had within myself that caused me to pick such a person.  For the first time in 11 years I maintain my bubble of life which is me, my children and OUR future. And I know that my story has to be shared. Because all it takes is one moment of realizing you can do it, and that one moment of realizing that you CANNOT give up. You cannot allow him into your bubble with his poison which leads you to the point of thinking you will not survive, or you cannot escape and you will not survive.

There IS light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes it takes a year to walk to the end of that tunnel, for others it takes us a decade or more. But you CAN walk it. You can say, “ENOUGH of your abuse, enough of your self-centered poison”. You and your children are worth it. And all it takes is the simple decision to be stronger just once. And once you make that decision you start the walk. Sometimes it’s a crawl, sometimes it’s a quick walk interrupted by an injury where you fall and get stuck. But then you start again, you crawl, you walk and eventually you are running. And you realize, you didn’t stop at the end of the tunnel . . . there was more than just light out there. There was freedom, beauty, strength, hope, faith, love and self worth multiplied in ways you never ever were able to experience within the confines of your marriage to a person with a personality disorder. And then you set out to live your life experiencing emotions and feelings in such a healthy way, that even the moments of sadness have intense beauty and you know you will NEVER be captive the way you were in your marriage. And then you find humble thankfulness for the journey.