The more and more I research, spend time reading and take the time to really learn about what I've survived in my marriage the stronger I become. The ex'es main source of power has been control and manipulation. My therapist has been working on me to set up healthy boundaries and over the last two months it has clicked into place mentally, emotionally and spiritually for me to the point that I have been working hard at establishing HEALTHY boundaries with my ex.
The only problem with this is that healthy boundaries is a two person job in some cases and when the other person isn't capable of healthy emotions/behaviors/reactions . . . you're left with limited options. I have repeatedly had to remind the ex over the past two weeks that any and all further communication between the two of us is to be via email or text only. I am fed up with the abusive phone calls, each and every one ends up in an argument where I am left being told how it's my fault, or how i'm sitting pretty with such a great child support/alimony deal and I can't live off him forever and it will go down eventually, or how horrible of a person i am with numerous names being directed at me. I've honestly had enough. It's been a year straight of this behavior and I had to finally come to the place of where I'm starting to be strong enough to say, "NO MORE!"
The most recent example was when the ex texted me from training. There's a bit of backstory to this which involved yet another explosive communication via emails and texts. He had been gone all weekend and for most of July and August he had willingly scheduled training and travel trips for his work on top of the two weeks of AT and his drill weekends (which are mandatory). He did not have to choose to take the trips, I want to make that clear. Basically it came down to for July and August he would only be seeing his children for 12 hours total and no overnights. I was fine, ok ok, I was thrilled. Yes, it's tiring and exhausting caring for all three kids 24/7 and no breaks, but i'll do it willingly without complaint because at least i know they are SAFE and loved and happy in my care. And then the phone calls started with how I had to make changes to the July and August visitation and switch all my weekends with him to make up for his lost time. Um, no that's not how visitation works mister. I did some research learned that I did not have to make up time he chose to miss that was in our stipulation and decided to stick to my guns. The kids need stability, they need a schedule and it also is no longer my job to make changes to my schedule for him. I am no longer his wife and it is no longer my job to support his career advancement or make sure he goes up in rank by taking these voluntary trips. Welcome to single fatherhood sir.
And so after two screaming phone calls, I stopped answering the phone. Only to be inundated with numerous emails about how I lied and i was going to hell and the worst person and this is why he should never have trusted me because i lied in court and to the facilitators face by saying i would make up visitation. UM, no! Wrong again buddy. What i said was, "I am willing to be flexible with your schedule and active duty trips which means you'll miss visitation". This also meant that I wouldn't bring it to court and I had explained that to him that I would not use any missed visitation against him that was a direct result of Orders from the national guard in court for reason why he should have less visitation. I NEVER, ever promised via word of mouth, text or email that I would reschedule and switch visitation for his work (hello, what is the point of visitation schedules???). This created a ticking time bomb and no matter how much i responded with calm, factual emails I was called names and he was trying to paint me as the ex who is pushing him out of his childrens' lives.
So fast forward to this last text when he's on his way home from one such training, that night was a 4 hour visitation and he had been 6 hours away on 'orders' again. And I read, "My email is full. Couldn't respond. I need you to drop kids offf this afternoon. Still in Camp R but will be home before 3:30", this came in at 6:30 am no less (about an hour before me or the kids are even up and he knows this). And I just sat there with so many awful thoughts going through my head and annoyed that he didn't even have the decency to ask, it was a demand and he expected me to drop everything and do as he said. And so I simply responded with: "I have no gas". Which was 100% truthful. "You have money and you agreed that we would share. I have been going there a lot more than you coming to my place. You can do it this once". How does he know how much money I have? To be honest I live with a very small cushion monthly, he has no clue what my finances are. And yes, he has been coming here more . . .that is part of our stipulation that HE agreed to and signed to. I honestly don't think the man remembers or cares, he wants to change things to suit his needs again. The text convo quickly spiraled out of control as he started accusing me of spending money foolishly, of taking advantage of him and la la la. So i politely cut it off with, "I will let the kids know you are missing visitation tonight" and he said he would be there. And he was, of course an hour and 15 minutes late (which was another control tactic because he knew i had plans that night and he wanted to make it as miserable as possible for me since I didn't do as he wanted).
And so came into action the 'only text or email' for communication. He keeps trying to push through it. His emails are full of anger, hostility and hatred. My friends and family read them and just look at me in disbelief, because he actually sends emails full of name calling, being rude and clearly not working at a co-parenting relationship. He will call numerous time, the kids refuse to talk and so it goes to voicemail. After three rings i finally answer and he will say he wants to talk about our most recent email and I tell him no, email only and he shouts, "You WILL talk to me eventually J, you can't expect me to coparent if I refuse to email you back. We can't do it this way forever, you know you're going to have to talk like normal adults who are divorced" and then hangs up on me.
So as I do more research and learn more, I'm seriously contemplating a no contact order. I don't know if i have good enough grounds, or if the judge will take into consideration the clear cut proof of his abuse and venom that he spews all over his emails despite me calmly and rationally trying to respond and solely discuss the children, but I am thinking it may be worthwhile to look into and see what happens. Would love any input from others who have gone down this route and if it's even plausible with him having little unsupervised visitation. Of course, maybe he will just read this and realize i mean business and leave me the heck alone. One could only hope, right?? :)
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