Self Sufficiency

Today the kids were with their father for about four hours, and I went to keep myself busy by finishing up the school shopping for the girls. I got everything except coats and boots, so I felt as if I had accomplished a lot. Then I went and stopped by my parents house to pick up the title to my suburban as the ex had finally paid the registration and agreed to transfer the title into my name (which he was supposed to have done originally 2 years ago when he first bought it). I thought I'd just stop by, but instead ended up staying for about an hour and a half and had a great talk with my dad.

We were able to catch up, talk about the issues I was facing with the ex and my parents both asked some really good questions. My family is pretty familiar with bi-polar disorder due to a family member and know the ex'es family history as well, so mental health issues aren't taboo in our home. It came out that months before the ex had left he had been over at my parents house for a get together and I was home sick, the ex had confided in my mom that my psychiatrist (um, i don't have one) had diagnosed me with borderline personality disorder. I found this REALLY interesting as my mom had just automatically assumed it was a lie the ex made up and never thought to confront me on it (she knows me pretty well and while I may be whacky and hormonal i've never had any official diagnoses and have been in and out of therapists my entire life due the issue of my bio father not being in my life) and she'd also grown a deaf ear to 99% of what my ex said because she'd always told me he was a liar.

We talked about a few other things and then my dad asked me what my goals were. He knew I had planned on moving, but wasn't sure when. And so I shared with him my 11 month goal/plan. We talked it over, went over the pros and cons and he offered a few suggestions and things to think about. I have to admit, it was really nice to have a grown up conversation for the first time in 11 years without having to stop and wonder which of my husband's lies/issues I was covering up and or hiding from my parents. I was such an enabler, something that I carry a lot of shame about and am just now coming to terms with accepting as a huge role in the issue of our marriage and why I stayed so long.

It also hit me, for the first time in my entire life I was completely 100% self sufficient. I rely on nobody and I answer to no one (well, accept to the three cuties who call me mom of course). This is a first for me. After high school I moved to my sister's house, where I answered to her and her husband. Then I went to college and still lived under the rules of my parent's as they sent me to an extremely strict college. I moved back, moved home, answered to my parents rules. Didn't like those rules and I moved in with my ex, two years later we were married. Five years ago when I filed for divorce and we lived separately for nine months, I wasn't 100% on my own. The ex found his way back in, and I let him. First it started off with sex, then it was with intimacy, then he might as well have lived with me because we were once again relying on each other and i was under his thumb. I had maybe 3 months of self sufficiency, but the ex realized how well I was doing on my own, how I could provide financially for myself and our two girls and he couldn't leave well enough alone. And I was weak enough at the time, that I pined for him and spent every moment of those 3 months wishing he would come back and our family would be healthy and whole.

So imagine my surprise today when I go over my blogs and realize, it's been one year since the first time he left. And just over six months since the last time he left for good. I have my own apartment (which granted I did get thanks to my father helping get the lease established, but I pay any and all bills and have had zero help financially from my parents or any one else for that matter), I have bills in my own name, I have a life and a routine that doesn't involve anyone but who I ask to be in it. And i answer to myself, my God and my children. Now granted with this comes scary realizations too. I have a lot of huge decisions to make in the next 11 months and I get to make them all myself, without any feedback from my spouse or partner. Initially that scared the crap out of me, and then I realized I just need to sit in it and own that it's ok to be scared as I start a new chapter of my life.

Once upon a time this was a concept that scared me enough to keep me within the cycle of abuse and made me stay in an unhealthy, unhappy and unrelenting marriage. Once upon a time I believed so little in myself that I actually bought the lies and horribly abusive terms that were thrown at me to think I would never be able to do it on my own, I would never be strong enough to get through and I would never, ever in a million years find happiness even if i did survive it. Once upon a time I was so scared to be alone and have no one beside me during life's big moments, that I accepted much less then i deserved.

But I have. I have survived. I have fought. I have cried, I have hurt, I have smiled and I have grown. I never ever thought that this journey would ever be something I would be proud of (and trust me, there are moments of it that I am not so proud of). I never ever thought that I could actually be thankful for my divorce. But I am, in ways I cannot even begin to describe. Am i still sad? Absolutely. My childrens' heartache and pain radiates within my soul to a depth I have never, ever felt pain before and I want to be able to shield them from it or soothe it. I cannot. So instead, I can teach them to be strong, to be happy, to grow, to learn, to accept the challenge of heartache and pain and look it dead center in the eyes and say, "I will conquer you. Even if I don't do it all at once or the way you expect me to, I will still succeed and love myself through it!"

And so, today I realized that self sufficiency is something everyone should have at one point in their life. I could easily do the shoulda, woulda, coulda's. Maybe if i'd had it sooner in life I wouldn't have fallen prey to the nightmare of 11 years I have behind me. Maybe not. I don't know and I don't care to know. Instead I am thankful that finally, I seem to have gotten the lesson that God has been trying for my entire life to teach me. That it is ok to stand on my own, that I do not need love or a man to hold my hand as we walk through this life. That i have to continue learning to trust in the process, to surrender and to acknowledge that I don't have any control in the way life ends up. I can be the creator of my destiny but I have to be willing to acknowledge that that only means I am able to ebb and flow with whatever life throws at me and as much as life changes and not try to control it. An amazing life lesson, one I am thankful to be learning. I look forward to what this life has to offer me and my children because I know we are going to shine :)