Another a-ha! moment

Last night, I crawled into bed next to my sleeping son who co-sleeps (he still nurses) with me and just watched him breath in and out. He was sleeping on his stomach, with his butt in the air and his little knees curled up under his chest and his chubby toddler hands next to his chubby little cheeks. Complete peace and absolute adorableness. And I thought for a split second, "Who leaves this? Who doesn't fight for them or their family?" I know I had stayed because I'd been fighting for my ex to become healthy, I fought for my children to have a whole family. And then it hit me . . .

He had never fallen in love with anyone but himself. The ex had never been blessed with falling in love with someone so greatly that they put all their own selfish needs and desires aside and put those he loved first. My ex had never felt that all encompassing love for his children or me that you're suppose to feel for your spouse and children. He had never been so deeply in love with us that we were worth fighting for. And then I felt pity, for him.

At times I admit, I wish I'd never met the ex and had my children solely because I love my children MORE than I love myself, and if I could spare all this pain for them and have never put them through this, I would give up ever having them, meeting them, falling in love with them and being blessed to parent them. I love them so much, I would rather have never found my purpose in life as a mother, and protect them from this heartache and pain and the reality of who their father is and sent their beautiful little spirits off to another family that wouldn't go through this. But I do have them and I am so incredibly grateful that mere words cannot sum up how amazed I am at the depth and quality of love I feel for these three beings. At times, it overwhelms and over powers my heart and I wonder how I'm able to contain it all and give back to each of them all that they need. I watch these simple moments that I'm blessed with and wonder to God, "How did I get so lucky to love someone besides myself so very much?". I never understood how you could ever love someone more than you love yourself, until I become a mother. I never understood God's love until I became a parent. I never understood what it meant to have an unselfish love that is not self gratifying until motherhood blessed it's presence on me and I spent hours of colic nights with a screaming baby who seemingly hated me, and I could still look at her and think I'd never loved another human being as much as I loved THAT screaming little baby.

And so I look at the ex with pity. He's never felt any of it. And even though I read and learn about his possible mental issues, it still never clicked because I really don't understand HOW someone can go through parenthood and never feel those moments. I always thought that his love solely related to how the children made him feel, but I always thought I was wrong or it was due to his upbringing. I never really grasped how miserably alone this man is and probably has spent 35 years never once feeling the depth of that amazing love we are meant to have and share in our lives. How utterly pointless, sad and alone his life he must really feel.

Today he informed me he cannot take the children unless I give him 48 hours notice if it is aside from our visitation agreement as he has to 'prepare' to spend time with our children. I admit, I about lost it. My children were upset from last nights' procession and desperately wanted to see their father and just be held by him. I understood that, every child wants to be reassured their dad is there for them. And so my oldest called him up this morning to ask him to come pick them up this afternoon as i had given permission for them to stay with him till tomorrow if he still wanted the weekend (originally he asked for it and I gave it until the girls' decided they did not want to after their last fiasco of a visitation). He asked to speak with me and informed me of this 48 hour thing and I just sat and thought, "What parent needs 48 hours notice to be a parent? I don't exactly get 48 hours notice when the stomach bug hits, or they hurt themselves or they wake up in the middle of the night screaming with nightmares. Really dude? You want forty-eight hours notice to be with your children who you accuse me of denying and pitting against you?"

And then I looked back at the defeat in my oldest eyes and I thought again, "He has no clue what real love is and he has never fallen in love with anyone but himself". I am going to have to perpetually remind myself of this because I cannot let myself go to an angry place every single time he defeats my childrens' hearts. I cannot rip him a new butthole verbally every time he lets them down and proves he has no clue how to selflessly love and parent his own children. I have to remain calm, loving and kind because my children are going to watch my reaction. My children are not only going to be defeated, lost and wondering what kind of love he has for them . . . they are going to come to me to fill that part of the cup that he leaves so desperately empty. And I know this for a fact, because it is how I felt our entire marriage. Such a big job for one woman, but I hope and pray I'm capable of doing what is needed so these children have at least one place where they can say as adults, "I always knew my mother loved me more than life itself and I will love my children the same". For today, I'm grateful for another brief moment of clarity.