Happiest I've Ever Been

I have started back up with my running/walking. I average about 3.2 miles a day and run about half of it. The great thing is that a friend gave me a heart rate monitor watch and so I can keep exact track of my HR and be in my perfect work out zone. If you are over your target HR you stop burning fat/calories and burn protein (or something like that, can't remember specifics) and unless you're training for an endurance run/activity it's almost a pointless work out. So I've learned how my body feels when it goes over my target HR and check it quickly and slow down the pace. This is much better on my knees also, as I have crappy knees. I really love running and walking outdoors, it brings me peace, contentment, endorphins and a general well being.

And so, as I was running down the hill behind my apartment pushing my sleeping son I looked over the scenery and could see my old mountain from my home town about 2 hours away off in the distance. I looked over the brown dead hills, which I normally hate if they aren't green, looked up at the blue blue sky, saw my slim and in shape shadow as it ran beside me and just smiled. I LOVE my life. The music in my ears from my playlist played on and kept me company during the 3 miles, as did the thoughts of how thankful I am to be here. And then it hit me, I don't think i've ever been this happy and carefree in my entire adult life.

Yes, the ex is a pain in the butt who is unhealthy and extremely toxic, but despite how much I vent on here; he doesn't consume my world. I have my own space, my own home, my own happiness. I have lived in my new place for 6 months now, and I have enjoyed every moment of it. I have done it on my own, with out his help and been a single mom in every aspect of the word and raised my children 99% on my own for the past 8 months, and I have loved it. There is NO space in my life for him, because it is MY life now and I live it without letting him toxify too much of it. When he does spew his toxic mess onto me emotionally or verbally, I blog, I vent and I get it off my chest and then carry on with my life, honestly thankful he is no longer my husband to deal with.

I am the poorest I've ever been in regards to how much money I make, but I'm leaps and bounds ahead of where we were even when we made over six figures because my bills are sufficiently paid ahead of time every month, there is always food in my house, and the utilities never get shut off. I am balancing and budgeting in a way the ex never did and I no longer live in fear of eviction notices or the utilities being shut off. I am financially responsible and ok. In fact, I'm ok enough that I've even started to be able to put a small amount to savings and slowly start to pay off debt.

I have had four babies and my body is not that of the 20 year old I was before I met the ex, it has seen its fair share of change and scarring. But it is strong and it is beautiful. I am able to run/walk three miles and feel amazing afterwards, I can house and birth babies to term and bring them safely into the world and then sustain them for years afterwards as needed with breastmilk. Are my breasts saggier than they were 11 years ago? Do my hips have more umph to them then they did at 20? You bet you, but i love my body MORE now then I ever did then. I find beauty in my eyes, knowing they have seen a dark world but have still kept their light and hope. I love the strength in my calf muscles, showing every mile that they have walked and survived. I love the sway in my hips that shout, "I am proud to be a woman".

I grew apart from my sisters during the span of my 11 year relationship with my ex, that is no longer the case. I have started bonding, getting to know and hanging out with my sisters more. We have time occasionally to spend together without any kids, visiting and learning about who we are. I am more than surprised to find out how much my youngest sister and I actually share in common. We both have a deep love of motorcycles, tattoos and pin up fashion. I even got to go shopping with her, something I've never done in my entire life. I have made plans to spend time with my other sisters, something the ex always got in the way of. But no more, I have decided what is important in my life and my family, especially my sisters ranks up there at the top because I've spent the last decade missing them like crazy and it fills my heart to the brim to have the chance to have a relationship with them. Having my baby sister ask me what I'm doing on a saturday night and ask if we want to do a movie night with the kids brings me more happiness than going out and partying with my old friends ever did.

There are so many other things that are just 'right' about my life right now. At times it's really hard to get it all down and my heart overflows literally to the point of tears. Big, giant, happy tears that stream down my face and jump off my face with joy. My heart screams, "It is WELL with my soul!!!" I don't understand how I got here, and I never will. I will never understand why or for what purpose the last year of my life happened, but that is ok because it is well worth the pain and agony. I'm not 100% perfect nor have I reached where i'm suppose to be, I never will be where I'm suppose to be. Life is a journey. The kids still drive me batty at times, I still lose my patience, I still wonder, "what the heck am i doing??" and I still have days of, "wow today sucks". But the general contentment of my life and accepting this is just where I am and I'm ok with that, it is over powering. It is the feelings like this that I need to take time to notate and share with the world, because it is in these moments that the purpose of my life are found.

I can't believe how far life has come in just a year. In 4 days will mark the 1 year anniversary of me filing for divorce (the 2nd time), and I can't believe how much happier I am today than i was back then. One more sign that i'm on the right path. Ironically, I went over my original divorce paperwork that I filed five years ago and was struck by another sign of being on the right path. I had filed for divorce on June 27th, 2007. Ironically my divorce was finalized five years later on June 27th, 2012. Too crazy, huh? Another unexplainable moment, but it just sits in your heart and screams, "You're doing better girl, you're doing great".

I'm thankful for this time. I'm thankful for the happiness, contentment and the complete peace that seems to surround me most of the time (it does get ruffled by the ex and his constant badgering/harassing, i wont lie. Hence why i vent about him on here). But I am amazed and thankful at how much stronger I grow every day, how much happier I am as each day passes and how thankful I am for THIS life. I am thankful to be the happiest I have ever been in a long, long time and I'm thankful to be able to share it with you all. Thank you so much for reading through this journey as I try to make heads or tails of it all :)