I was reading through some of my blogs while I took a break from cleaning and sat down to eat a quick lunch. And i looked at the title of my blog and the irony of what I named this years ago struck me. I suppose there really never will be a return to innocence and I haven't really given the time to that realization. And this entire situation is puzzling and my ex is a contradictory character. I knew all those years ago, didnt I?
Last night I dropped my kids off at their fathers and came home and decided it was time to get out. My bff decided to come pick me up and we went out to Olive Garden. I have a hard time getting out, I'm much more of a homebody and enjoy it. The dating scene quite frankly bores me. I have no desire to get all hoochied up, go to a bar and listen to drunk men hit on me or hit on the girls' who are showing their cleavage. I'm realizing how much I personally have changed in the last year. I use to dress pretty darn provocatively. I knew my assets. I am an hour glass figure when I'm in shape and since I'm a runner I've gotten into really good shape. My boobs and butt are always what got me attention from my ex, and I used my body to get attention from him. Over the last year I've realized that I no longer want attention for that. I don't want my body to be what makes a man stop and talk to me. No matter how lonely I am right now, I have decided I'm just not ready for the dating scene and it has very little appeal to me. Even with online dating memberships, I'm thinking I'll be giving it another year before I am ready to try dating.
So I've been taking the time to spend with my girlfriends and sisters and family. I was set to just mope around, crying and missing my kids and cleaning but put on some makeup a cute skirt, a tank and grabbed my purse and put on my smile. I actually enjoyed myself and laughed with my BFF through most the meal. It was lovely to sit and enjoy a whole meal in peace without a 2 year old screaming and climbing on me. We headed home and I came in and watched TV in my actual bed, something i've never done as DS sleeps in my bed so I never turn the tv on in here at night, I usually go to bed with him or watch TV out in the living room on the couch. Sleeping in this morning was lovely. I didn't wake up wondering where the kids were, guess I'm slowly settling in to this visitation schedule.
And then the tears hit me after getting an email from the ex (why he must email and report to me how well the kids are doing I have no clue). God, I missed my kids. I missed my 2 year old's sweet, chubby little hands squishing my cheeks together as he kisses me on the forehead. I missed my 6 year old's nonstop chatter as she goes through her day. I missed my 8 year old's intriguing questions that pester me constantly as I try to do household chores. No one goes into motherhood/marriage expecting that in 10 short years you will not speak to each other, will not get along, can't be in the same room, don't trust each other and your kids will be spending 24 hour windows away from you with someone you realize you never knew and won't ever trust. And so I started cleaning to busy myself. I have to admit, the hard days are the days the kids are gone.
It's lonely being a single mom. Weekends are the hardest as most families do stuff on weekends and don't have time (though bless my BFF who always goes out of her way to make time to hang out or get me out on the fri/sat's that the ex has the kids) to get together with me. Which i understand. I miss that part of marriage, i miss having someone to spend the weekends with. Most everything else I got. I can run the house on my own, I can raise and discipline and love three kids on my own, I can pay the bills and budget and keep it all on track, I can clean and keep up with the needs of day to day. But the alone times suck, there's no getting around it. And it makes you sad. But I'm learning to just be in the moment. It's not the soul sucking sadness that I use to feel. It's just the realization that it sucks, I'm lonely occasionally and one day I'd really like to find someone who loves me, shares these days with me, love my children as his own and will be proud and happy to hold my hand when I'm old and gray.
I know it's out there. I know the sad days will be many, many more but that they don't encompass who I am or my life. They are just blips that come from time to time, make me stop and cry it out and then raise my head up and see through my eyes freshly cleaned by tears how lucky I am. And so now my lucky butt is going to go finish cleaning my house (half way through) before the minions return and mess it all up with in an hour of their return ;)
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