And yes, I realize there is a typo in the title but read on and it will make sense. The last 2 weeks I've been really struggling with all the facts of the past year and the reality of who my ex is and what that has forced my life to become.
Let's be honest folks, some days I feel as if I'm watching a rerun of the Springer show only to realize this is real life, for me. And so I've been struggling. What was the purpose of all of this? Where am I suppose to go from here? How to I figure out what to do with my life? What is my life's purpose aside from being a mother? What is my identity now that I am no longer a wife? What good will come from this horrible, awful mess and pain of the last few years? Am I suppose to be doing something with the constant feed of info I receive regarding my ex and his unhealthy life choices and behaviors? How can I carry on with my life, without letting his toxicity and constant need for drama interfere with the happy bubble I have worked so hard at creating? What have I learned or am I suppose to be learning from all of this?
It's been an onslaught of questions, unanswered for the most part and one of my biggest struggles in life (as you've probably figured out by now) is letting go and surrendering to life when you clearly have no answers. Just as in birth, I fight those contractions, I fight the unknown because it is downright scary. It's not the pain I'm fighting, I have a high pain tolerance I'm pretty sure I can hang with pain after 3 natural childbirths and the emotional pain i've survived in the last few years. It's the fear. It's the unknown. And there is nothing that can be done to change it. Why I choose to fight it is beyond me, most likely a life long coping mechanism of mine learned at an early age due to my own family dynamics. But it does not serve any purpose in my life and so it is the hardest lesson I've repeatedly been faced with in my life. To let go, to surrender, to stop fighting and just accept it exactly as it comes at me. Misspellings, confusion, unanswered questions and all.
And so today I went in to visit my midwife who was there for the birth of my son to bring her some money (the ex still owes about $1000 towards the birth of our son who is now over 2, he never paid on it but it's been my goal to pay off every single penny of debt my ex has chosen to ignore and walk away from) and filled her in on the ups and downs of the last year. It always comes as a shocker and I usually get one of two responses. The first is complete disbelief and denial and they believe that I am making it all up and my saint of an ex could never have possibly done all those things so I must be the crazy one for making up such insane accusations. The other is "I knew there was something up with him" tinged with disbelief that he really could have done THOSE types of things and been that devious. My midwife was completely shocked and in disbelief but halfway through our visit she said something along the lines of, "I knew you hated him, I just wasn't sure why" and it hit straight across the heart. She hit the nail on the head.
I hated that man. I was his captive and he continued to keep me as his little pet, locked away and helpless (or so I thought) in a miserable marriage where he held all the power (or so I thought) and I held nothing but pure hatred for him, all the while trying to convince myself that I loved him since he's left my hatred has only grown for him. Funny what comes through to people no matter how hard you are trying to pretend or cover it up. And it's especially interesting to me to hear my midwife's opinion considering she was there for me at the most vulnerable time in my life up until this last year, seeing me at my most raw and powerless and for her to pick up on my hatred and dislike of my own husband clearly shows me yet again, I made the right decision.
It was a much needed visit, one of which I was completely terrified to make I must admit. I was embarrassed of the money still owed for so long to her, I was terrified of her response to hearing the truths of the past year and afraid that maybe she wouldn't believe me or worse yet that seeing her would bring back the emotional pain of my marriage and my son's birth that I'd taken so long to see. You see, I've done a really great job at detaching myself from the 'life' we had before. I moved into my own place on a different side of town, I no longer talked to any of our mutual 'friends' and deleted them all off my facebook, after reaching out to his family and getting no response I also cut them off and deleted them off facebook, I moved on with my life in every single aspect except four things. To date there are only four things left from our 'old' life that I have chosen to keep. My therapist because she knows me through it all and I feel has the best picture of my life and the ability to help me come through and work to better myself. Our community, which he moved us up here to seclude me but in reality I have two of the best and strongest girl friends I could ever ask for, a school for my children where they truly are 100% safe as the entire staff knows every single detail about his suicidal threats and the custody arrangement so they can't just be picked up by him and the authorities not alerted. The third is the congregation we worship at, this was the congregation we went to as a family for years but i'm not so sure how long I'll continue to attend there as the fit doesn't seem 100% what me and my children need right now, but i'm not rushing into any decisions. And lastly my midwife. But that is something that the ex can never take from me. Those are literally the only four things left, even my bed frame has been banished to the garage until I can sell it or give it away. I have found no reason in my life to hold on to anything from our life together as truly I wasn't living. Living in fear, pain, hatred and anger is not living.
Sitting in her office, felt like home. Chatting and opening up, sharing the intimate and vulnerable details of the last year reminded me of why I chose her when I was looking for a midwife to help me through the trauma and pain of a previous birth. And her opening up and sharing some things she saw really opened my eyes and reminded me that she is a part of me. She is a part of my son, she will always be there. The imprint she left on my heart is probably one of the most treasured moments in my life. She helped me through, she brought me back to my love, my passion, my joy of midwifery and home birth and gave me the gift of being able to find my strength in a situation where I felt 100% powerless and scared. She's my own little phoenix and one i'm never going to forget.
And so I drove home, feeling happy weepy tears roll down my face and I just took a deep breath. And then it hit me. I'm exactly where I'm meant ot (to) be, typos and all. THIS is where I'm suppose to be right now in my life. My 31st year I spent leaving my abusive husband, learning who he truly was and how to fight back in a healthy and safe way to escape him. My 32nd year I am refinding who I am and picking back up the strength and hope and joy in life that I use to carry with me. There are no answers to the relentless questions that swirl through my head and there may never be. There is no closure, there may never be any accountability for the things he did to me. But it doesn't matter, because I am free. I am where I have been meant to be for years but was just too darn stubborn and scared to stop fighting and just accept what my life was suppose to be. I am suppose to be a single mom because I am the one capable of raising these three beautiful, amazing and fragile children the healthiest and happiest compared to raising them with him. I am suppose to be taking the quest of my life to figure out what I believe, how I will handle things, and who I will become because I could not be that authentic self sharing the path with him, there was no room for ME on that path I was walking with him. At 32, I am finding the purpose in my life not by answering the questions but by accepting the journey as it is, even as hard and scary and painful as it has been and probably will always be at points in time. Don't they say, it's not the destination it's the journey? I have no earthly clue where I'm headed and today, I'm finally ok with that.
Serenity, I think it's about the most priceless gift on earth right about now and one I'm forever grateful to have received today.
No comments:
Post a Comment