List in Progress

Remember my list of ways we are working on empowering ourselves? Well, time to edit and switch it up a bit already.

My oldest came home from visitation and shared a few things that caused some issues. The first was she was up till midnight at her father's house. We have always adhered to strict bedtime routines as research shows how much more sleep kids need than they are getting and my kids do so much better with longer sleep. There are great books regarding sleep issues, sleep problems and what too little sleep is doing to our children these days. So this was something we adopted as a family, even when the ex was living with us. Every night during the school year the kids are in bed by 7:30 pm and sleep till 7 or 7:30 am. During the summer bedtime moves up to 8 or 8:30 pm. This has never changed.

But the biggest concern I had was not that she was unable to sleep and was feeling so unsafe that she had to go into her dad's room in tears only to be repeatedly sent back to her room with zero reassurance, validation or being allowed to call her mother (note my sarcasm as these also worry me too) . . . no the biggest concern was that her father was unable to establish a healthy boundary and finally around 10 pm asked her to sleep in the bed with him until midnight when he woke her up and moved her back into her bed.

Now, hear me out. I am a co-sleeping advocate but didn't always start that way. I believe that in a healthy family with morals, no sexual issues, and the right reasons for co-sleeping it should be allowed until either the parent or the child becomes uncomfortable with it. This is a practice largely used in most every country but our own, and so I have no issues with it and there is no data, research or proof that it is detrimental to children nor does it make them clingy adults unable to stand up on their own two feet. Again, let me emphasize IN A HEALTHY FAMILY. I don't love co-sleeping and quite frankly i like to sleep in my own bed without anyone nudging into me and waking me. But 2 of my 3 children have shown that until about the age of 5 they need that extra reassurance after a day of sensory overload and so we've done it for years. My oldest co-slept till she was about 5. My middle daughter till she was 3 and my last is still co-sleeping (probably till 5), with me.

BUT our family was not as healthy as I had thought it was. My ex started co-sleeping and was extremely adamant about it. Literally left me no choice and I would wake up with our newborns in bed between us wondering how in the world they got there. Every chance my ex could come up with an excuse to bring our babies into our beds, he did. I fell for it and by the time I was no longer sleep deprived and able to reason around the logic of it, they were attached and did need it and I was pregnant again. Once sexual issues started to arise with me ex within his own personal life (the red flags were there, i just didn't realize it for a few years) I kicked him out of our bed and used the children as excuses, he moved to the floor, the couch or the spare bedroom and I knew the children were safe. I realized years later, that he started co-sleeping as a way to alienate me (excuses for not being sexually active with me) and to fill his narcissistic supply. My ex LOVES the way newborns make him feel. They are needy, they are clingy and they are 100% dependent on him and he is really good with babies. And so he looks like a hero to all the other moms, feels like a hero because he has this doting child who doesnt treat him how he really should be and he is content . . . for a few months.

And so early on I never 100% agreed with his reasoning for co-sleeping. And it was something that I made adamantly clear was not to happen in his home upon our custody change, as our girls are pre-pubescent and they haven't co-slept in YEARS. They sleep in their own room together and there has been no issues. My children have never come in and tried to sleep with me, nor have they ever even woken up except once in the last 9 months from nightmares and then they came into my room and slept in the extra toddler bed at the foot of my bed.

And so i have to switch up MY plan of empowerment to teach the girls' more lessons in how to stand strong and accept and know a healthy relationship. No more snuggling in their beds with them after visitation. I've received comments about how my concerns of sexual abuse are off, but I know my ex . . . I survived the sexual abuse and I won't ever, ever, ever stop being weary and watchful for the signs and symptoms of sexual abuse. And so I start snuggling with them on the couch, teach them their bed is only for sleeping BY THEMSELVES and that no one is to let them sleep in their beds ever. Healthy, firm boundaries. I don't need my children being groomed for sexual abuse and I'm all too educated on how that happens, I also know that it happens so easily it is more often then naught RIGHT under your nose no matter how educated or watchful you are. So, more boundaries. And I keep praying and trust in the therapist for the girls who is trained and specializes in this to alert me should she see anything. And in the meantime, I pray that God gives me the patience to deal with 'co-parenting' with someone who doesn't see the forest for the trees.