Today the kids and I spent about an hour at Target, getting them new shoes was the goal as I didn't have time to run to the next town and get them some Stride Rites. I was dismayed that only a month into school and my middle DD had torn through her shoes, my DS had picked the soles out of his shoes while with his dad, and my oldest DD's running shoes had a lot of wear and i didn't want her getting an injury in cross country. I of course had to hold my almost 30 lb 2 year old son through the entire excursion, which was tiring as he's in the 'want to walk and do it myself' stage and his sensory issues had him on overload.
We found the shoes. I was exhausted but I realized i had stuff i needed like diapers, wipes, fruit, mustard, ketchup, gatorade, water bottles and a lot of other things that came to about $200. This of course has me stressed out as I'm a budget queen and hate spending large amounts of money on anything. But it had to be done and everything was needed. We loaded up and headed home to unload everything and put the cold food in the fridge. We then drove across town to Papa Murphy's as they had pizza for $5 and I was too tired to cook.
Got the pizza ordered, realized I'd forgot my DS's dairy free nuggets and walked over to Safeway with the 3 kids in tow and picked those up, carrying my DS again. Needless to say by the time we picked up the pizza I was grumpy, exhausted and done for the day. So we loaded up and pulled out and to my right was a couple sitting on the side walk with a little girl sitting with the mom who looked to be about 4-5, they had a sign and all I saw was, "Out of work, we have two children, any help appreciated".
I admit, at first I thought, "Buddy, I'm not that far from your situation" and then I was immediately ashamed and worried how their children were and how it must feel to be on that corner but still needed to get home and I debated on how to help. My 8 year old DD piped up from the back seat and asked if I had read the sign and said we should help. My 6 year old said, "Daddy said that those people are just fakes and don't work for their money". I pulled out and turned on the street to head back home and thought to myself that I just needed to get home and I was not in a position to help and how in the world would i turn my big vehicle around in the middle of the intersection that wasn't u-turn friendly. And then I looked at my Coach purse sitting on the seat of my dying 1997 Suburban and looked in the rear view and saw my 8 year old craning to check on the family and I flipped that U-Turn.
We pulled into the gas station, i told me 8 year old to get out and handed her a $20 bill, the only cash I had in my wallet. I looked at the food and knew the pizzas would go bad as would the frozen nuggets, so hoped it was enough. What i really wanted to do was feed them, but I prayed to God that the money be used for what they needed the most and that their children were fed. I walked my DD over to the corner and she handed it to the woman and didn't say a word, my heart rose to my throat and I about choked on tears and just smiled. We turned around and walked hand in hand after the man said, "Thank you" and the mom and daughter shouted, "Thank you so much" after us. I watched as cars started stopping and rolling down their windows, from the corner of my eye.
My DD looked up at me with tears shining in her eyes and said, "Mommy my heart feels full and really, really good. Better than it's felt in a long time" and i just bent down, wrapped her up in my arms and thought to myself, "mine too baby" barely able to speak as I held back the sobs that were fighting to come out. We got in the car and I told her how proud I was of her giving heart and how we needed to do more things to help others and both the girls agreed.
We pulled out, the family again waved and shouted thank you to us, I turned to check traffic and to hide the tears streaming down my face. Katy Perry's song 'A piece of me' came on the radio and I thought to myself, "This is the part of me you will never take away Ex, EVER". My 8 year old reminded me of the person I had wanted to be and was before the ex had dragged us so far into debt and concern of how people viewed us. My 6 year old reminded me of how he influences their lives still to think the way he does and view the world as he does. My 8 year old reminded me that I want my kids to be the type of people who give to others who are in need regardless of what they 'could' do with with it. I want my children to maintain hope and belief in human nature and give unto others and to pay it forward, no matter what. This is the part of me that I will not lose. And my ex can never, ever, ever take away the part of me that will work till my hands bleed to instill this in my children. I stand for living that type of a life, it's why I am drawn to surrogacy. It is why I want to pay it forward for all the grace I have received in my own life. I stand for humanity, peace, giving, helping and all those wonderful things that my 8 year old exhibited in a 5 minute period of my day.
I am blessed to have had that reminder, I am blessed by my children and I am blessed to remember what I stand for and that no one will EVER be able to take that from me.
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