Old habits

No contact, no contact, no contact is drilled into my head from various people in regards to dealing with my ex and the divorce. This of course is incredibly difficult when you have children with a BPD individual. They thrive on drama, chaos and fighting. Me, I just want peace and quiet. But I can't 100% ignore him, nor can I completely shut him out as much as I'd like to. I have to walk a thin line of doing as the courts demand, making sure I don't with-hold or alienate the children from him and keeping communication adult and professional. Deep down, I'd like to just push an ignore button on the ex and never deal with him. But that isn't my reality.

So I have learned I am in charge of what I can control, not that which is out of my control. And so I only respond to emails needing specific answers and am very picky about how I respond. I don't engage with him and drop offs are simple hand offs where basic information is shared if needed (as in "our son is teething, advil may be needed" or "our oldest is overheated from cross country please watch her water intake"). He is no longer an extra to anything in our life and I only give him information as it is requested, making sure not to invite him into any extra parts of our life. It is simpler, more peaceful and full of much less conflict this way.

Yesterday my oldest had her first track meet. I had not even told the ex that she had started, as really he never asks anything about their schooling, extra curricular activities or even their health. I've grown use to doing it all on my own 100% from figuring out how to have the budget and funds to transportation and juggling all three kids. Well, my oldest had mentioned it to her father at the last visitation. Inwardly I cringed and was annoyed, but outwardly I said nothing. I get why, I know she wants her dad more involved in her life and this was a cry for him to be more involved in something she was incredibly proud of to be doing. I found out he had asked our kids for their school and extra curricular activity schedules, without my knowledge and sent off a simple email that he needed to stop doing that as it is an adult matter and our children are NOT to be used as messengers in any aspect.

Of course this opened him up to having to email me for the schedule. My immediate gut response was, "HELL no, this is my time with the kids on my days and I do not need your poison around us. Nor do i need you berating our daughter should she do poorly." But again, that fine line of being viewed as a parent who is cutting off access to the kids from the other parent, grounds in our court systems to lose my 100% legal and physical custody, something I'm not willing to let the courts take back as the ex has not met even half of the stipulated agreement needed to be healthy enough for custody. And so I responded with the date and time. And prepared myself for having to deal with him.

We arrived in the 95 degree weather and I knew it was going to suck. I hate the heat and me and my oldest both get sick from it. But she was adamant she was going to run and so I sat and waited for her father. He showed up, i immediately noticed the stamp on his hands from some bar or club he'd been to, the scrapes on his hands from either working on a vehicle or getting into a fight and his unshaved face which clearly showed he'd not been into work for a few days as he has to be clean shaven per military uniform for his job. I told him he could play and stand with our son and youngest daughter and I would be right behind him in the shade to get pictures, as I had brought my new DSLR camera to take pictures and knew it would be a great excuse to not interact with him. I walked away and up the slight hill and started getting some shots of our son and then found my oldest and took some of her also.

Then I realized I needed to move to a different place and walked closer to the start line, running into another friend from school and small talked. Then the race was about to start and i moved off so I could get some great pictures of her. And just as they started running, I see my ex dragging my middle daughter by the hand and holding our son as he runs right in front of the area the runners are about to pass. He's yelling at our middle to hurry up, trying to get out of the way before they get run over. I want to yell at him, but instead I just calmly state he could have seen her from the other side and not dragged our middle dd in front of all those runners. I walk away, knowing I cannot be around him and wait at the finish line.

Our daughter was in the end of the group and came around the corner looking like she was ready to give up. I started yelling and cheering her on, telling her she was doing great and she was almost done. Her father pops up next to me and yells at her not to stop and to keep running. Sigh. I ignore it. I continue cheering her on and snap some more shots of her finishing up and then walk over to her where she is done. 48th place she told me, looking as if she would cry. I actually ended up getting some shots of this moment and at first felt guilty, but after telling her how proud i am of her she starts to shake it off and smile. She has grown SO much over the last year. Living with her father in our home caused her to have loads of anxiety, she was as anxiety ridden as our youngest who was diagnosed with general anxiety disorder before 18 months old. A year ago, she would have given up or cried. This year she worked through her emotions, told me what she was feeling even though she hesitantly looked up at her father clearly fearful of what his reaction would be, but she still did it looking at me for reassurance that it was ok to state her emotions and feelings. I gave her a big giant hug and was so proud of her for not just running it through, but talking it through. The peace in our new home clearly has made a huge impact on my children, and it comes out in moments like this.

And so I told her that in celebration we would go to Chili's for dinner, she asked if her father could come and I fell into an old habit or was just plain stupid and said yes. He said he would and walked us to our vehicle and helped load the kids in. It was very foreign to have someone do something as simple as help me load up the kids, something that is still an ordeal with all three in carseats and my vehicle huge and the heat awful. I just let him, even though I'd gotten far past annoyed at his presence. He shut the door and then told me he had a therapist appointment at 5 and so I told him no big deal and he needed to tell the kids he couldn't go. He told me he'd just miss it. Ok dude, whatever. I'd really rather NOT be around you for another hour.

And then I pulled out and watched him walk to yet another car, apparently his idea of a safe vehicle is a 1990s toyota Tercel. How the man comes up with so many vehicles, "free" no less is beyond me. For someone so broke he sure seems to be doing just fine. And then I get a call as I'm halfway to the restaurant with him telling me he will have to pay for the appointment even if he misses it, again I tell him that's fine to miss and I dont care if he comes or not. He asks to speak to the kids and tells my oldest that he has to pay for his appointment but does she still want him to come to dinner. Of course she says yes, she see's the guy on average once a week. And so he agrees to come. I mentally tell myself that if he complains about it, i'm kicking him out of our booth.

And so we go to dinner. He kisses my butt the entire time, the kids eat and enjoy their dinner and we talk about cross country and how she's doing something new and we are so proud of her. And then I caught the look of confusion. No contact isn't just for my health and safety, it's also to not confuse the kids. They dont understand at 8, 6 and 2 why we can get along so well and talk and 'get along' but wont get married again. Of course i'm sure in 15 years when they are in therapy they will go over the comments and the way their father treats me to this day, even in public and I'm sure they will get it then. Just sitting with him is abusive, the words he uses to speak to me, the way he talks to me. And so it was yet another reminder, NO CONTACT. There is no place for him in our lives. He can have his contact with the kids per the courts and that is it. He has lost his place in my life and I have to remember this is not a typical divorce and there are no calm moments in the aftermath of a high conflict divorce. He isn't capable of just being calm and kind. And it all revolves around him.

As we got ready to leave he went to take my son from me and said ,"Come here mama" and I just inwardly puked. I calmly stated, "R's a boy, you aren't playing with D (the name of his girlfriends daughter)" and he looked like he'd fallen over, embarrassed to be caught. It's no different than when he will call me babe from time to time, a habit of his that he does after spending time with his girlfriend. It literally makes my stomach turn, he has found a replacement family one that he is content with and while I am relieved because it keeps him from trying to come back into ours, it sickens me that my children are going to realize it eventually and feel replaced. It saddens me that my kids will have such major issues from abandonment and their dad just brushes it off and repeats over and over, "I left your mother, not you".

And so I know that for the next however many years, I will have to repeatedly remind myself to have no contact. It doesn't matter how important the occasion is or what is going on. If there is an activity that the kids need to feel is special, that is when i involve my family with it. The ex has no place in our family anymore and by allowing myself to be around him is only a form of self inflicted torture, I need to remember to keep that door firmly shut and locked to him for the health and well being of myself and my kids.