I spent many years in denial. Not of who I was married to, but of what my role in the problem was with in the relationship. Yes, most likely he is dealing with BPD and is narcissistic which is something that unlike an addiction can't be cured by rehab and most likely he will never want to fight to help better himself. BUT, I still strongly believe that in life you continue repeating lessons until you learn from them. I played a role within our marriage. My ex would love to say that my role was verbal and emotional abuse, alcoholism and lack of support. He was wrong and I know that and have spent the last few months working at really looking within myself and trying to focus and pinpoint the part of the lesson I'm suppose to be learning from all of this.
The more I learn and read and question the more I realize that I enabled my ex-husband in almost every aspect. I wrongly thought that if i could control the situation and minimize the negative outcome to his actions, choices and issues that at least my children would be safe and one day we'd pull through it. I tried to control everything, I see that now. Ironic as I had absolutely none. I would cover up for him, I would withdraw, I would hide all in the hopes that no one would really see how bad it was and that eventually he'd get the help I kept pushing at him and then I wouldn't ever have to admit the embarrassing truth of the reality of my marriage.
In the end I only hurt myself and my children worse. I wish that more women who are in the shoes I was, would realize that there is power in speaking up. To enable someone, whether they be an addict or a psychopath only puts yourself and your children at risk further. It also puts the person you 'love' at risk, too. I started to realize my enabling towards the end of my marriage. I was so wrapped up in the 11 years of his behavior that I don't think I could even think straight and would mimic some of his behaviors. I did get extremely verbally abusive towards the end, he would start a fight and rip into me and I was fed up with always being made to feel like crap by him and would dish it right back out to him. That's when the physical abuse started from him, that would should me up. I started to think that his unhealthy sexual desires/appetite were things that I needed to engage in so that our marriage would stay intact. So twisted and so sad, but I enabled him in many aspects and lost my backbone. Hence my living in denial.
Tonight I overheard my oldest DD ask my ex (on the phone) if he would ever live in the same house as mommy again. I held my breath and listened closely. His response was, "I don't know honey". To which she asked why not. He proceeded to explain to her that he didn't know what God's plan was for him and me and that he can't tell the future and so he didn't want to lie to her but also didn't know if that would maybe happen one day. Now who's living in denial?
The enabler in me would have probably told my daughter the same thing, heck a year ago I would have hoped it meant there was hope for our family to be back together again. Today, it sent shivers up my spine and i vehemently thought in my head, "Not a chance in hell buddy, it is never going to happen. God knows it and I know it". I realize that while the enabling tactic is something that became 2nd nature to me with my ex, it is something that I have been actively working at and the less I enable the happier I become. I will not be his scapegoat, his enabler, his safeplace. I am nothing to him and want to remain that way. And as i respond less and less and pull down the wall I'd built up against God, i take each brick down I place it in a new wall . . . a boundary against my ex. But this time, I realize that I have God on the right side of the wall and when i falter and I engage or let his words burn me or anger me enough that I verbally rip him to shreds I find myself breathing silent prayers and asking for peace and guidance. I am finally doing what i should have years ago, and now I realize that he has lived most his life living in denial and I was roped in long enough. But no more, it is over and I see with my eyes wide open. I also see that the less I enable and engage, the less he comes to me to fill his narcissistic needs which in the end results in a much more peaceful existence.
And as each moment passes that I stop enabling my ex, I realize that I am busy filling my cup. Throughout my marriage I use to always find myself asking, begging, pleading with my ex to try to fill my cup. I would have meltdown sobbing cries with him telling him how worn out i felt because i felt as if he had leached everything out of my cup, taken it all and he had nothing left to fill me back up and would actively work at anything possibly filling my cup. I never realized how dead on I was with that description of a BPD Narc. He was never capable of filling my cup, as you do in a typical marriage and needed me empty and needy. And so, I believe this is why I have found myself so much happier being single. I have no one to worry about taking from my cup aside from my children. And as I stop enabling and start setting up healthier boundaries, I find myself doing things for myself like running, eating healthy, stopping drinking completely, adopting healthier lifestyle habits, treating myself to a pedicure here or a new purse there. I am learning to take care of myself, while still taking and adding to my cup for my children. And it feels so incredibly amazing.
Of course I'm still prone to enable and lash out as the person who I was within my marriage, it's an incredibly hard decade long habit to break. But i find that when I don't, I feel a sense of inner peace and contentment I'd never experienced before. I feel grown up, I feel content, I feel relieved. And I know it is a battle that I will most likely fight for the rest of my life, not to revert to the person i was within my marriage. It's probably why dating is the last thing on my mind, I want to ensure that I don't end up in another relationship where I am enabling again or tearing someone down the way I was torn down for years. I want to be my healthiest and happiest self so that I can be a better mother, mate and person and I'm in no rush to test out how I am within a relationship yet.
And so I kick off the denial and continue to work daily at myself. I have signed up and been accepted to college and next month I will begin my courses to finish my BA in Psychology and I couldn't be more excited for what the future holds, what I'm going to learn, how much more I'm going to learn about myself and life. Life is good when you are no longer hiding behind denial.
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