Contentment

Have you ever truly been full of contentment? That feeling of peace that fills your soul all the way down to your toes and radiates every single bit of space in your body? The knowledge that no matter what happens or what tomorrow brings, right now in this moment you feel so much joy, peace, happiness, compassion and faith in God that it doesn't matter what tomorrow brings because you'll carry these feelings with you until the day you die. No matter how bad it gets?

I catch myself in moments of it, get a bit spooked as if i'm looking over my shoulder thinking, "Is this really what that feels like? Dare I acknowledge and embrace it?" and then I realize I darn well better because it's going to be something I can tuck away into my pocket until the day I die. Even the hardest of moments - physical abuse, loss, financial worries, loss of my child, abandonment, numerous affairs . . . none of those memories hurt me as they once did. Instead I look in the mirror and realize what a great secret keeper I was. I look at those big warm brown eyes staring back at me and instead of counting the lines on my face, I realize those eyes have seen to the depth of certain parts of hell and yet they still continually look for the good in every situation in front of it. The pain I thought i'd always carry, has healed and instead of forming a protective barrier against the world causing me to be bitter and cynical and unappreciative to the beauty surrounding me; it instead allowed me to welcome the world in and to try things on for size and figure out who and what I was and the things I stood for. It enabled me to find what I was looking for my entire life and when I did it was as if i'd always known it and been meant for it. Life become more beautiful.

I have found love. I have found forgiveness. I have found peace over the things I survived. I have found I did not die. I have found I am no longer scared of the future. I have found that the greatest of pains and losses doesn't rob you of the future, they open your life up to new possibilities and things you never would have had before if you'd just dare to open your eyes and try to look into the future, but were always meant to have. I have found that time does heal wounds. Every moment of my past is well worth it for the joy and peace and love and healthy life I am so very grateful to enjoy. I'm not perfect, there are still moments of terror that come out in my dreams or in the most random of moments. But this time he is there. BK is right there by my side, squeezing my hand or wrapping his arms around me whispering in my ear. He is there never pushing me to be anything other than I am, and still loving me telling me I CAN breathe. I realize those moments  of terror have become so few and far in between that they don't rule me or define my life anymore. And so I've learned to live a contented life, never wishing for the past to be undone or for a different reality but to accept the gifts and life I have been given. My past no longer rules my future. And I am immensely grateful for the joy and love and peace my life has now.

Contentment - the final healing stage I never thought to think of or hope for, but found with hard work and dedication and sheer stubbornness. Because WE deserved it.