I have purposely been silent, then I made my blog private for awhile as I've been undergoing a lot of changes in my life and some I didn't feel like sharing with people anymore, I simply no longer feel as if I have anything to prove.
I met a man. Ok, he's not just a man . . . he's the man of my dreams and hopes and prayers. I had actually given up on dating after a few not so awesome dates and a few relationships that I ended within a few months as things simply weren't right. I was ok with it. Being single was easier, dating was a waste of time and not something I enjoyed and my life is my children. So I had washed my hands clean of it and continued to focus on my school since I was enrolled full-time and had my job and of course my amazing kiddos. Life was actually exceptionally great and the contentment I felt daily, was enough for me to be happy and whole each night I laid my head down on the pillow.
And then a random conversation with a friend of a friend reminded me of a mutual friend we knew through the surrogacy community and I wondered how he was doing. It was completely harmless and simply me wondering how he had been faring, he had been through something similar as I had - his ex had cheated on him for awhile without his knowledge while pregnant as a surrogate and then had actually awhile later came and confided in me she was pregnant again and it was her lover's baby (ends up it wasn't) - me being a stickler about affairs I distanced myself while wishing her peace and the ability to find happiness, my heart aching for her ex as I knew the pain firsthand. But that had been almost 2 years ago and I had distanced myself and been so self involved with court that I never much thought about him after the initial outburst, until my friend mentioned him. So we searched on Facebook and I sent him a friend request. Funny - Facebook the thing that ultimately helped me end my marriage ended up helping me find the man I was meant to be with. God has a funny way of making things work out.
So we added each other and a few days later he messaged me. He messaged me and we struck up a conversation about the things we'd been through and how each other was coping with the raising kids with ex'es who had cheated and he gave me his number and he asked me to meet up for dinner. I am obliviously daft sometimes about very obvious things, and I figured it was nothing more than two people killing time with a dinner and some company and having support for something hard for most people to understand. About an hour before dinner, I started to get nervous. I admit I Facebook stalked him and looked through his pictures realizing how cute he was and thinking about how i'd always heard nothing but what an amazing man he was from his ex. I ran out to get something to wear just for the date, nervous as I had GIVEN UP DATING!
He knocked on the door and I opened it and saw his warm green eyes and laid back smile that blew away my defenses and I thought how hot he was. I suddenly felt very guilty for going out on what I realized was a date with a past friend's ex and told myself nothing was going to come of it anyways and she had left him and cheated and walked away years ago, and he lived 2 hours away and I was never moving. We headed out to dinner and the conversation was so seamless and easy, we actually talked and he seemed to care about what I had to say and really listened. We laughed a lot, smiled nonstop and we both say about halfway through dinner we knew - we wanted to see each other again, and we were each smitten.
We chatted and visited for hours. Talked about what our exes had put us through, the similarities and how much life had changed in all those years. Where we were, what we wanted, and suddenly our past was gone and we just talked for hours about our future and who we were. Neither of us thought of the last time we'd seen each other on the arms of our significant other's who we each loved to pieces would lead to this, that years from then we'd be sitting across from each other single and very much at ease with each other. The last time I'd seen him was my son's 1st birthday party and he hadn't changed a bit. We enjoyed a few drinks and went to my home and enjoyed a few more hours of catching up and sharing about our lives. He told me he'd really like to see me again and that he foresaw a lot of commuting my way to see me, as he lives 2 hours away.
The next day my mind was reeling, how could this be?!? Was this wrong? His ex had been a friend of mine, who I'd deleted as she had been so self involved for years that she hadn't been much of a friend and only ever left negative feedback for me and nothing positive. As I get older I have learned to let go of the toxic relationships and focus on the healthy so it hadn't so much as been a 2nd thought about walking away from that friendship. BK and I chatted a lot the next few days via text and saw each other the next weekend. We've gotten to know a lot about each other and spent as much time as our schedules and the juggling of seven kids allows. Now we are a couple, we've had a few interesting things to deal with between the two of our exes showing us they are both cut from the same cloth (his ex banging down the door and then biting him when finding out he was dating me and trying to scream at me calling me a c*nt through a locked bedroom door and demanding I show my face so she could hurt me through a door which I managed to have the wits about me to record on my phone despite it triggering me, or withholding his daughter from him and having the sheriff she called say she had no grounds to withhold their daughter from him were not her classiest moments needless to say); but it has only brought he and I closer. We have both expressed how we love each other and that we finally had our last first date.
There is a simplicity within our relationship where we both have the same goals and lives that mirror each other. It is as if we have known each other our entire lives and always been together, our relationship is effortless and so healthy that it is refreshing. Instead of the ups and downs of rollercoaster relationships we've had in the past, it is like walking on the beach with the ebb and flow of the ocean lapping at our footprints. What little stress we allow into our lives, usually at the hands of our exes, tends to dissipate quickly and have no long lasting effect on us as we head it out as a team. We both are exceptionally family oriented and find the greatest joy in being together with our kids because they all get along so well and yet we both carve out time so that the kids still get their one on one parenting time and we aren't always around each other because we know how important these years are for them, we look forward to the future with desires and dreams that are so inline with each other we laugh. That farm with property and land for our kids to work if they so choose, with livestock and a peace we have been craving is within our reach. We agree, all the way down to the layout of the home, the property location and the livestock. We are two peas in a pod if you will and have a similarity in ethics, purpose, and beliefs to where it just all makes sense. There is no convincing one or the other, or changing. We love each other completely for who they are, as they are and unconditionally. Something neither of us has ever had, and something we will never take for granted. We have one rule - everything is negotiable except who we sleep with and raising a hand against the other.
I asked a friend how you knew when you knew, and she told me because it felt as if it has always been right and there was no one else before. I said, "Kind of like coming home?" and she smiled. I had everything I needed before BK walked into my life, and will if something takes us away from each other. But now I have what I want, the one thing I wanted just for me. A partner, a friend, a love, an amazing confidante and equal who shares the same joys and hopes and dreams that I do, a man who gives just as much as he takes and allows me to do the same. A man who's eyes smile when his heart is happy, who is silent when he needs to be but also capable of expressing what needs to be said when it needs to be spoken. A man who is not only capable of holding my hand but allows me to walk beside him, not behind him or in front of him. A man who values the hard work and dedication I put into my children, and eventually will put into ours; a man who loves that I can do for myself but am slowly asking for help on the big things. A man who hears the unspoken words between us simply by watching the language of my body and the light in my eyes. A man who allows me into his inner thoughts and yet can also be strong and protective; who see's what he wants and holds onto it with all his might. A man who mirrors the morals and ethics and beliefs of love and God and hope for the future, never letting the bad days of the past tarnish the good hopes of what is to come.
I have finally found my love, except there was no falling . . . it was so perfectly natural that one day I looked up and saw the man I had loved my entire life but I had always been waiting to meet. As he would say, "I'm very excited about our future, God has huge plans for us". I couldn't agree more.
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