Silence is golden

My boyfriend's ex is very much like my ex and so since finding out about us she has been on a hunt to tear us apart and hurt our reputations. Neither is working, nor bothering us. In fact it gives us the ability to work together under stress and lies and see how the other person handles it. And I have been silent online and all around except this post.

Her most recent stunts involve admitting she stalks me and that I am twisted and evil because I am thankful for him coming into my life and God has a funny way of working - her interpretation is that I am thankful for the loss of their son which she believes is what brought BK and I together (which actually couldn't be farther from the truth - we met because she brought him to my son's first bday and shortly thereafter we both had significant other's who were cheating on us - had they not cheated, we never would have ended up together). When standing on the outside of someone who is so very unhealthy it is interesting to take it apart one layer at a time, like an onion. My BA is in psychology and I've been lucky enough to take some higher level courses and training focusing on Tier 2 personality disorders for some volunteer work I do with survivors of borderline personality spouses who abused them. This has taught me to be nonreactive and to realize - you cannot reason with an unreasonable (or crazy) person.

I find it sad that someone who has led a life of chaos, affairs, hurting others and doing as they see fit only to believe they can turn their tragedies into a way to fill their emotional cup, feels the need to continue trying to hurt others who don't deserve it. Pretty sure that's exploitation if I ever saw it. I've been accused of betrayal, exploiting their son they lost, an unfit parent, a risk to her daughter and many other things. And yet I have had many from the surrogacy community come forward, a few Intended Mom's that knew she was suppose to help and was cycling for but ended up pregnant with her own child, come forward amongst others and tell me things the majority of us never knew. Numerous IPs from the community have been talking about it for years. Seeing things from a whole new light makes you realize you never really know some people.

What BK and I have is just ours. It has nothing to do with their son (which neither of us really even remember the day that we first met under those very sad and trying circumstances) or the tragedy that they have been forced to weather and walk through. That is their own, one I do not want to temper or change or even step a toe in. How we are thrown into each other's lives still makes no sense to us, but we don't dare question God about it because it is so amazingly wonderful . . . more so than anything we've ever had before. Good things come to those who deserve it and that is something we do know.

But I wont stand by and have someone else murky up our healthy relationship. We do not have nor did we ever have any ill intentions or goals in meeting up for dinner, instead it was old friends who have survived affairs and their lives being thrown upside down by 2 selfish people who have never been able to care for anyone but themselves. As we discussed the exes we noticed the patterns - both of them were repeat offenders in the cheating department, both had wicked tempers and awful spending habits, both didn't believe in rules and put others at risk through risky sexual behavior (including unborn children), both had no care about sleeping with married people, both were perpetually the victim in every relationship in their lives, neither parented their own children much, and both had done this off and on their entire lives all the while claiming they were changed people. I laughed and said maybe they were really the same person, that or they would be perfect for each other. BK agreed. It was healing to see another good person with a sensitive and loving soul survive that, because it shows that this doesn't happen to just bad people and it is totally undeserved. The connection between two people who have survived such deep and torrid affairs is deep and real, and probably the first moment we realized there was something there because we both saw in each other how loyal and honest the other person was despite what we'd been put through.

Since then we've barely discussed the two of them and we are so grateful that our relationship does not revolve around that chaos and illness. It doesn't revolve around his loss, nor my divorce, nor any of the ick in our lives we have survived. It revolves around us, our kids, our goals, our hopes, and our deep and true love that God allowed us to find within each other. And in 30 years when we get to look into each other's eyes and watch the grandkids come and go, we know what we know now - this is what we've been working towards and growing as humans to find; each other.

I am blessed not for the losses or the pain we each have tackled and survived in our past, I am blessed for having the ability to have an open heart and being healthy enough to be blessed with such an amazing man and best friend and he is equally as blessed. God is good.