Intimacy

Intimacy is in all the moments that have nothing to do with being naked physically. It's in the vulnerability and authenticity of being a flawed human being. Some people are great at intimacy, other's aren't so great at it. For me it is something I've had to work at as I never had it before and shied away from all intimacy with anyone. It was safer that way in my little bubble.

Until BK came along and showed me how beautiful intimacy can be outside my bubble. I first experienced intimacy and vulnerability with the birth of my last surrogate pregnancy. I asked the women I love the most in my life to support and help me through the homebirth and they all were amazing and I allowed myself to be authentic and ask for help. It taught me so much about how vulnerability and intimacy are quite healing. The baby steps I began to take in my life to no longer shy away from vulnerable situations and to stop always being a people pleaser, slowly but surely led to where I'm at now with my personal relationships in my life and the depth of emotions that come with it are so overwhelming powerful and good.

Recently I found out my bio father is at the end of his battle with leukemia and heart issues. I've known for awhile it was coming but getting the call was still jarring. I always try to prepare myself as it hasn't been our first scare, but this time the tone in my sister's voice was different and I immediately wanted to tuck tail and run. I did not want to deal with it, I did not want to think about it and I did not want to stop life and head out there. So I picked through my emotions and thoughts and slowly opened up to BK, not much but enough for him to realize just how vulnerable this situation makes me.

How do you say goodbye to someone you barely know? Someone you feel was robbed from you because you should have had a lifetime with them, but didn't and had only seen a handful of times. Were those two times he said 'I love you J", enough to get me through the rest of my life? Will I be able to come to acceptance that there are many questions that will never be answered and that a large part of what and who I am, will always be a mystery? And will I allow myself to be vulnerable and authentic enough to allow my partner who loves me so deeply his immediate response was to fly me out there, to hold my hand and be intimate with me regarding this challenge of losing a person I love so dearly at times I cannot put it into words because nobody else really seems to understand the dynamics of it all?

I don't know the answers to any of it. I know grief is hard work and that I've worked through it for years regarding bio dad. I lost him emotionally before I was even born, now I get to prepare myself to lose him physically. And so I sit here, looking at a card trying to formulate something to write to him for my sister to take to him in case he dies before I get down to see him. How do you say goodbye to someone you barely know - that question keeps resounding in my head and heart. What do I say and what don't I say. How do I allow myself to be vulnerable with this man, whose last name I never even carried but that I am the spitting image of and carry many of his traits?

I know I can tell him I love him. I do. It is possible to love strangers I have come to realize. I love all the good parts of me that I know I inherited from him. I love the stubborn will and tenacity to get through the tough times and know that is from him. I love the way my skin tans in the summer and the eyes I inherited from his mother. I love my son's ears and his beautiful lips that smile just like my bio dad's. I love my sisters and my brother, that I never would have had had it not been for him. I love that my children are enthralled with our native American heritage despite knowing very little about it from his side. I love that he loved me enough he allowed a better life for me, because I know deep down that is what happened and for that I'll always love him. I am who I am because of him being missing from my life. I'm just not ready to say goodbye to him yet.

I don't think anyone ever is ready to say goodbye when the time comes. And so I just clasp BK's hand tighter, I hug my kids closer, and I pray he goes with as minimal pain as possible and that one day I get to see him again in heaven and really get to know him and remember to keep living and allowing those I trust and love to see me as is. And I trust in God's plans. That's the best we all can do I believe.