Settled in

We are finally into our new place, unpacked and completely settled in! I had no internet so it wasn't me just ignoring my blog again lol. It was crazy and chaotic, but we did it and we love the new apartment. It's cozy and very nicely updated, so we are content. My dh shipped out on sunday night and it was a mixed ball of emotions for all of us. So far, we've been surviving fairly well. Only a few moments of tears and expressions of missing daddy from the girls. Sunday night Lyssa had the hardest time saying goodbye to daddy, but since then she's been doing really well in expressing her moments of sadness or frustration and properly identifying that the problem is her missing daddy and not really that her shoe wont get on right, ect.

I have been fighting the battle of the dog. We now have a fenced in yard (small but a yard) and there is turkey poop all over it because it was specially fenced in for our dog. Well before he could go poop out there he proceeded to consume every last turkey dropping. . . then he kept me up all night barking furiously every hour to let me know he had to go out and relieve his diarrhea. That was 2 nights ago, last night it was puking. Dumb dog. I love him, but he's clearly not the brightest crayon in the box in regards to what is edible and what is not. He has calmed down a lot, I'm actually very surprised. Having had Ben home for 3 weeks straight before he left, Koda was developing seperation anxiety and whenever Ben would leave the house he would howl, whimper, wine and bark for hours on end. But he hasn't done it much at all with us here. We leave the room and he gets anxious, but will settle down and take a nap usually. Training yesterday went awesome. We have heel, go on, leave it, down-stay, and go to bed down pat. We are even able to get him to go lay down in his bed, stay and not get up when someone knocks on the door. All in 24 hours no less. So im stoked about how easy he is to train without treats, when I just properly put my mind to it and follow the teaching of our dog trainer.

I'm doing really well. I'm almost 4 weeks post partum and mostly feel back to normal. My back is not so normal and keeps catching, locking up and plain going out on me whenever i bend down to the girls, so I am now having to bend down at the knees to avoid it. My xrays had to be sent for consulation because my Chiro found some issues she wanted a specialist to go over. I'm a bit worried, but know it was from my fall when i was pregnant and am sort of relieved that the pain i experienced during childbirth directly correlates to that area in my xrays. I should have more info on it in a few weeks. Pumping is still the bane of my existance. I get clogged ducts pretty much every other day, and they take turns picking a breast. Sleep is hard when they are clogged as it causes a fair amount of pain. But my production is down half way. I was up to 96 oz in a day, and now im at about half that. I'm also able to spread out my pumping sometimes as far as 5 and 6 hours (though it usually results in yet another clogged duct). So im slowly keeping at it, hoping to be dried up by 6 weeks post partum but not holding my breath.

Emotionally, i'm doing as well as i expected i would. I'm pretty detached at times and find myself remembering that i did just give birth for my IPs a few weeks ago. Then i laugh, because im cool with it. My mw's update me on the status of the baby, as they keep in contact with my IPs. I get an email every week as well from the IPs. But right now, im quietly enjoying my space and still shocked that my IPs seem to have absolutely no idea the mental stress they put me through. Today my mom was telling me that when she had come over to see the baby after the birth, she had overheard my mw's filling in my IM on the birth and how it was the most painful and the hardest labor they had ever witnessed in their 15 years of being midwives. Interesting, because i never once thought to let IM know that it was hard lol.

I'm handling Ben being gone fairly well. I miss him like crazy. Little moments that hit me, like when im driving and I will hear a song. . . I use to be able to just text him the radio station and then i'd get a little lovey text back from him. Or when I think of something totally funny and sarcastic and realize i have no one to say it to, who will actually get it. Otherwise, im enjoying the quiet and my house being clean and not messed up lol. Tomorrow we may get a call from him but there are no promises. I look forward to hearing his voice, but know it will make me miss him more. He recorded a few videos for the girls, and i havent dared to view them yet. As im sure they will make me tear up. He left me the sweetest letter, and just reading it makes me feel closer to him. At moments im overwhelmed. Realizing how long 9 months is, thinking that i wont get to see him til christmas and then wondering how im going to fill the days till then so i dont go crazy from missing him. But then i remind myself, we were seperated for 9months and i survived that.

Post partum wise, im still a tad off. Random stupid things will make me cry, mostly frustrations. I got a little teary eyed when ben left, but the next day when i had to be on the phone for 3 hours with AT&T because they kept screwing up our phone transfer of services and then the dog went poop on the floor (dont worry hardward and it was my own fault because i didnt just call them back), i burst into tears. LOL, looking back its funny. But at the moment it felt like the end of the world. I cried at the drop of a hat during the pregnancy, so im anxious for that to go away soon. I'm normally not a crier! My mom and friends remind me, im only 3 weeks out and to give it a bit of time.

I have to say, having friends really has made all of this doable for me. My best friend from work and my best friend here in town locally who I just made last year through Lyssa's class, really have helped above and beyond. They have helped us move, watched the kids, unpack and the whole nine yards. Plus one of them, Mistie, her husband is also in the national guard and she went through a year long deployment and her support has been unwavering and lent me the strength i've needed to oversee it all. Her husband accompanied me to the base to get our insurance and run the whole gamit of issues we had regarding healthcare. He has been here to spray for bugs, even called to make sure and check to see if the dog needed a walk. They both have made me promise to not be too proud to ask for help, and its shocking to me that people do this. I grew up doing most everything for myself, even when i seperated from my dh. . . i did it all on my own. I'm not use to having a family who helps, the ones who do live a few hours away and i dont like to pester them with my needs as they have teens and a family of their own. So its almost as if Matt and Mistie and Alicia and her fiancee have become a part of my family, and its nice to have them. I'm so thankful for all of them.

Something that i have gained from the surrogacy and the birth itself, i have realized that when i am not the strongest (alpha-person per say) that it makes me vulnerable, i dont like to be vulnerable and it makes me uncomfortable. People offering help does this to me. But i am learning to accept it, i am learning to be the underdog, the one who needs help. I am also working at learning how to ask for it. This is all a whole new experience to me, might as well make it useful and grow from it right?