Another day

Today I am feeling melancholy. Can't really put my finger on it. Could be post partum hormones, could be that weekends aren't full of things to do to keep my occupied, or it could be the reality that my husband is gone and I really miss him today. I'm pretty sure its the latter.

I took a nice bath today. I use to always wonder why women loved baths so much, they always irratated me. Sitting in my own dead skin cells floating on the water use to igg me out. Well, this year they have become something i rather enjoy. I turn on Pandora, grab a good book, put the girls in front of a movie and off i go to me time. Today it was much needed to relieve my breasts from the pain that has been trying to rear back up. As i was getting out (I heard that the natives were getting restless) I caught myself in the mirror (thank goodness it only went to my waist) and wondered 'Who are you?'

I've never really been one to wonder who I am since becoming a mother. I've been very assured in my role of who I am, what I'm to do and what my aspirations are. But I think i'm still reeling from the birth having stripped so much of my sense of strength and power from me. Add to that the physical changes that are so very evident and I no longer recognize myself. My face is still puffy (from abx I'm assuming), my eyes are bloodshot as I'm not getting much sleep (waking up often when i letdown), and i look worn out and old. My body shape has drastically changed, i clearly look post partum and not the vixen of my youth. I'm ok with the physical changes, hard work and determination will get me back to where I like. But my face, I no longer recognize the person looking back in the mirror and it saddens me. I feel as if i have to get to know myself all over again.

To many, i may sound like a raving lunatic. Sorry, but don't be scared. Life to me has so many undercurrents and I'm a deep thinker and a simple thing as looking in the mirror can set me into thoughts that most probably tally as nuts. But my identity has always been very important to me. Coming from the childhood of being given up by my biological father, it has always been a deep seated issue within myself that I worked on most my years. It took until my early 20's to finally find my strength, power and identity with in myself; instead of the many people surrounding me who I tried to find myself in. Then with the birth of both my daughters' my identity became crystal clear and suddenly I no longer had to struggle to find myself. With the homebirth of my last daughter, my future ambitions became made known within myself and i knew one day i would become a homebirth midwife.

Having spent the last year wrapped up in surrogacy, it was easy to identify myself as a surrogate as it seemed to encompass much of our life. But having put that hat up, never to be worn again, I wonder what is next for me. I don't care to identify myself as a military wife. I feel that I don't really get to own that as my husband is only active duty for the next 8 months and then once he returns home he will no longer be active, but only reserves. Yes at this moment in time, my life is fully encompassed by the military, but its a short drop in the bucket when compared to what other women sacrafice and live with their spouses being in the military.

So, i wonder as i look at myself everytime in the mirror. Who am i? Or better yet, who have i become? Has this last year taken so much of myself that I will find it hard to continue to look at myself in the mirror. Will each change in me be something i will regret or will i learn to embrace it and be thankful to have added another year to my age? To have had the chance to add more experience and life living to my name?