I have dreams

I have dreams off and on throughout my life of racing, lately they have been more common than not. I am drafting the nascar in front me. I can feel the vibrations of the wheel between my hands and then as I go down to shift, I can feel the power. I can feel the tightness that is the hull of the vehicle and I can hear the engines of all the cars on the racetrack. I have these dreams night after night. And then I see a face, a single face that wakes me up.

I am a rape survivor. Why my dreams of the most safe place in my life end up with the man who hurt me the most in my life, i will never know. But they are. My safe haven my entire life has been my car. The simple chevy to the mustang to the IROC. The streets, the car shows, the street drags. All where I could be me and my engine, not dictated by a male. But i could beat them, and I could not be hurt. And yet at the ends of these dreams I have been awoken with the image of his face.

In 1997 I was raped. I hid it for many, many years. Even my bestest and closest friends. I feared that they would judge me and when I initially opened up, they did. Many said i flirted with him, i took him to homecoming, i was a sexual girl. I deserved it right? But the things that happened, I did not deserve.

And now, years later, after many therapy sessions and years of feeling healed, the dreams are coming back and I am feeling as if it is because I must speak my truth. Something I have never done in regards to my rapist.