Time to dig deeper

Another good session with my therapist, I love how she always challenges me to look further and be truly honest with myself. We've come a long way just over the last four months (even though I've been seeing her off and on for almost 3 years now) and uncovered a few attachment issues with in myself. At first I thought, "Oh crap, you're screwed J". And then I realized there was a reason and it was time to uncover truths about myself that I'd never had the time or the courage to face. And then suddenly, it hit us in the face and we've spent some good time talking about these inner attachment issues that have caused the fear, pain, sadness, anger and rage in regards to the end of my marriage. And then I realized, I've been like this my whole life with every.single.relationship in my life. Holy clarity batman!!!

And so I have a time in my life where I can retrain my brain and learn to strengthen my heart. And try to rebuild my relationship with God, or more like start from scratch. I have a wall around my heart, one chalk full of issues from my childhood and teen years. Issues that turned into unhealthy attachments and relationships, that need to be changed so I don't pass this on to my children and so that I can live the life that I deserve to life. First I have to take a deep look at this wall that has been keeping God and unhealthy relationships/attachments from coming near my heart. That is going to be the biggest and hardest hurdle, as quite frankly I'd rather not name them and i'd rather NOT strip them away one at a time. I know I have to to heal, and I know it's going to be hard work that will probably hurt as well as leave me wide open to vulnerability. But . . . the option of continueing to live a life with unhealthy attachments is not one i'd rather choose. So, I will be taking a good look at my heart and soul and identifying exactly what has caused me to shy away from God, from healthy love and from the ability to allow others in.

Not today though :) Today was just a starting point of realizing what I have to do. And realizing that when those inner alarms go off inside my heart and head of abandonment, fear, hurt, and anger that I need to take a breath and stop.