An interesting discussion on a board sparked today's post. Some were saying it was harder to work on a marriage after affairs, others were saying taking a cheater back can be a sign of not having self worth. Other's stated that everything is fixable and some stated that affairs are caused by both parties. I stopped engaging in the conversation for a variety of reasons, but mostly because my inner alarms were going off. Ok J, breathe, stop, chill. And so I quit reading and won't be back to comment on the thread. Mostly because no one can judge another unless they've walked a mile in their shoes and so in all reality it is a pointless discussion. Many will hold true to their beliefs, until they have been in the situation themselves. And others will only get their feelings hurt by how the conversation can go.
One comment about how fixing a marriage after affairs is the harder thing to do bothered me. And then I realized it bothered me because that's how i USE to think. I use to think that I was doing the harder way, choosing the harder path. But that ultimately love conquers all and the hard work would pay off and my children, my spouse and I would be happier on the other side. And we were . . .for a year or two. But the problem with affairs is that they happen for many reasons. It's not as simple as both parties need to work harder at making a marriage work. Sexual addictions, personality disorders, attachment issues, trauma from childhood . . .the list goes on and on, according to my and my STBX'es therapists, of reasons that cause a person to have an affair. Neither of our therapists agree that if there is a need, one is going to go after it as an excuse for affairs, that's ultimately a selfish person and that train of thought will play out in every other aspect of their lives. Many spouses who are going with out certain things in their marriages choose to instead get into therapy, work on themselves and then bring their partner into therapy and avoid affairs. Other's realize that cheating is a crutch, something that is done to fill a self void. A void that is there no matter how amazing a partner or wonderful of a marriage that partner is working at providing. Sometimes, the cause of the affairs is a one way street and it's something that can only be fixed by the cheater. And the hard thing about affairs, is that the spouse who is on the receiving end has no ability to control, fix or cure the issues that caused the affairs. And they are left with no tangible evidence that the issue is fixed and must rely on faith to not live every day wondering if it will happen again.
This is where my marriage was four years ago. STBX knew, admitted and worked on his inner issues. He knew he had cheated because he had no self love, major depression and always felt empty no matter how beautiful his children and wife were, how happy his family was and how much of a loving relationship I felt we had. He was always empty. I tried for a really long time to be that healthy, loving, supportive wife. Hell I agreed to let him join the military against my better judgement, but I had faith and I had love and I thought my love could get us through ANYTHING. What i didn't realize at the time, was my love couldn't fill the hole in his heart that only self help, medication and intense therapy could and when he stopped trying to help himself, he stopped being able to be faithful to our marriage. And so when this all came about again, I felt much like I'd been shot. I knew we'd had problems, every relationship does. But not to the extent that we were back on THAT road again.
And so, I did the thing that was harder for me to do and I filed for divorce. Staying with him was hard, but time eventually heals wounds, you fall back in love and you find yourself in a place of contentment. Leaving has been much harder, for me. Telling my children that mom and dad are no longer married was much harder than hiding the disagreements, hiding the arguments, hiding the inner pain of seeing that I was losing him again and there was not a single thing on this earth that I could do to help him. No life vest would have saved the drowning partner in my marriage. And realizing that, was probably the hardest thing I've ever come to realize in my 31 years of life. Sometimes, things cannot be saved. Sometimes, others don't want the help to save themselves. And sometimes, the hardest thing to do is the very last thing on earth you EVER want to do.
Granted, this is a learning process and I am thankful for the time it is giving me to work on me. I'm no saint, I'm not the perfect wife. But there never is. But i'm thankful because the last four months has come full circle and we have both come down from the anger and are at a place where we can still choose to do the harder thing . . . to learn to reconcile as parents and friends. To not hate each other for the actions, sins and problems that came into our marriage. I am finally starting to forgive STBX for hurting me so badly, the affairs didn't hurt the most . . . what hurt the most was knowing that my STBX was drowning and I could see it and instead of taking my hand and trusting me enough to walk through it with him and shower him with love and support him, he chose to hide, run away and go further into his pain away from all the people who love him so much. I think for me, that is probably why leaving was so much harder. Because I always knew that I was a good and strong enough woman to love him through it all if he would just be willing to help himself. But he decided that I wasn't and now, I'm beginning to be ok with that, because it is his life, his journey and his heart; not mine.
And with all of this, I can absolutely see why for some it is harder to stay. I was there. But coming full circle, seeing that affairs are usually a much deeper issue than simply being unhappy in a marriage has led me to believe that ultimately what's the hardest thing to do in this situation is the one that is right for YOU. It could be polar opposite of how i'm choosing to handle this, how i'm deciding to move forward and what I'm offering/sharing with my STBX. And that's ok. We all have a path to walk and this is mine, that is yours. I don't judge you less, but i sure as heck wont tell someone that what they are doing shows more strength, character, is easier, is harder and so on and so forth. I will simply say, I am sorry for what you are going through and I hope you make the best decisions for you. I think if more people said that, and less people put their opinions out about what they think others should do, more women would be able to make sounder, healthier and happier choices for themselves. This is what i couldn't say but meant to.
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