A year ago today my brother died. My only brother who was 18 years older than me that I barely knew, no less. 9 days later my DH started cheating on me, he couldn't understand my mourning or grief as I didn't have a typical relationship with my brother and couldn't come close to helping me heal or understanding what I was going through. Needless to say, November 1st was the start of a very bad year.
I'm not posting about this on facebook out of respect for my SIL and her kids. I feel I have very little right to grieve or be sad, as I only lost a brother I barely knew. They lost a dedicated and loving husband, nine children lost a father, and the world got a bit darker as his candle was blown out. So here is where I have come to express the deep and overwhelming sadness that has hit me today. No one can tell from the outside, I look fine, am acting fine, but if you take my sunglasses off and look into my eyes, it's there you can see the red from where I've been crying and that my eyes are a bit more dull today.
I grew up in a very nontypical family. My bio dad signed off rights to me before I was born, or rather verbally did so and then my step dad signed the birth certificate and I have carried his name and been his daughter my entire life. I didn't meet my bio dad until I was 19. Before I came along, my mom had been married to a man who was 10 years older than her and bio dad had a son. Then bio dad and mom had my 2 older sisters that are 9 and 7 years older than me. I was concieved sometime around the time my mother filed for divorce. So I never grew up with my brother, I think he actually joined the air force (or navy) right around when I was born. I had no interaction with him at all until I was a teen and then would get updates from my older sisters here and there.
The first time I met R was when I was 17 and contemplating losing my virginity. One of my older sisters told him I was contemplating this (apparantly he kept up with my life even though I didn't know it) and so he and his wife and kids came over for a visit. I don't remember a whole lot. I remember he was a very quiet guy but was adamant that I was worth saving myself for marriage. I remember being upset that this man i didn't know was involving himself in my life when I didn't know who he was or anything about him, and it wasn't as if he was talking to me about getting a car . . . now I'll cherish that memory. It meant he loved me and my soul and heart and he was a concerned big brother. But at the time, it hurt. I had wanted a brother my whole life (I was surrounded by 5 sisters) and I knew I had one, but he'd never been in my life. I felt a huge hole in my heart where he was suppose to be and wished he'd been there. And then when he was, I didn't know how to take it and it scared me. I'm pretty sure I said a few not so nice things to him.
Still, despite that his wife would always send me christmas pictures and updates, when they lived a few hours away from us I got to visit them twice. The last time I saw my brother I was pregnant with my firstborn (unbeknowest to me) and his wife was pregnant with one of their own too. I remember just watching him from the sides of my eyes all day wondering how much he was like my bio father, wondering if I was like R at all. I remember watching the kids climb all over him and he actually enjoyed it. I remember wondering if he missed our dad as much as I did? I wondered how he had learned to be such an amazing father, when he'd not had one himself. I questioned if there was hope for me to be an amazing mother and choose an amazing father for our kids too? I had so many dozens of questions about it and about our family, but I just sat there making small talk with my sister and SIL and didn't dare say much. I was so scared he wouldn't love me, that he'd turn me away just like my bio father had. And that was ultimately what cost me one of the biggest losses of my life.
They say you never know what you have till you have lost it. This is partially true and partially false. I still don't know what I lost and never will. I don't know what his laugh sounds like, I don't know what type of sense of humor he has. I don't know what his opinion was of me. I don't even know if he loved me and considered me his baby sister. I do know that I lost my brother. The only male genetic link between me and my bio father that would ever exist. I lost the one thing i wanted more than anything else in the world . The only male on this earth who had dark hair like me and mannerisms that we possibly shared. And i look down at my son and I wonder, "What will you carry on in you from that side of the family? What part of your uncle will you have if anything?" I hope my son is a good man like my brother. I hope he is an amazing father and husband, just like my brother was. And I hope my son has a close friendship and bond with his sisters so that they never have to question. And I hope that I can learn more about him through his wife and children so that I can share with my children what an amazing brother I had, because I know he was amazing from what my sisters' share with me. And I hope that he knew I loved him and it will never stop.
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