As we get older we tend to spend our days doing the same things, day in and day out. We rarely are given a chance to learn new things unless it pertains to our jobs or our kids. I've come to realize that I am hitting a phase of learning all kinds of new things.
Aside from running a marathon, which will be a hugely new thing to learn. . . I'm learning how to be me. When you spend 10.5 years with someone, you are not solely you. You are part of an equation. J + B = us. Now you take out the B and it's just J. Though it's really not just me, it's me plus three children. And so with Thanksgiving came a time of learning something new, how to do family holidays without my significant other, my partner, my best friend. STBX and I weren't good together as a couple, clearly. But when it came to the kids we were a united front, taking on the holidays and juggling kids. Making sure one could eat, while the other kept the kids in hands, letting one visit while the other played games with the kids and then swapping. This year, I realized I have to learn how to do this all by myself.
STBX and me have had many conversations about where we see ourselves in the next few years. We've both agreed that this is our family. Me, him and the three kids and the dog, but that we realize with time that will change and we have both agreed that our goals and hopes are to keep this family as number one and figure out a peaceful way to not split the family up for holidays, even when and if significant others come into the picture for ourselves. We also agreed that this year we would do Thanksgiving separately so my family would have some time to get over what has happened. This was incredibly hard and scary for me. I'm not a holiday person, never have been. STBX has always been able to pull out the holiday cheer and compensate for my lack of enthusiasm at having to spend time with my chaotic, huge family and be surrounded by noise, chaos, clatter and sometimes behind the scenes drama. He has never shirked from it and I think he enjoyed it because he hasn't had that with his own family in over a decade. My family became his and my family adopted him into the fold as one of their own.
But this year I was forced to put on a good face, fake the holiday cheer and drag the kids to the family function, despite my desires to just stay home until the holidays were over. Despite my desire to give my family time to get use to what STBX did and learn their own measure of forgiveness and friendship with him, I realized that I wanted that partner, my friend, who would help me juggle it all and then at the end of the day wind down with me and look at our own family and be thankful for it. This year I didn't have that. And it was a rather sad day for me. The first of many holidays where we are no longer a family. And so it was a day of silent mourning for me, one where I was crying inside but didn't want my children to be sad or to ruin it for my own family. The good face I put on, was not at all how my heart was feeling as it felt as if it was being ripped out every moment the minute hand moved. I wasn't wishing for the past to be undone, I was just simply sitting in the reality of what is and where I am now. Sad, scary, hard.
We will eventually get to the place where my family will be over the heartwounds STBX's infidelity have caused amongst each individual, and I know they will all smile, hug him and treat him with kindness. But I also know, it will never be the same. And so I have to learn how to set the tone, be the bigger person and allow my family time to grieve and then take us all by the bootstraps and remind them of what's important... and that is our kids not having to choose a place to spend the holidays. I am unsure if Christmas will be the time, or if we will wait till next year to get to that point. But, it's definitely a learning process for me. Instead of enjoying the time with my family, I came home worn out from chasing the 1 year old around, keeping the 8 and 6 year old in check, and then eating with my kids by themselves as they were the only kids at the kid Thanksgiving table this year so they wouldn't be sad (dad usually ate with them there to keep them company). And I'm realizing this is just one of many roles I will have to learn if STBX don't stay this course and if we screw up and let our hurt get the better of us.
I guess, I'm ultimately learning forgiveness in a way that is foreign to me. I'm not forgiving him solely for me, I'm forgiving him for what we had as I refuse to let the last decade of my life be for waste. I'm forgiving him for my children so that they don't ever have to choose (unless they want to) where to spend the holidays. I'm forgiving him for him, so that he can feel welcome and not always have to hold his head in shame around my family as I am finally past the stage of feeling as if i have to make him pay for what he did. Years ago, after we got back together from our first separation I had told him that we loved each other and had spent many years loving each other and so if we split again it would not be a divorce full of hatred and anger because we had spent so many years loving each other. In some cases, love is a choice. And I'm learning to choose to love him, just in a different way. As the father of my children and the friend that has decided that all those girls, temptations and distractions he was following were not as important as his family and so he put them to the side and started working on himself. I can love him for that, and not in a 'fall back in love' type of way. Simply just a respect and appreciation that I can learn to love someone without needing anything in return and that we will try to share a friendly love and show our children that even when someone hurts you or when you are sad, you can still choose to love someone as long as they are treating you with respect and kindness.
I have no idea how this will work out in ten or twenty years. I have no idea if we are doing the wrong thing or if our gut instincts that this is the right way for our children will pay off for all the hard work and new lessons we are learning daily. But I hope so. And so, tonight I am thankful that I have survived my first holiday as a single parent. And I am thankful that STBX was willing to let me take the kids and leave him alone for this holiday (it's his favorite) so that we could give the kids time with my family. We are learning, slowly albeit, but we are getting there. And I am also thankful for the change within myself. The forgiveness, the desire to have kindness and respect for someone who has hurt me so deeply. The desire to provide what's best not just for ourselves but for our three beautifully amazing children no matter how hard it is. And the amazing change that doing the right thing, isn't so hard anymore. It's almost as if I am knocking on the door of closure, and it's scary as heck. I know that once I knock on that door, it will be opened and I will step over the threshold to a whole new way of life where I will be faced with many, many more lessons in life as a single mom.
It reminds me a lot of Kelly Clarkson's song, "Already Gone". I have realized over the past few weeks that this time it is real, that the marriage is truly over no matter what his heart desires because I am already gone. We have hurt each other too much and I never ever set out going into this relationship to hurt him back for the wrongs he has done to me and I now know he never set out to hurt me. We are both human, we are both flawed and the worst of ourselves got the better of a well meaning love . . . and I know now that I am strong enough to say, "No More". My heart has been dealt enough pain, hurt and betrayal and it is ok for me to say I am done. It is ok for me to walk away, because I wont be walking away from everything. I never realized that I could pick and choose, I thought leaving meant everything - Our family, our way of life, our tempo of living. But it's not, we get to set the rule game, we get to choose how we want to heal and work through this. And so, I am realizing that all the learning I'm doing is scary but it's good. Good for both of us, as we clearly have become much better people, friends, and parents in the last 3 weeks of changing our view of how a divorce should go. It's not easy for us, don't get me wrong. But we are learning.
No comments:
Post a Comment