As of late, my posts have been pretty self involved. I admit it. Though i'm not proud of is. There's a lot you all don't know about me, a lot that I haven't shared. Maybe because I haven't been ready to go there, or maybe it's because i'm ashamed and just dont know how to go there due to my own issues. But tonight I had a wake up call.
I've always had a plan, though it's not been one i've always followed. But i had a plan. Once I hit my late 20's I realized my life plan wasn't happening and so I threw it to the wind. And then i thought i could somehow gain control again by dreaming of what i wanted. I wanted 30 to be the year that I stopped having babies. I wanted to run a marathon for my 30th birthday. Instead I ended up giving birth to a baby via surrogacy on my 30th birthday. And then i thought i could control my life by controlling the man I loved.
That got me no where as we all can see, and the man i loved cheated on me. Not just once, but so many times it would make a crazy woman go to the deep ends of the world. Instead I am a semi sane woman, who has gone to the deep ends of the world trying to figure out why. And tonight, I took the first steps at no longer trying to figure out why and just decided to put the pieces back together.
Tonight I listened to a beautiful woman tell me about her diagnoses of leukemia. Chronic leukemia no less. For those that aren't educated on leukemia, there are various kinds. Some are acute which means they hit with a vengeance and stop the life of an otherwise healthy human. And then there are the chronic cases, which show you a person who looks healthy and whole . . . only for them to have a life sentence. Not sure when their life sentence or when therapy will hit, but none the less is means they will die before they were meant to. Susan, came to our meeting tonight. It was a meeting for a cause I hold very dear to my heart. Team in Training is a not for profit that raises money for blood cancers, people who are healthy commit to running marathons and triathlons to fundraise money for blood cancers. Mostly leukemia. Susan told us tonight about her life. She had lived a healthy life, an above average healthy life and then over the last 2 years had been faced with the diagnoses of an extremely rare blood cancer where there is no cure and she was given 6-8 years before she would no longer be able to fight it off and would be forced to undergo treatments that would then render her a prisoner to the leukemia and eventually she would be gone. She proudly told us that this month she would be celebrating her 60th birthday, a number that for so many years she had feared, but now she was just thankful to be able to be given the chance to celebrate. And it got my heart going.
You see, my bio father fights a similar disease. He has an acute form of leukemia as well. Sadly, i'm not in contact with him and so I don't even know the name of the leukemia he fights. And i have a baby sister who has run marathons in the last few years to raise money for leukemia as well. And as I drove home from this meeting tonight, where I finally decided to bite the bullet and live me life and run a marathon in the name of blood cancers, I couldn't help but think. I thought about N, my bio father. But mostly I thought about my baby sister. Sweet S is 4 years younger then me. I remember to this day, the day she came home from the hospital. I was a scared and insecure 4 year old, I was hiding being the kitchen partition. And my grandma shoo'ed me away, telling me my mom and the new baby needed rest. But i needed to see that new baby sister and every glance i stole of her, i was floored at how beautiful and amazing she was, i loved her from the first moment i put my eyes on her. I needed to see her and hug her and tell her i loved her, because i knew she was amazing. But i wasn't allowed. And for the next four years of her life, i was still not allowed. My mom clung to this new baby like life, or speed or an addiction. S kept my mom alive. I know that now, having been through what i've been through with my own divorce and I no longer blame my mother. But i still look back and see the needs that i had and the desire to love this perfect little being who entered our life without our knowledge. And yet, I was never allowed the chance to bond with my own baby sister that I see every day that my own children have. I have given my kids complete and undenied access to their baby brother and some days, i wonder why i was never given that. And then i'm reminded, it is because our family was dealing with a totally different issue. And now i understand why i didn't have the bond i should have with sweet S.
S and I never bonded. S would drive me batty, always demanding attention when the rest of us were left with caring for our mother or when our father was away for hours at a time trying to provide with his very demanding job. But at the same time, the only time S would ever demand anything of herself was the few and brief moments that she would erupt into a rage where she would bang her head against the floorboards. I thought how weird is this child that she would inflict harm upon herself for our attention and would be turned off to her. But then i would immediately rush to her side trying to soothe her, i remember crying for her to stop and holding her and trying to pat her back. Sometimes when my own son will not self soothe and will only push and scream and just do the last single thing on this earth to (seemingly) piss me off, i will stop and be taken back to this time of my own sweet innocent sister and remember. . . this is a baby who is screaming out for love and attention. My own sweet sister, taught me the very meaning of being a mother.
Anyways . . . tonight I realized what a dear and sensitive subject leukemia is to me. I didn't think i'd be so emotional tonight. They asked us to introduce ourselves and what brought us to TNT and i found myself far more emotional than i wanted to be. I didn't cry, but i did get a catch in my throat. I explained that my bio father had a certain strain of leukemia and that my baby sister had run a few marathons through TNT and that she had let me know that my bio father (not related to her as we shared a different father) was living right now only due to the research that TNT had done. I felt my throat catch and cut myself off, but there is far more that many don't know. You see, my own daughter was in a PICU unit at the age of 10 months and they thought for three days that she had leukemia, even worse what she had was so rare many did not think she'de live. Instead we were lucky and her labwork came back negative. But now, all the pieces come back together as and her pediatric team have done the foot work. Our dd was diagnosed with Sweet's syndrome, only the 2nd case in our country to be diagnosed as a child in the last 25 years. And with this came the diagnoses that she most likely will get leukemia in her 30s. And now having the info on my bio father, the pediatric team and myself have been faced with the fact that the exact same leukemia my biological father has, is the very same cancer she is at risk for. Scary? Hell yes. One I haven't been able to fully face until now. For the past 7 years I told myself, "We have years until she hits 30, by the time she gets there research and science will have found a cure" and i've told myself that holding my head up high, almost in denial, but now i realize i can actively be a contributing factor in that. If i can raise money and awareness to the risks that my firstborn faces, maybe, just maybe we can come up with a cure. My bio dad will probably not be saved, and as harsh as it sounds . . . i know it will break my heart but i can live with it. But if i lose my daughter prematurely. . . i cannot live with that. And so, this is how i am choosing to do something for my own daughter.
And ironically, this is how i am doing something for my sister. This is my baby sister that i barely know. The one that i can hold very few conversations with, without feeling as if I am saying all the wrong things. I run this marathon for three people. For my daughter in hopes that she will never have a diagnoses of leukemia and if she does we will have found a cure by then, for my sister because she inspires me in every sense of the word from the moment she was born and chose to fight and be a survivor in our effed up family (and let me tell you if you think you had it hard you could learn a LOT from my baby sister, she is a true fighter and probably the single most woman on this entire life that i hold any respect or admiration for because she is AMAZING to be the person she is from what she grew up with), and for my bio dad because I have no other way to love him. In that order exactly. I put my half sister, who has always been my WHOLE sister from the moment she has entered our life before my 100% blood father, because she inspires me, because i have known nothing but love for her from the moment she entered our lives and yet i never knew how to show her love and my whole self because i was always scared i'd never be enough. This is not about me. It is about the people i love most in this world, and it has taken me 31 years to say this to an amazing woman and soul, but i love her. I love her so much that I ache and cry wishing i knew how to connect with her, and i hope that when i run this marathon she knows without a doubt that I am running it in her honor and all the things she missed out on and that our family could not provide for her. I love this sister more than i have ever loved my bio father and I hope that when i complete this marathon she will know i did it for her, and that i have wanted nothing more than to be her sister and to love her and be loved in return. S, i love you. You are one of the few inspirations in my life and every day i strive to give my children what i did not have. And seeing you run these marathons, inspires me to follow my dreams and be the woman and mother that we did not have. I love you S, more than you will EVER know. You are truly one of the blessings in my life and i hope and pray we get a chance to continue to get to know and love each other. I love you sister and hope that some day i can say these words to you in person because i truly love you <3
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