23 weeks

I haven't really shared much of my surrogacy journey with the outside world. My family knows, but not the intimate details or specifics. My friends know, but only a handful really know what we've been going through. Our match is not horrible, but it was not what we expected and are very saddened that our friend from the agency ended up using us to serve her own needs (a big fat commission we believe).

But it is what it is, as they say. And i am dealing. I'll be 23 weeks tomorrow and I'm amazed how it is flying by. This babe is healthy, active and loving i can tell. Babe (as we call it since we don't know the sex) responds to dh's voice which surprises us. But I've started taking this on as a job. Many look at that as cold, but its what enables me to focus on my health, a happy beginning for this little one and a spiritual home that is important to myself as well as IM, without getting bogged down by the emotional letdown we have experienced. My midwives are the most amazing women I've ever known, i feel so blessed to have them holding my hands through it all. They support and empower me, filling my cup back up to focus on the real task at hand. Which is to grow a healthy happy babe for a family who has been childless all these years. That is my focus, my goal and what will sustain me at the end of this journey.

This pregnancy is pretty much like my own with my children. I get the question often, especially when new people learn about it being a surrogacy. I spoke with a childhood friend last night for the first time in ages and she asked the same thing. I explained that i really don't bond. I'm more in awe of what my body does and how it changes, then the fact that a babe is growing away inside my womb. With my own girls, i didn't bond while pregnant either. I was on the outside, doing the work and nurturing, enjoying the pregnancy but not being excited until they were in my arms and on my breast suckling for their first moments of nourishment. That is truly the moments of bonding that hit me as a mother. And there will be none of that with this child. So instead, I'm content to stay on the outside and be the cool auntie who got to help start this amazing little being in life and send it off in it's mother's arms for her to take on the true and real job and tasks of motherhood. I get the fun, she gets the love and work and I'm OK with that.