2 days later

We aren't quite 2 full days out since the birth, but all is really well. Both DH and I catch ourselves saying how thankful we are to NOT have a newborn to care for on top of recovery. It's funny though, when you have your hands full of a newborn and children you dont realize how your body is taking time to recover. It's been nice, (I will admit) to have dh home and handle the home and girls. I've been content (pretty much) to sit in bed, rest, relax, pump and just let my body come back to normal. I've gotten a little cabin fever and will be thankful next week when we are running errands and going to the park and doing homework. But for this week i'm going to take a much needed hiatus from life and just breath through each day.

My IP's sent me a beautiful iris plant with a lovely card. I don't need the appreciation but it's nice to know that all we went through wasn't taken for granted. They are acclimating to the role as first time parents and my midwives have been complete angels setting them up in their home and tutoring them through these early days, all the while filling us in on how it's all going. They still have yet to pick a name, but by tomorrow or Wednesday when they complete the birth certificate I'll have that to share.

I have slowly started pumping. I originally thought i'd throw myself into it. . . but i've only pumped 4 times so far and am content with the 4 oz total i've accumulated and am just waiting to see how it goes. I thought i'd pump every 2 hours on the dot, but to be honest sleep has been my number one priority as i havent slept literally in 9 months from all my kidney issues. If i know my body my milk will come in fairly heavy regardless and I'll pump til its gone. I'll send what i have with the IP's and the rest will get shipped out to my friends son who has a milk and soy allergy. I'm very anxious to get my body back in shape and start working out again!

Physically, I'm pretty tired. My back is not resolving itself and is still in loads of pain. Spoke with my chiropractor and I have an appt for friday as well as xrays with radiology. Myself, dh and my midwives are all in agreement that there is either an injury, trauma or issues with my kidneys because the pain hasn't settled down from delivery and was pretty consistent through out the pregnancy. So i'll get those checked out and make sure we get on top of it before dh leaves.

Emotionally, I'm feeling really good. It's nice to just be. To not worry about someone else's child or the anxiety I carried through most of the journey due to the agency. I can breath deeply and know that I did something good and amazing despite the hiccups and be content with that. I'm waiting for the crash of hormones everyone has warned me about, all the while acknowledging it's ok to feel a bit detached and thankful to be moving on. My role in this surrogacy is complete and i'm 100% content with that. I'm still fighting guilt over the birth and how quickly it went and not being at the hospital. My mw's and IM have all been reassuring that it ended exactly how it was meant to be and there are no harsh feelings or disappointment from any of them. But it's been very hard for me, because when i give my word it's all I have and I always give it with 100% truth and meaning. I was fearful many would think we purposely birthed at home or were deceitful. . . something I did not want my IP's of all people, to think. So i've been fighting with that emotionally, going over the labor and birth numerous times trying to pinpoint the moment when we should have left. DH has been wonderful reminding me that had we, things could have ended up differently and to stop worrying about it because everyone is happy with the outcome. I'll work through it, im sure. It's my own issue.

I am going to go rest, first I will be hunting down the best airfare to visit my biological father before he dies. That is my next hurdle to jump and it seems like such little time as dh is leaving on the 17th and we have a house to pack and an apartment to move into in the meantime. But it will all work out, I'm still wondering how God has it all planned . . . but I do know for the first time in years, He DOES have a plan for us. I think this is the greatest gift I've been given from my surrobaby's birth. I have started to trust in God again, I've slowly started opening my heart to Him and seeing that He's just been patiently waiting by my side these last few years. Waiting for that open invitation from my heart, and at the birth when He got it as my heart and soul whispered it to Him in fear, pain and need . . . He answered so kindly and sweetly that I know, He's been waiting for me all along. Now I just have to follow through and continue to let Him in and keep asking Him for guidance.