Happy Birthday to my Surro babe!

April 25th, I woke up and had a feeling that my predictions of giving birth on my 29th birthday would be true. I woke up to some strong contractions around 8:30 am and got up to get showered and go to the bathroom and had a few drops of pink water. Stood up after going to the bathroom and it slowly started dripping down my legs. This was new to me. . . called DH upstairs and he said he'd call the midwives. I wasn't having anything regular contraction wise and wasn't uncomfortable. We spoke with the midwives and decided to just watch it for an hour or so because it very well could be a pocket or just watered down mucus plug (which I'd been losing for a few days already). I got in the shower and went about eating breakfast and getting little things ready for the hospital in case it really was the day.

Around 10:30 my mw's called back to check on me and i let them know i was soaking a pad here and there, but no bloody show or anything regular contraction wise. They said they were going to be visiting their son and daughter in law just up the hill 10 mins from my home and if ANYTHING changed to give them a call. DH called my best friend to let her know I'd possibly need her help with the girls, and then he called my mom to let her know i possibly was in labor. We got the girls' dressed and I got a burr up my butt insisting that I needed my ipod to be updated since it had workout/walking songs on it. Not something i wanted to listen to during labor. We couldn't figure it out, i send DH out to get lunch for the girls and a new set of headphones since DH ruined mine. IM had called sometime amongst all of this to let us know she was about to get on a flight out here, but she might be late. We let her know that we were not sure if this was the real deal or not, but would keep her posted.

My contractions started gathering 'umph' to them and got powerful. Still no closer then 7 to 5 mins apart and a bit erratic. But i was starting to be ready for the kids to be gone and not have to deal with Koda. DH got home, I ate a cheeseburger and some gatorade while the girls' ate lunch. I went upstairs into the spare bedroom which is fairly empty and layed down between contractions on the toddler bed lol. Once a contraction hit though, i had to be up. These were very different. . . they started in the front-bottom of my tummy and worked their way up and around my back. Occasionally i would get them in my back, but kept telling myself it wasn't possible because this baby was firmly anterior. . . there was not going to be any back labor with this one. I had DH call the midwives around 12:30 i was starting to think this was the real deal and wanted to be checked. I was adamant about getting to the hospital BEFORE transition hit, as i couldn't imagine transferring during that. My best friend got to my house and took over with the kids. I started to switch into entertain mode and realized it was only going to slow me down, so went back upstairs with DH to get through a few more contractions.

My mw's arrived and listened to the baby's heartbeat. Now, my mw's were only going to be my doulas so they weren't going to perform any internal checks. But i needed to know where i was. They checked me after watching a few of my contractions and making sure baby's heartbeat was good. I was only at a 2-3 by this point. That totally discouraged me as these contractions were starting to get painful and surpassing powerful. So, I suggested we take a walk with the dog and try to walk this baby out and bring on some more contractions. I did not want to be laboring into the wee hours of the morning with how painful these were already. We did about a 1/2 mile and had about 5 contractions come on during that time, i walked through them and was happy to get back home. We then sent the kids off to the park with my best friend and her fiance, I knew i needed them gone even though it was hard for me to have them away. I couldn't labor and have a house full of people and kids. My mw's were going to head out as I wasn't in active labor and go visit with their children up the hill, so dh and I could labor in peace (much like we had with my last dd's birth). But somewhere around 2 pm things changed.

Marlene reminded me that I COULD bring these on and i COULD work through them. I started stripping off clothes (it really is true that each centimeter equates to an article of clothing being taken off lol). While dh had been taking care of getting the kids off with my bff, Marlene worked with me and talked me through bringing on the contractions. To breath them in and stay in them and feel them, then breath them all the way to my bottom as my cervix stretched. It was MUCH harder this time around to do this. With my last dd, it didn't hurt (more of an annoyance with her back labor, but i could control it and work through it and enjoyed the adrenaline that accompanied her contractions). But this HURT, hurt from my stomach all the way into my hips and back. I had to really focus and ended up on the side of my bed holding onto the side boards while i crouched in a position with my feet hip length apart, my knees up by my belly and my hands up holding onto the sheets. I kept saying 'ohhh' and 'powerful' and 'open'. I was trying my darnedest to NOT fight against the contractions and to welcome them in. Much to my dismay the pain only got worse and made it near impossible to get through them. DH finally came back upstairs and let me hang on to him, i started to lose the feeling in my legs and asked to please be checked.

Marlene checked me and i was only at a 3. Marlene wanted to try to stretch me because my cervix was still far back, i adamantly refused and yelled to please stop now. I had learned from Kayleigh's birth how painful that was, and this time had been adamant that not a single intervention would happen, not even stretching or breaking of my water. I was sooo discouraged. I did not know how i was possibly going to make it til a 6 or 7, at which point we had agreed it would be wise to transfer to the hospital. I remember looking at the clock and seeing it was 3:30 and thinking IM's flight should be in by now. DH asked me what the deal was, what was holding me up and what i was afraid of. I told him i was afraid of the pain, it hurt so bad. This was nothing like Kayleigh's ecstatic, peaceful birth. I felt like i was already in transition with these and i was trying with every ounce in my not to fight it. I was also terrified of the drive to the hospital because i was already in so much pain. DH said that we were not going to the hospital and i about fell over. He said they had spoken with IM, she was going to be waiting up the hill for the phone call and wanted her daughter born in our home and to please not take her to the hospital after she was born. I of course, didn't believe him. I thought he was sabotaging all of our plans and the word I had given the agency. I was NOT going to go against my word, and i had agreed to the hospital birth. I told DH that a home birth would be great, but no. . . we were still going to the hospital. It was dropped because my contractions started coming much faster and harder.

No position allowed me to work with them. I couldn't do anything but fight with every ounce of my body and soul to get through these. I got angry and upset. I was so pissed that this was so painful when I'd spent 9 months focusing on being peaceful and not fearful, of not bringing in emotional garbage into the birth. The months of affirmations I'd said to myself numerous times a day of 'I will have an ecstatic, fast, efficient, pain free labor and delivery'. At one point i said how pissed I was that this was so painful. I couldn't believe that my posterior births were so much easier then this anterior birth. And selfishly, i was upset that this hurt so bad for a child that wasn't even mine. That was so hard for me to admit to. I ended up having to throw up everything I'd eaten and i thought to myself that i would be in transition soon and we needed to leave, but couldn't speak i was so sick. From there i got up on the toilet, feeling the need to poop. That's when i noticed my bloody show was very different. The pressure started to come, but i couldn't focus on it because the contractions were so hard, painful and close together. I ended up laboring on the toilet with one leg resting on DH who was crouching to my right and my other leg on Marlene who was on my left. NOTHING helped, i literally felt like i was going to die.

Marlene talked to me and i think I lost all decency and control by this point. I said i was done, i couldn't do it, i was ready for the hospital and the epidural. I had been saying for awhile that I was so sorry, but i could NOT do this without an epidural and i needed to get to the hospital NOW. They reminded me it would be an hour and a half before I got one and that being only at a 3 with a broken bag of waters they would insist on starting pitocen and an epidural would mean a catheter and an IV. I said i didn't care and said that was my decision and i wanted it, but didn't move a muscle or try to stop the contractions. My brain was willing me to get to that hospital, but my body and soul refused. Marlene asked to please stretch me a bit more since i was only at a 3, i refused. Contractions kept hitting, one after the other. Worse in my back with each one. My noises got louder, i feared the whole neighborhood would swear someone was getting killed at my house but let it rip. I felt a moment of shame and embarrassment for ever having the nerve to judge other laboring women who are 'noisy' as i was doing that very thing, getting louder with each contractions. Fearing that if i didn't roar and make noise, I'd either die from the pain or forever be stuck in it.

They reminded me to go from one and then let it go, that it didn't hurt in between and to live in that moment of no pain. It was near impossible, as the contractions were overpowering to the point of my back felt i was having Mac Trucks with knives driving through each side. I let them know that my back hurt even between contractions. There was no relief, no endorphins, no relaxin. It was hard too, because for the last few hours I'd been so tired, sleepy and exhausted between contractions it was hard to focus or get through each one once they hit me. At this point i was mad, and trying to work with the pressure and literally growling/roaring through each contraction. I was DONE with this labor and delivery. Suddenly i was up and told them i had to move. I think Marlene checked me right before i got up and I was at a 7, it was time to go to the hospital!

I went to my bed, got on hands and knees and told them i could not do a single other thing, I was going to die right there. DH got in front of me and i held on to him for dear life through that contraction. Suddenly i wanted him away, i yelled at him to move and get away and he did. And as i sat there on hands and knees, i knew it was too late. I remember saying 'Marlene, it feels different' and finally, finally! I was back to Kayleigh's birth and remember that difference of pressure as you feel the head get ready to crown and the relief that comes with it. The realization that 'OH MY GOD, this WILL end and soon'. I sat there, on hands and knees, praying to God 'please God, this whole labor has been the worst pain i have ever endured, please God, let the pushing not hurt, please let this be over quickly'. I let them know it felt like i needed to poop and then i started to zone and growl and roar as she started to crown. Her head was bigger then Kayleigh's (ends up by a full inch) and i could feel the pressure and it hurt. No burning, but the stretching hurt. It was a total of 5 pushes according to DH and the mw's, half way through i couldn't push anymore. I felt no need and no desire but felt her just stuck there. After the fact DH let me know that it scared him to death because she was only half out and bluer then he'd seen any shade of blue. Marlene and DH let me know i had to push, to dig deep and to push her out (her cord was very tightly around her neck) and i breathed in and pushed as hard as i could, though i felt no urge to do so. She finally came out and I couldn't believe that it was done. She was born at 6:17 pm on my birthday.

They rubbed her and warmed her and that moment of meeting this baby girl was so interesting. She looked and smelled nothing like my own girls', though I'd been carrying and growing her. It was so neat to be able to check out her face and her fingers and her toes, knowing that i wouldn't be caring for her. Instead it was like meeting my nieces for the first time, proud of how beautiful she was but excited for her to meet her mommy. My mw's had called E just as i was crowning, so she heard her daughter be 'roared' into the world, and heard her first cries. E was the first one to talk to her daughter and i was relieved she was able to be a part of the birth, even if it wasn't in a way we all had planned. They told E to hurry up and get over here, and then worked on getting the babe up into my arms so she wouldn't be alone and we worked on delivering the placenta. DH called my bff to ask her to bring the girls home.

She's a cutie, a very flat nose and a poor bruised face from being ROA (Right occipitoanterior). She weighed in at 7 lbs 8 ounces, 19" long and a 14" head. Once E got here, she wanted nothing but to be at her breast, so they spent about 3 hours just skin to skin and suckling/nursing. Eventually around 10 pm they got E and the baby downstairs, I got some food and we soon got ready to go to bed. I was exhausted, tired and my throat hurt. My mw's cuddled me and told me that i was their hero and would be for the rest of their days, which about made me burst into tears because I'd felt like such a wimp with this birth. They all headed out to my mw's house (E was going to stay there for a few days and the IF was driving on his way up from southern cali). DH brought the girls into bed with me and we all fell asleep.

Today is just another day, I am relieved to be done. I will forever be retiring my surrogacy hat, and i am completely at peace with that. I cannot tell you how many times dh and i have caught ourselves saying 'I'm so glad we don't have a newborn to care for' as i fight the post birth cramps and whatnot. It's nice today, to just be a family unit and feel like its any other day. I'm also working through the birth, I'm an incredibly hard critic on myself. . . so it's easy to pick out all the negatives of what i did wrong. It's easy to question myself as to why it was so painful and try to place the blame on something i did, since my whole birth philosophy wraps around pain free, ecstatic births that are hard work. I also have to admit that I fully 100% understand now why women CHOOSE to get an epidural. This is a first, as my first epidural was forced by a doctor and i forever felt wronged. I now am at peace for why women chose it and can support them 100% in that decision, because as i learned the hard way. . . some births are beyond painful. It really does exist. DH keeps reminding me that we did it. That everything we said we wanted happened and we didn't allow anything that we didn't want. No one broke my water (though laboring with SROM sucks), no one stretched me or hurried me along, i allowed my body to go into labor when it needed even though my dad is in the hossy, that i had a drug free birth (even though i wanted them lol) and that i did everything on my own even though i fought it. He also said, as did my mw's. . . even though i begged and pleaded and made it clear i wanted the epi, i never ONCE moved after we all agreed it was time to move. They would try to talk me down from the ledge and i would convince them it was what i wanted, and they would finally agree to getting ready to transport, and there i would sit. I wouldn't move a muscle or say 'ok get my panties and clothes on'. My body desperately wanted that pain relief and fought for it, but somehow my heart and soul wouldn't will me to it. Today, as the day turns into evening i am embracing a new feeling, that of quiet strength. A new feeling, but one that I am trying on for size and interested to see what change it brings to my life.