I have been pretty silent again lately. Loads of writer's block is the culprit i suppose. I've been holding so much in and then this week was me being in a negative funk that took me completely by surprise. I float through pregnancy feeling my best emotionally and mentally. I am even keel, calm, centered. It's been a good thing i am this way because how tumultuous this journey has been. I've been able to maintain a pretty close level of normalcy even though I've been stressed and anxious quite a lot.
I made a list of things that i had to get done and checked most of them off while dh took a week of vacation. Made me feel better for a few hours, but i awoke this morning in the worst of funks possible. Anxious, irritable, moody, mad and just out of sorts. Finally around 5 pm i went and started a warm bath, enjoyed a cup of rrl tea and listened to my itunes while reading one of my favorite books of all time 'Baby Catcher'. As i was reading through the homebirth stories that she mixes in between her story, i broke down and just sobbed. THIS is what i was going to miss out on. The calm setting, the kind support, the comfort of my own home and not having to worry about my girls. Something that has been so dear to me through out the entire journey of surrogacy, now gone because my IM was never honest with me about her true feelings on homebirth. Crying relieved a bit of my sadness over going back to a hospital birth.
Now I'm not a crier, i think its a waste of time and always results in one hellacious headache I'd much rather go on without. But as i started, more came to the surface and it was pretty cleansing. From those emotions i realized that this entire time I've looked forward to the birth (meaning all these years Ive been in surrogacy) because i looked forward to the raw power of natural childbirth and then the moment of seeing IPs become parents. Well, that has all been thrown out the window. My IPs most likely wont even be in the room due to our cold relationship and lack of trust (I haven't even heard from them in 3 weeks). Now, its as if I'm wondering if i can handle a natural childbirth for a baby never to be seen again and left feeling vulnerable and used. It scares me and saddens me. I'll do the natural birth for the baby and for me, but i had so looked forward to those few moments of joy in my IP's eyes when they met their child. I think I've been holding on to not thinking about it, because in all reality there will be no sunshine and roses. This is a business transaction that my IP's have hired me to do and will be followed through as such for their own peace of mind.
Thankfully i have a great husband who is better then any midwife I've ever met. He will get me through it, he will support me, he will enable me to be the best birther i can be all while traveling this unknown road and issues that we are coming into that we never expected to face in a surrogacy. It's far from what we pictured or imagined, but he will get me through it. He will be my strength, my love, my hope, my wall and my safe place to fall to when i have emotions i neither expect nor know how to deal with. This is why i love this man so dearly, because he can handle me and accept me the way i am and still love me for it all.
Which brought me to more tears at the reality of him being gone May 17th. My dh has joined the national guard and will be shipping out for basic training in South Carolina. He will be gone for 10 weeks. Then 3 days after he completes basic he will be going to 22 weeks of training in Georgia. We wont get to see him until he has a 2 week break for Christmas. Then he will be back home in February. It's a huge thing and so far I've been putting on a happy face. We were split for 9 months so I've done the single mom thing. I know the benefits and the hard parts of doing it alone. And in the end this will put our family at a better place, which we know we need. The job he will get full time with the federal government is stable and good paying and something that will take care of us both in our old age. But today i realized how desperately I'm going to miss him, especially post partum. Once i hand over this little kiwi to her parents, and then dh is gone. . . I'm betting I'm going to feel lonely and aimless. I'm also betting I'm going to realize how much more i love dh then i even currently realize.
So yeah, i have a wicked headache and a red splotchy face. But at least i made some progress with coming to terms with stuff hitting around my brain. This too shall pass, right?
2 comments:
Oh J, you've got so much to deal with! Keep truckin along and know if you need anything you have people to reach out to-even strangers that would be more than willing to drive to you :)
You are so close to birth-I hope you can take some joy in the experience and leave feeling strong and powerful. You've done a great job and you will continue to!
You are amazing Jenelle! I know it will be hard not to have a homebirth, but hopefully this hospital experience will not be as bad as the last one you had. I know I live far away, but I am here for you to vent to or talk to especially while DH is gone. You are one of the few friends that I have kept in contact with since High School. Hang in there girl! And it is ok to cry! I know what you mean about the stinkin' headache thing after wards too! LOL. You will go in anyday now I bet!!
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