The 3 emotions/stages

I'm finding that I 'cycle' between three pretty strong emotions/stages. I don't really know how to word it without coming across as a babbling fool, but i'll try.

One state is denial. I deny that i was married for almost 9 years and loved a man who can sit on the phone and say, "I HATE you, I HATE your heart, there is nothing i love about you and i may never have loved you". I deny that he really feels/thinks these thoughts and actually has spoken them out to me. I deny that this is my life, that i am moving forward with the end of a 10.5 year relationship who I thought was with my best friend. I deny that that it's as bad as it is, because really maybe he's right. Maybe I AM unlovable, maybe I am an atomic bomb at every curve going off and causing major collateral damage and maybe it's really not him. I am in denial that I chose poorly the one person who was to protect and love my soul.

Then I wake up and realize that's the cycle of abuse and I am no victim. So I move on to grief. What I call the SSS stage. Soul Sucking Sadness. I don't think i've felt this way since my best friend died when i was in elementary school. But it's there and it's all encompassing and it's one hell of a bitch to get past. The SSS stage makes me wish i could run off (like he did) and go into a bed and just cry for a week straight. That i could stop functioning just long enough to get a 6 hour window of sleep and then wake up and cry some more. Instead I look at the three beautiful faces looking up to me for guidance, love and reassurance and I move through my day like a zombie. Saying the right thing, kissing boo boos, making meals and doing laundry. Sneaking the deepest of cries when no one is looking. I know my kids know mommy isn't mommy, but i'm trying. I'm also trying to be open to this stage as it's very foreign to me and one i'm not accustomed to liking.

And then i find moments of strength. Ironic i suppose since i have a tattoo across my forearm that says 'Inner Strength' in japanese kanji surrounded by cherry blossoms. I got it during DH's 7 month training across the country as a symbolism of our strength in our marriage (oh how the irony smacks at me) and as proof that i survived huge PTSD from my surrogacy. The cherry blossoms represent the japanese belief that with every new season comes a new life cycle and while the past may have sucked big huge balls, the next season would burst forth with either the promise of new life or new growth itself (no i know, those aren't the japenese beliefs verbatim, i added a bit there). And so i find myself relieved, calm and strong. Almost looking forward to the future and realizing that this is healthy and good. I have stood up and said enough is enough, that i will no longer accept the abuse, the unhealthy boundaries or relationship i've set up for myself and modeled for my children. This is a new beginning, truly a new season and new phoenix process. I find moments of joy where i am excited that i get to take the time for me and reflect and grow and fix all the things i didn't love about myself in this relationship. That i get to learn to be alone again and be comfortable with it and to love myself all over again.

Right now, I'm between SSS and strength. After an hour long conversation with STBX where the words that were thrown at me cut me to the core I spent 2 hours crying. DS took a nap and while he slept i just let the tears roll and they wouldn't stop. I knew i should have been sleeping, but that SSS stage just took over and i had a few years worth of crying to get out of the way. I didn't know how i'd get through the day with the kids but knew i had to. And then i found some money a friend had left me and decided to treat the girls to Chinese which is their favorite food. Their fortune cookies struck me, especially DD#1's. It said "Jealousy, is not love". It couldn't have been more fitting.

 And then the neighbors who know what's going on invited us over to play and her dh played with my kids and gave them some one on one interaction with tag and other fun games outside, she took my DS and told me to take a load off. Good people are going to get me through this, as much as i hate to admit i'm not going to be able to do it on my own. But it's true. I need support and friendship. I need someone understanding how hard this is and while they can't take it from me, little moments of support by playing with my kids or texting me a sweet message or posting kind words on this blog get me through. Those moments of kindness add to my strength stage and help me see that I can and WILL get through this. The SSS stage is just one piece of the grief and I am mourning the loss of a marriage, a relationship and 10.5 years of my life as well as all my hopes and dreams i'd shared with this person.

So thank you dear friends, you carry my through when i think i cannot carry myself any more and for the first time in my life i'm realizing the ONE thing i asked of my dh and wanted in my marriage is suddenly being thrown at me in many other forms by the universe. My friends are supporting me and carrying me in the weakest moments when i don't know how i'm going to and for that I am humbled, grateful and hell bound and determined to learn from this and be the friend to others that so many are to me.