It's easy to feel as if i have lost myself, in all ways I pretty much have. I became someone else for this marriage. The only time I was me was when I was giving birth and through raising my children. Each of my children brought a part of me that I'd been searching for. In childbirth I was the most like the person I wanted to be. In loving my children, I was reminded of who I wanted to be.
But she's slowly coming up out of the woodwork. After doing some more investigative work and being blocked on facebook by 'said female' that stbx has been speaking with nonstop, I came across a lot more info. And it has brought even more doubts to my mind, all the way down to her son who is the same age as my son and looks eerily similar to my kids with the same big lips, perfect nose and big ears. A friend asked what if it was stbx'es? At first I laughed, then i did the math and for the life of me I could not account for the entire time stbx was home during that trip that we conceived DS. Nor will i ever know if they met before this. I am too tired to go and dig up the research and find out if her numbers or any numbers on the phone bills from that time frame match. The person i became during the marriage, would search till I had every last answer, every piece of the affair and everything in order. But a simple text telling me that he was no longer accountable to me for anything he does or did during the marriage was the plain truth of the matter as all the signs have been there (we've been through 3 previous affairs) and all the things in my back of my mind i was too tired to take note of have popped back up ever since I was pregnant with DS. I'm pretty sure he's been unfaithful, do i need proof and hard answers? Nope. Oh hey there beautiful, there's the old me.
After having another discussion trying to find out what his plans are for financial issues and how I'm suppose to afford this house, I finally had another moment of clarity. Even if i were to live in denial land and take him back and work on it, i'd never ever trust him and i haven't for years. I'd never forget this, i'd always know that as soon as things got a hiccup in them . . .he'd split and do the unforgivable or turn to another woman. Who deserves that? I sure as hell dont! Nope, i'm beautifully and wonderfully made as my big sis reminded me today and while i'm hugely flawed and have my own inner battles, I do not deserve to be with someone who thinks this is how you treat someone you vow to honor and protect or the parent of your children. And it reminded me that i must take that to heart and work at treating him with kindness and respect. I still love him, not in the 'i'd do anything' way. But in a way that I shared 10.5 years with this man, i shared intimacy with him as i never had with any other person in my entire life. I laid out my soul and allowed myself to be imperfect before him, hoping he'd love me anyways. And he couldn't. But i love him for my kids and i'll always love the idea of him that i'd hoped he'd come or maybe i wont and i'm ok with that, im mourning the death of us. Will i take him back? Not a cow's chance in hell. Will i ever forget this time? Most likely not. Will i forgive? One day, i'm not there yet. And it means I wont be taking him to the cleaner. I'm going to give him a chance to do the right thing and get the therapy and meds he needs. Originally i wanted to clean him out, ruin his career and out his affairs, lies and law breaking ways. But really, that only hurts the kids. He will be jobless and never see them at all and have no way to provide for them. I know Karma, her and i are pretty good friends and i'm betting he'll hit rock bottom without me ever having to do another thing to him. He wants to go start over with a girl 7 years younger than me, by all means have at it. Enjoy your life and when things get rocky, don't come crying to me mister (or missy).
I'm just starting to understand this 'surrender' thing my therapist touts is the worlds best medicine, that quite frankly i walked away wondering what SHE was smoking and if i could get some. But i'm starting to see. Control or needing to control the situation is the stem of my pain and fear. It's a heck of a lot easier to be the one that's doing the leaving than the one that's being left, because i am left completely and utterly without any say or control of the situation . . . except how i react. And while i wish it were me, i'm glad i didn't. Because i'm learning and holy crap, i'm having moments of SURRENDER. And the one thing i want to work on is how i react to others and their treatment of me. I want to be ghandi or mother teresa and speak words of love no matter how hurt or harmed i have been.
Rocking my sweet boy to sleep after the 2nd time he'd been up in an hour and a half was a sweet moment of surrender. Pretty sure i'm hanging up my surrogacy hat for good. I realized that while i'm sad and upset at stbx that i have to give up that dream for me, i'm ok with it because right now i need to be me. I cannot imagine bringing forth another couple's much wanted and hoped for blessing/dream, while I'm trying to navigate this world all over again taking care of my 3 blessings on my own. I want to have moments of surrender, and the married me would have taken it on because i have a 'fix the world' complex and because i have a sneaking suspicion . . . as long as i'm involved helping others, i don't have to help myself. But at 31, that's what this is about. This is about fixing me. It's about taking the next year to be me and be a mother. Nothing else. I can only imagine how the next year would go for myself and my children if i took on the physical exhaustion/exertion paired with the emotional ties that are involved in surrogacy. And i don't want to be snapping at my children due to me being tired or my back hurting, i do enough of that during the SSS stages. I want to surrender and i want to also surrender to my children and worry about nothing but myself and them. I will be better for it, my children will be better for it. And it's my first steps on the path of learning to surrender and not always have to fix everything or be in control. And i want this time to really take a thorough self evaluation and work on me and find the person i am meant to be and want to be.
This is where i get better, this is the point in my life that hopefully I will look back and see the huge fork in the road and realize how right i was to go the direction i'm going. It doesn't mean there wont be continued bumps in the road, moments of SSS and denial. But this is where that hope and strength comes back. I was born a fighter, I just had to take 10.5 years to realize i'd been fighting the wrong fight all along.
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