Expressions through music

Music has been a part of my life, since I could sit up. My mother tells me that I use to listen to classical music as a baby and that by the time I could talk I would ask for Bach and Beethoven. In elementary school I began piano lessons, I was pretty good and out of 6 children was the only one who kept with it. I also started percussion in elementary school and kept up with that until high school and then decided I didn't want to be a 'band nerd' and moved on to my true love which was softball.

But music has always been something that connects me to the fibers of life and earth and emotions. Church songs to this day are the ones that I sing my children to sleep with. They are the ones I know by heart and can hum away even when i'm distracted or down. My children's favorite is Amazing Grace, a song dear to my heart regardless of my own inner battle of what I believe these days. At the private Christian college I attended, I remember the first time I went to the morning worship/announcements (cant remember for the life of me what it's called there) and listening to the thousands of students singing all at once brought tears to my eyes and peace to my soul. It was simply amazing. Songs have always marked monumental times in my life, much like my tattoos do. Strawberry Wine by Deanna Carter will always bring back the summer I lost my virginity as it has lyrics from it that mark that monumental choice for me. Strawberry wine, 17, the hot july moon saw everything, first taste of love, bittersweet . . . To this day I can hear that song and I can remember all those emotions and that summer, and i'm so very thankful that it's one of my better memories. Or there is Green Day's Truly, Madly, Deeply which was my 'song' with my last boyfriend in high school, which ended up being a pretty bad/abusive/unhealthy relationship. But i hear that song and still remember those bad times. Or there is the song that reminds me of my college love, my first true love. The man that I thought i'd marry and make a life with, the man who taught me courage and the ability to stand strong for what you believe in despite how much it breaks your heart.

There are so many songs that come on and hit me and open my heart right up to those moments in time in my past. Lately every song from our last break up are on the radio. Which at times ticks me off, these are old songs people! Why are you playing 4 and 5 year old songs that only break my heart and remind me i was stupid enough to buy his bull last time. It makes me think 'once a cheater always a cheater' and i do NOT believe that. I believe in the ability to change and that no one is predestined to be a certain something forever, otherwise what's the hope in humanity???

And right now at this exact moment in time I'm between 2 key songs. Carrie Underwood's 'Before He Cheats' (which if i recall correctly came out RIGHT after the last time I found out he had cheater and we split). Seriously, everything in me screams to just beat the crap out of his car and life. To take him for ALL he's worth. This desire for revenge is not an easy one to ignore nor is it one i'm proud to admit. I want to take all the info I have to his commanding officer, show where he's lied on our lease (forged my signature without my knowledge), how he illegally broke our old lease and used the military without their knowledge to do so, how he's lied and cheated to EVERYONE, not just me. And i want to peg him against the wall and make him squirm. And then I want to ask him if some chick 10 years younger than him was worth it all. If denying that he needed mental support was worth all this.

And then I snap out of it and realize it will devistate my children and quite possibly send him over the edge and while I have my moment's of hatred for him, I don't want him harming himself. And then I go to 'Apologize' by One Republic. It's too late to apologize. You've screwed this up so much buddy, and i'm going to get to the point where I'm not hurting so much and feel so betrayed. I'm hoping I get to the point where I don't care and i don't love this person that has hurt me so much. I'm hoping that I can get to the point of these emotions most of the time. The glimpses of hope and peace are teasers and while i'm thankful for the reminder, i'm ready to be over this mopey, revengeful, mourning mood. I've been hurting and sad over not being loved by him for 8 years after 9 years of off and on again affairs. So this time, I want to dig in and be over it. I want to stop loving him, I want to stop hurting (impossible i know), and I want to be happy with this decision. Because I know, eventually he will come back and want to work it out. But i have to be at a place where it's too damn late buddy . . . you had 10.5 years to get it right. If you couldn't get it right then, you never will. Not with me at least.

And then  I hear 'Chasing Cars' (by Snow Patrol) and am reminded that I've always known that this isn't love, and I've always longed for someone to just come and lay here and forget the world before we get too old. I've been lonely for 10.5 years, even though i've been in a marriage and surrounded by children. I'm laying here by myself, all that i am, all that i ever was, is here waiting . . . only to be ignored. Moment's like this make my soul want to cry forever. How did i let myself continue in this? Why did i say this was acceptable for myself? How have i not loved myself enough to stand up and leave?

Going to end this with some lyrics from a Nickleback song, because i'll never be alone. I have  my friends, i have my children, i have my faith in humanity. I am strong enough on my own two feet, and am truly never alone because i have ME:

Oh, you've gotta live every single day


Like it's the only one, what if tomorrow never comes?

Don't let it slip away, could be our only one

You know it's only just begun, every single day

Maybe our only one, what if tomorrow never comes?

Tomorrow never comes



Time is going by so much faster than I

And I'm starting to regret not telling all of this to you



You're never gonna be alone from this moment on

If you ever feel like letting go, I won't let you fall

When all hope is gone, I know that you can carry on

We're gonna see the world out, I'll hold you 'til the hurt is gone