Will pay to talk

I don't have millions of jumbled thoughts like i normally do, because I paid someone to listen to all my issues today. I love my therapist, i won't lie. She tells me how much she was like me in her early 30s and she also says things that show she 'works' like i do. Her brain gets me. She also gives it to me straight. Today she said, "Stop being a victim. Why are you so adamantly opposed to leaving STBX our of your hula hoop (what she calls one's own personal bubble where no one else can enter or be accountable)?"

Heh, she pegged me. I've been trying to put on a strong front and refusing to admit to the world i'm a 'victim', but yet i'm refusing to take any accountability and leave STBX out of the equation. As she reminds me, i can only control myself, can only fix myself. I cannot control the situation, i cannot control the STBX, I cannot control how my kids will react to all of this. I simply can control how I react and where I go from here. Novel concept, J! Though I can't take credit, since once again, I pay someone to listen to me talk and set me straight.

I did walk away feeling some peace, first time since DS was a very new infant. And it was a relief. I realized that I have been fighting in a way that would give me the very reaction I feared most. To be left alone. I don't do alone well. I've done it before as a single mom and it was the worst time in my life. I hate being left alone more than i hate nails on a chalkboard. I've felt alone most of my life to be honest, that comes from growing up in my family/household. And I've felt alone most of my marriage. So to be alone again, without even night time help for the kids . . . that seems like the worst life sentence I could ever imagine. But here I sit, because i reacted and pushed and hurt just as much as I was pushed and hurt. I've never been a pushover, i've always pushed back. It didn't work so well for me. And i'm ok with that. I've done the best I could with the knowledge and tools I had at the time. I put me on the backburner once DS was born and simply was coping, albeit coping in the exact same ways as I did in high school because STBX reminds me of my mother to a T. And now I can only control myself and it's time to stop worrying about STBX and what he does or doesnt do to me.

But here's the great part of all of this, I have moments of true hope. Not just strength anymore, but true hope. It's as if after the SSS stage, denial and just pain. . . I get glimpses of sunshine. I see that it will not rain forever, that everything that dies eventually comes back to life . . .just usually in another way. It's like this thing that i read from a Buddhist. When you extinguish a flame it does not die for ever, it is reborn into the air. When food dies, it is either fuel for us or feeds the earth. It is the never ending cycle of life. I am part of that cycle. The woman that I have been for the last 10.5 years is dying, and I've been fighting it tooth and nail thinking it's a horrible thing. But in reality, it's a gift that I didn't realize. And soon I will be reborn. Soon the phoenix will rise from the ashes and she will be the better for it.

I can do this and I will. I have done the single mom thing, i have survived STBX being gone for 7 months while i do everything for the kids, I am capable, I am smart, I am beautiful and I do have a good heart and soul behind the Fort Knox i've built up around it. I'll get through this, but i know it's going ot take time and take a lot out of me. I asked my therapist if i needed to be medicated because i'm so darn exhausted all the time, she reminded me that i'm working through far more emotions than normal plus my cortisol levels are most likely at the limit quite often in the constant battle, and i'm raising three kids completely on my own. She said once i get to the peace and surrender and acceptance, it wont be so exhausting though i'll most likely deal with issues popping up from time to time for the rest of my life. That was reassuring.

And so my affirmations (or homework as she likes to call it) are these:

"Take the high road - Regardless of how I feel: do and say the right thing"
"I didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it"
"No revenge"
"Stay in my own blue/green zone"
"BREATHE"

I can do this. If i can mentally and emotionally prepare and kick DS's birth. . . i can kick this divorce's arse too. I don't need a man, i don't need love. It's a want. And i can live with out it if need be as long as I am the person I want to be. And i'm ok with taking time to get to know and become that person. I'd much rather live in hope and peace than constant chaos and anger.