Weighing the odds

I'm not a big fan of betting. I have no say in the final outcome, I am not on the team contributing to the win, I don't have the ability to be a part of what happens. Gambling, not my thing as I suck at numbers. Occasionally I love playing blackjack on the computers, but don't love losing money. And playing the lotto, i'll do every once in a blue moon but hate even losing that $1 for an empty promise.

So tonight I sit and weigh the odds and it makes me all kinds of uncomfortable. I was the teenage girl who wished she owned a genuine crystal ball that told me exactly who I was suppose to end up with and who not to waste my time on, because I hate wasting my time and getting hurt. That worked out well for me, didnt it. LOL

Tonight I was informed that my cell may be getting shut off. Another tactic at control. I never really understood just how manipulative he is, because I was in the thick of it. Three weeks of freedom and I see how weak I had become when with him. I had always used my kids as an excuse, I wanted the best for them. Divorce was never best . . . or so I thought until now. I also was told that I would only be getting $1600 in child support and he intends on getting 50/50.

You know i'm an awful lot of things. But the word vindictive does not portray me in the most honest light, because I'm not. I'm loyal to a fault, I'm loving and I'm always hopeful that the murderer will see his wrong and one day come forward and confess and try to make his wrongs right. That's just how I have always been. And I always thought I wasn't stupid, until tonight. But being told that I am vindictive and using the kids does not sit well with me, because I have given this man every ample opportunity to be the father he needs to be and to get his crap straight. But once you tell me your suicidal thoughts, I no longer leave you alone with my children. There is a reason that the only time he's been alone with them in the last 6 months was after DS got a skull fracture and I was staying the night with him and STBX had to stay at home with the girls.

A few days ago he had agreed that he would get a few opinions and do the requested therapy and medications until he got to a more level place and to which i let him know i would then be 100% happy with 50/50. But tonight he was adamant he needed none of it. And you cannot convince a sick person that they aren't working in the best frame of mind and to trust the one person they have directed all their hate and anger at. I want to remind the man that I was the one who dropped the lawsuits against the agency and RE when we had our surrogacy debacle. He wanted to continue and sue them for all they were worth. But yet I'm the vindictive one? I believe there is much to be said about the peace and calm that comes from being the bigger person even after you've been hurt, for me personally it has brought a peace and strength that I found no where else. That's where I want to be with STBX. But he keeps putting up these damn roadblocks.

I fear he is going to force my hands with his denial. I know, I am only in control of myself. But where do you draw that line? He stated how and what he was thinking about killing himself. He's done this now 3 times. He has gone into rages over the last 3 months, one of which had our 13 month old son right in the midst of when his anger was directed at me. He is blindsided and willing to trust nothing I say and adamant he wants out. Ok fine, leave. But go get yourself help and then come back for the kids. They will still be here, I will not poison their minds and it's a hell of a lot easier to reassure them and tell them positive things when he is actually trying to get himself help. But he see's none of this and insists I am out to get him.

I do not want it to come to this. I do not want him to hit such rock bottom that he's left with nothing. It's almost as if he is an addict. And he can't see that i'm done fighting with him and only putting our babies first, which i like to think one day he will thank me because i know he loves them. At least he loves them and i'm praying that doesn't change. I truly want him healthy and whole, and not for myself. I think for the first time in my life I want something for him that is not selfish. I do not want him to heal and get to a better place so that I can have him back, that ship has sailed. But I want it for him. And I want it for my kids so that they can love and respect their father and not repeat the cycle that he lived himself. I want it for THEM.

But tonight he informed me he would be back on monday (after 4 days of me telling him i knew he was lying about his orders being until the 26th) and was coming by to see the kids. To which I said 'great'. Then he said he was going to take them out and I said no way. You can visit them here and play with them and i will make myself scarce and get on the computer or hide away. But i do not trust him to take them anywhere. I have these paralyzing moments of realization that he knows i'm done and that he can no longer hurt me . . .unless he takes my children away or hurts them. And it's scary. I've stuck around in this marriage for the last few years because i've wanted to protect the kids, and him from himself. But this shared custody thing when he's not on medication after a true diagnoses and these suicidal thoughts just sends me into a tizzy of fear. I know, I cannot control it. But i can control where my children go. When he told me since i had nothing in writing, he could take them anywhere . . .mama bear comes out. I'm so fearful that he is so damned adamant about being right, that he's going to refuse to see the reason and i'm going to have to pull out the big guns of what i previously deemed revenge.

I don't WANT to hurt him. I know he's down, i know he's sick, i know he's depressed as hell. But my kids are more important. And i don't understand the issue with visiting with them in their home for a few hours. I don't understand how after the things he's said in the last few months he can't even begin to see my concerns. And so i am stuck here, weighing the odds.

I've been unable to find a single pro bono or low cost lawyer. All of them want to bill a low fee and then work on a payment plan and sue STBX for the amount, but i know he wont pay them a dime as he owes everyone else and their mother (literally). My only options are to go to the base about an hour away and involve JAG . . . which is not something to be taken lightly.

And this is what kills me about myself. Here I am left, abandoned, raising three kids on my own with zero income and no help from STBX. I get nasty texts and phone calls and yet I still understand the brevity of the consequences of involving JAG and what it will do to his career. This will debilitate him for the rest of his life. He most likely will get dishonorably discharged. He will lose his security clearance. His DOD job. He will lose his VA benefits and his retirement. Our kids will lose their college tuition's. And when I mentioned to STBX that i may have to go down that route, all he could ask me was how I was willing to ruin our children's college careers and waste thousands of dollars in tuition funds. Um hello idiot, it's not about the money. He knows what he did and he knows its all over. But yet, he still pushes for it to go HIS way.

And then I am reminded, I cannot control it. I will come to a decision this weekend on what i HAVE to do. It will be him forcing my hand, not something i'm doing out of revenge. I cannot risk him doing something and my children paying for it. There are just one too many horror stories on the news and i cannot be 'that woman' left trying to survive it all. So I cannot control it. But i can raise my son in a manner to where he never is this way, i pray. The amount of dysfunction hopefully wont last forever. Hopefully STBX gets help and heals and I can raise our children in a manner to where this blip in time doesn't forever scar them.