It's been two and a half weeks since he 'officially' moved out/left and I find it so easy to go into that denial stage through all of this. As I hopped into the shower last night at about 10 pm I thought to myself, "I just want to wake up and this be the worst nightmare of my life and not my reality, I want him to come home and make it all better". Proof, that my resolve is weak and I notice it especially happens after I engage with him.
STBX spent an hour texting me last night after missing a phone call from our middle DD who was SOBBING for an hour that she wanted a new family. She'd been tough all day and smiles (this kid is JUST like her mama and I saw the storm coming a mile away) and happy and eager to please. Everytime DD#1 melted down she would pat her back and reassure her and tell her how fine it was. The one time we discussed what's going on, she was fine with it and her only request was that maybe daddy could find a way to live in the lot next door (we live next to an empty half acre lot between our neighbor's and our house). But I knew, I knew this sweet heart and soul that has been in my life for almost 6 years now and I knew she is JUST like her mama. She puts on a good face, comforts and cares for everyone else, makes sure they all have their needs met and soldiers through as long as she can and then like a 8.0 earthquake it all comes rumbling to the surface and the shock waves create mass destruction and the crying is explosive.
She insisted on finding another family and she didn't even want a dog anymore. She told me how she wished we'd never had a baby brother (who she had asked to have for over a year before we had him and who she has been best buds with and has a very special bond with), she said that she wanted a daddy that didn't have to always be gone with work, she wanted a daddy who didn't leave her and her brother and sister and me and she wanted a daddy who didn't make her mommy so sad. All I could do was hold her and listen and tell her i heard her and acknowledge how sad she is. And inside my head i thought "and thus begins my sweet, innocent daughter's own abandonment issues", the very thing i had wanted to avoid for all of my children the most. She asked to call her daddy and i said yes, the one time he doesn't answer. . . this happens.
Anyways. . . long story short i got her to sleep after an hour and then he texts and it's just the same old routine of blaming it on me, insisting i'm unsafe and crazy (i'd love to know how exactly i'm unsafe and crazy and yet he's left three children, one of which was under a year, under my care and supervision with zero concerns nonstop over the past year???) and so on. And i went to bed just wishing for this to be over or some magical thing to happen to fix it all.
Those moments of weakness are going to get me killed. No, he's not physically abusive and i don't mean in a literal sense. I just mean that if I give in and do the old routine that i do where I beg and plead and work on it from my end, all the while he doesn't change or work on himself, I am signing my own death sentence for my heart and soul. Staying in this relationship is killing my heart and soul. It's killing my kids as well. And sadly, there has to be collateral damage along the way. So I have to make a decision, one of many I'm sure. It's like driving in a car and suddenly it bursts into flames, i know the only way out of that car is to open the door and jump out while it's still moving. I'm going to get scraped the heck up and possibly break a bone or two, but what's the alternative? Burn to death? And add to this scenario, that i have to scoop up three kids and jump with them, trying to protect them as best as I can from the scrapes and breaks because I sure as hell will not let my children go down in flames and there will be no one to catch us. Either way they are going to get hurt, but at least one choice gives them a chance at survival. I know it seems like an extreme comparison, but humor me, I'm a child of divorce and know how bad it can get and what emotions kids feel regardless of how good the outcome of that divorce is.
And so to jump or stay until the flames are out of control? I know that wishing for a fire extinguisher magically showing up isn't going to happen. I know that ignoring the flames will only kill us. And so I feel as if i am forced to jump. And jumping means filing for divorce. Which I'll be honest, scares the crap out of me. I have no attorney, I have no money to hire an attorney. I have no job to save up for an attorney and STBX has cut me off from almost all finances. But i know that i will need an attorney to represent me because I know this will not be an easy walk in the park divorce.
STBX has made it clear that he will not be happy with anything less than 50/50 custody. Which in most cases, i believe is in the best interest of the children. Children need both their kids and they need undisclosed access and the ability to go back and forth without fighting over who's day it is for their well being. But I have so many concerns that I cannot even begin to comprehend them being with him half the time. One of the main reasons i've put up with the hell of this relationship is because i haven't felt the kids are old enough to protect themselves as he is unstable emotionally at times. Not batshit crazy, so cool your jets. But depressed, very depressed and at times has admitted that he gets suicidal (note his dad committed suicide when stbx was 14) but refuses to get help or medicated, I think due to fear (they switched his dad's meds right before he committed suicide and the lawsuit his family did found that to be the cause) and due to his military career. But regardless i need him in treatment and under some sort of medical protocol since the only psychiatrist i've been able to get him to go to diagnosed him with depression and prescribed him meds that he refused. Between this and his unstable work schedule where he is constantly traveling, I'm not comfortable with him having 50/50 or even unsupervised visits. When a man tells you he contemplated driving off a bridge while across the country, everything changes as to how you view that person. And I feel like i'm stuck with an impossible situation. I cannot force him into help (see how that has worked out over the last 10 years), and yet I want the children to be involved in his life. If i demand or ask for him to get help, if i fight for full custody and supervised visits he will only see it as control and me trying to use the kids, he cannot admit or see that i'm trying to do what's best for the children until he's in a healthy enough place to take over making those decisions for himself. I don't want full custody forever (hello, i'm human and would be lying if i didn't admit that i'd love a night or day to myself every once in awhile if i'm going to go through this hell of a divorce), but for right now i feel that i don't know who this person is and i don't know how to insure the safety of the 3 most important things in my life.
So that's where i'm at, I have to make the move but i know that if i go forward without legal representation he will manipulate and get his way as he always has. The affairs, the abuse, the financial woes all get easily explained away by him and i cannot have it go that way with the kids. Sadly i'm not eligible for JAG services, which sucks because i'd much rather have someone who specializes in military families since he's broken quite a few rules (left his family behind without paying rent and bills while on AD orders, falsified legal documents, and the most recent is quite possibly having an affair with a female soldier in his unit or at the very least is having an inappropriate friendship which the phone bills back up). Plus i have no mailing address for him, no idea where he is staying and he refuses to give me one. But he's moved out. Right now he's on a military base, but for how long I have no clue so I don't even know where to serve him. I feel anger at that to be honest. He moved us into this house where our bills went up and promised everything would be ok, 1 month later he up and moves out? And i'm now suppose to figure out how to cover all the bills with no income and fight for custody and then i'm supposed to magically find out where he's living?
Ok enough of the anger, just trying to work through the emotions. I tallied up my bills to continue living in this house we JUST moved into and it's about $3200 a month, and I doubt that he will continue paying for everything to support a woman he 'hates'. I'd love to win the lottery right now, I know it wouldn't take away the pain but it sure would make the financial aspect much easier to swallow lol!
So that's where i'm at, i'm ready to file and need to file for my own emotional well being. I need to put my foot down and i need to say "NO, i am NOT going back to you no matter what you do or how you change, this chapter is closed the story is OVER" and i need closure. I need to stop being a victim and start being a survivor and use my voice to end this part of the chaos.
2 comments:
Okay, a couple things. First, HUGE HUGS!!!!!
Second, contact your local legal aid society. Contact a law school, they usually have legal clinics. Call a women's shelter. One of these resources will be able to help you get a lawyer at no cost or little cost, depending on assets/income. You don't have to go it alone, and you shouldn't. There are resources, and you need to utilize them all to your advantage.
Second, if you have any documentation of his depression, instability, mental illness, a refusal to get help, USE IT. Whether it's a journal, a letter, an email, a personal account, whatever, you need to use it. You have to protect your children, above all else in this world, and trust me, from a been-there, done-that perspective, it's worth it. I have 100% sole custody of Aidan, Paul gets limited supervised visitation, and that is it. Paul's history of mental illness and suicide attempts were enough to make the judge go "who, nelly, not happening" and she ordered 2 hours a week supervised by a social worker, a visitation agency, or two unrelated adults present at ALL times. I also have it stipulated in our parenting agreement that he has to provide me with letters from a psychiatrist and from his personal therapist, as well as his primary care doctor annually stating that he is medication compliant, attends therapy regularly, and has not expressed any suicidal or homicidal ideation. That's a condition of his visitation with Aidan. If I don't get those, he loses the right to see him. Well, guess what he did? He walked away and never looked back, and hasn't seen Aidan in a year, which sucks, but I don't see Ben doing that to your babies.
Third, keep ALL text messages, emails, and any correspondence you get from him. Hateful words, threats, etc, all make him look bad in the eyes of the courts, and any documentation of instability you have is strength in your favor.
Fourth, and this is the hardest, hardest, HARDEST part of all. Bite your tongue. Don't say it, don't give him the satisfaction, don't give him the power, the ammunition, nothing. You may want to throw words at him, accuse him, scream at him, write him hate mail, you name it, but don't do it. DON'T DO IT. It'll only come back to bite you on the ass, and hurt you more than it hurts him. The opposite of love isn't hatred. It's indifference. Be indifferent. Give him a "meh" not "argh!" It's hard, it's freaking IMPOSSIBLE, but you have to be the bigger person here. I so hate being the bigger person, don't you?
Fifth, contact his Commanding Officer. They know where he is. And let them know that he abandoned his family financially. Watch how FAST his head spins when his CO slaps him upside the head and gives him shit. He can't do that to you, and trust me, they will be able to find him in a flash to help you with serving him papers. And it's going to look really bad on him.
Good for you for looking back into school and looking at a less expensive way to live for a while. My bills here are about $3400 a month, and it's freaking HARD to do it. Is renting out a bedroom in the house an option for you? Maybe you could find a single mom with a kiddo your kids age, and you could share some expenses, possibly trade child care, etc? I was looking into that, but before I found someone, Chris and I decided to be roommates, so I have a single dad moving in, instead of a single mom, but man, the extra financial help is a godsend. And it's awesome for the kiddos to have someone new to play with. Even if Aidan is hell bent on not sharing his toys with Cristiana. lol If you have extra space, maybe that's a possibility?
I'm so sorry you are going through so much hell, sweetie. God, reading what you write is like opening my soul and reading my own emotions, fears and doubts. You are not alone, no matter how alone you feel. You've got amazing friends, people who have never met you who love you and think you are pretty damn awesome, and girl, you ARE going to get through this. Allow yourself to cry, to grieve, to scream, to rage, and then pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and realize that you didn't waste ten years of your life. You have three amazing gifts from those ten years, and they are your purpose, your reason, your being, your everything, and they are truly blessings from above. Our babies make the pain worth it. Like birth, you're going to work through this, and come through on the other side with a new life to show for it.
Hugs, and MUCH LOVE to you. You can call me anytime you want an ear.
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