This is where i get to the hard part. When i want to clam up and withdraw from the world, I know that i'm hitting the serious stuff. It's easy enough to be positive and keep a good face on or fake it till you make it. But then reality hits and sometimes you just want to be quiet and withdraw.
That's where i'm at. I don't want to answer any more questions. I don't want to have to figure out any more miracles. I don't want to have to reassure my kids for the millionth time that yes, daddy will still be coming home after this mission. And i want to tell stbx to go kiss my royal ass for ever putting our kids in the position of them missing him for these stupid effing missions.
Yep, that's how i really feel. And probably why he hates me so much. He looks at these missions and his job as doing something good for the world. All i see is a man using the typical 'be bigger, badder and have bigger weapons then the enemy' scare tactic that i feel has screwed up our world so tragically. And then i'm suppose to sit by and support it huh? Hate me till you die babe, I can't support it and never did when you decided to join the Army. I promised i'd always support him, but never how our government works.
Anyways, i'm grieving. I'm realizing what it's really like to be alone. I'm rocking my baby to sleep at night realizing it will be my last baby. I'm grabbing ahold of these moments and have come to semi-acceptance that this chapter in my life is done. Yes, i know. Never say never. But for me, it's about me. I realize how i feel on these nights when i'm bone tired and have been giving to everyone but myself. I look around and realize i'm raising three kids on my own already. I am getting zero sleep with DS's horrible sleep habits and i know that if i ever were to meet someone and marry and possibly have another baby, it would be bad for ME because it would bring me back to this time. And quite frankly, i'd rather leave well enough alone. I don't need to have more babies to be happy. And it irritates the hell out of me that STBX seems to think i am going to have more babies with another man and that is the only fulfillment in my life. So the dream of having a fourth child is slowing having the gravel strewn all over it's coffin. It's painful, it's hard. . .but it's my reality and one i must come to peace with and surrender to.
Sorry, i'm all over the map tonight. PMS is in FULL effect and i've been a snapping, raging woman today. I'm ready for a beach, a perfect body, a few drinks in hand and a good gal pal to just talk about the rise and flow of the ocean. Or the hot body running in front of us. Or the way the sun reflects on the surfboards. I'm ready to just be me for 2 minutes. And i know that's a few years off. Which is ok, it's a decision i made when i came to STBX with our plan. But i also know that once we've made it past this cohabitative stage and he is finally healthy and whole, i'll be taking a VERY long vacation by myself or with a great best friend. I deserve it. And that is when the Umbrella song by Rihanna comes to mind. For years it was about loving someone. Now it's about friendship to me. Let me explain. The lyrics are in black, my interpretation is in purple:
You have my heart
And we'll never be worlds apart
Maybe in magazines
But you'll still be my star
My babies are my heart, we will never be seperated because he is a part of my babies' lives.
Baby ?cause in the dark
You can't see shiny cars
And that's when you need me there
Right now he's so sick that he can't see the car coming right at him, ready to run him over in the rain.
With you I'll always share
Because
When the sun shines, we?ll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'll always be a friend
Took an oath, I'ma stick it out till the end
We will always share our children and the love that created them. I promised i'll be there, and while it can no longer be as a wife, i can sure as hell learn to be his friend. I'll stick it out till the end because our kids deserve it.
Now that it's raining more than ever
Know that we'll still have each other
You can stand under my umbrella
You can stand under my umbrella
It's pretty bad right now and while I don't love how he's treated me or what he's doing to our family and this hailstorm he's causing, i am going to be the good, i'm going to react with kindness and strength and while i wont share a bed or a marriage with him . . . i will share an umbrella until he can get out from this storm he has created.
These fancy things, will never come in between
You're part of my entity, here for infinity
When the war has took it's part
When the world has dealt it's cards
If the hand is hard, together we'll mend your heart
My entity is my family, my children. They will be a part of me forever. When we are done with this war of a divorce and it's come to an end, we will still be able to look at each other and we both will have been ok. He will come away from this healed, i'm not healing i'm just offering the peace offering allowing him to find healing.
You can run into my arms
It's okay don't be alarmed
Come here to me
There's no distance in between our love
Strictly in the aspect of our kids. Right now he can't be the father he promised me and so he can come to me with honesty and truth telling me that he needs to fix himself, he doesn't have to be scared of me hurting him or using it against him. There is no distance that would be worth sacrificing our love, which now, is solely the children we created together. If i ruin our love, it ruins our children. And so i have to respect and put to the side the love we had, because ruining that will only ruin our children. And one day, he will heal and be the dad he promised he could be and will no longer need me. And i'll walk away, close my umbrella and know that i did right by these children and the love that i vowed to him. He will never know it, but these are part of my vows. I wont let him come to harm, i wont let him kill himself, i wont let him ruin. I will be the umbrella until he can stand on his own and I know it's only a short time. I no longer love him, i simply love our children and the legacy they are of us. This is no longer about me or him, it's about them. One day i'll get to be on that beach and one day i wont have to worry about them. I know it will be ok. But for right now, i'm going to withdraw and be silent. I need some quiet time to myself.
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