Like a flat soda

My DH and midwives have been telling me for months that i really need to journal about my surrogacy journey. I have been hesitant to, it's not all sunshine and roses and has been pretty stressful. Who wants to admit that things are less then ideal, especially when doing something so controversial as surrogacy? I'll start with telling my journey into surrogacy.

When i was 21, i was diagnosed with PCOS. I had so many cysts, that many months I wouldn't even ovulate. My OB put me on BCP's to help regulate the cysts and to keep me from ovulating period and dealing with the pain and agony i was going through. They thought i may also have endometriosis, but refused the surgery for diagnoses. They told me at 21 that I would never conceive on my own and if i miraculously did, I would never be able to carry to term. It hit hard and I suddenly wanted children more then life for the first time in my life. I dealt with it, met a man (Ben) who would end up being the love of my life and told him that I most likely wouldn't be able to have children for him. He supported me, but said i was still young yet and let's see how it goes.

2 years later we moved in together and i threw out the birth control. I couldn't stand they way it effected my hormones, hated feeling so queasy most mornings and figured if i couldn't get pregnant i might as well quit taking it. A month later I had a horrible case of food poisoning. I had only had 1 margarita the night before so i knew it wasn't that. Ben, was working that Saturday. So i called him and told him i had horrible food poisoning and could he pick up some saltines and ginger ale on the way home, i was living in the bathroom for the day. He ended up working OT that day, so called my older sis who lived 2 minutes away and asked her if she could check on me because i was pretty miserable. She was at a soccer game with her kids, and asked her DH to do it instead. 2 seconds later i get a phone call "Denis says you're pregnant!"
Me - "HUH? No i have food poisoning or the tummy flu."
Her - "Well, when was your last period. Denis says your pregnant."
Me - "Um, about 2 weeks ago i think. Yeah, it was light but i got it. I'm not pregnant Kel."
Her - "OK, well Denis swears you are, I'm with the kids. He's gonna drop off some stuff at the door for ya. Feel better and call me later tonight, love ya mommy."

We hung up and i thought she was insane. I managed to peel myself off the floor and double check through my drawers, yes in fact i was out of tampons and my calender did have the big X's for 2 days 2 weeks previously. In fact it coincided with our trip to Great America, and i distinctly remembered taking Midol for my cramps that had hit on the way up there. 30 minutes later i heard a knock on the door, went and found ginger ale, saltines and a pregnancy test waiting at my door. I laughed, my Bil was paranoid. Of course that's what comes when you're married to my fertile sis who had 3 kids in 4 years.

I tried to snack on the saltines and ginger ale, to no avail. Nothing was settling, so i tried to pass out. That night Ben woke me and asked why there was a pregnancy test and 2 phone calls from my sister asking how in the world he had knocked me up. He convinced me to just pee on the stick already (with a knowing gleam in his eyes) and i told him i was so busy puking i wasn't sure how much liquid was left in me. I managed to get enough on the stick that night, and before i even rested it on the tub the 2nd pink line was already there. I sat down on the ground with a thump and couldn't think for a second. At first i thought it was a fluke, and then suddenly the night of conception came flying back to my mind. I had gotten my eyebrow pierced and we had gone out on the town shortly after new years. I celebrated a bit too much, but still distinctly remember telling Ben that i had in fact felt ovulation that day and that he really needed to use a condom just in case. Well, we didn't. Both assuming i was still never going to conceive on my own . And that one moment of doubt, led us on to the greatest gift we were ever given.

I ended up being 6 weeks along the day of my 'food poisoning'. And panicked since we were in the midst of planning a big wedding set for May (only 4 months away), the dress had already been purchased and i was not walking down the aisle unless i was in that dress. I lovingly joked with my Bil from then on, it was his fault we were pregnant. From the outside, people stop and raise their eyebrow. . . but it's our inside family joke. Ben and I ended up putting our huge wedding on fast forward and chose a destination wedding with 25 of our closest family friends 3 weeks later, in the gown of my dreams. It was the only day, i didnt puke.

We went on to have a healthy little girl at 41 weeks (which bless her heart made me puke every day for those entire 41 weeks) weighing at 8 lbs 2 oz on a beautiful October day. Suddenly, as they handed me my daughter and i looked in her eyes, i knew that this was no accident or mistake. God wasn't making me go through the agony and torture of hyperemisis and the 39 hour labor just to tease me. I really was a mother. I really had conceived and carried to term my own child, i really was a mother. And at that moment i knew I had always been meant to be a mother, but had never dared to hope for it after my diagnoses. But here it was, and at that moment i felt every women who had been told they could never carry their own child still deserved to be a mother and be given the gift of greeting their child in their arms for the very first time.

Shortly after the birth of my 2nd daughter i started looking into surrogacy. I felt i was able to share my story and because God had decided to bless me with the gift of my children, I wanted to use my body and pay it forward to help another woman meet her child. I spent a year and a half researching, learning and looking for a match. Then i independently matched with the most amazing couple that my entire family fell in love with. R had lost her uterus due to cancer and was unable to carry a pregnancy. Her DH had no mobility in his sperm. R was adopted at birth and her cousin had donated her eggs (an amazing gift). So in February we started cycling and injecting myself with meds and then we transferred 2 embies and 3 days later the morning sickness started up and I knew we were pregnant. On the 4th day i was getting big fat positives, and by the 7th day we had a digital confirmation of pregnancy. I still don't know what happened, or even why. It makes no sense to me. The bond that i had with R & G is one that i cherish to this day, we became friends and DH and i ended up offering them our help with no compensation. That's how much we loved them and they loved our family. We knew we were suppose to help them become parents and they had enough stress without figuring out the costs of a compensation. Anyways, my beta returned at a 14 if i remember correctly. 2 days later it was down to 4 and we were told that we were ending in a chemical miscarriage. My IM was devastated, i was quietly so. We talked about going the traditional surrogate route. But my IM told me she had prayed and prayed for one more shot, and this had been it. Clearly, God's answer was she was not meant to have children she told me. Her faith and strength even through her sadness and sorrow sticks with me to this day.

I was pretty sure i was done with surrogacy. The shots and cycling is no picnic. My rear was sore for weeks and i was not sure i could do a surrogacy for just anyone. I talked to a few couples for traditional surrogacy, got contracts started with a local couple and realized it just wasn't the same fit as with my FIPs and that there were too many red flags.

This story will have to be continued. . .