Part 2

Finally, just as i had sworn to dh and my family that i was laying to rest my dreams at helping another family via surrogacy a friend who worked for an agency called me up. I hadn't heard from her in months, but we'd been speaking the last 2 years after my initial signing up with the agency. We talked every few months, compared prospective IPs and A knew how picky i was, never pushed anything on me through those 2 years. I had a few things that made me hard to match, I refused selective reduction and abortions and would only transfer 2 embies. I also believed in home birth and was trying to match with IPs who would not just agree, but embrace their child being born at home. It's not for everyone, and i didn't feel the need to convince IPs of this. . . it was something i wanted for a couple who already wanted it. I knew my wait would be long when i first looked into surrogacy.

I completely forgot to mention the match that I was in before my FIPs. It's a time in my life I sort of glazed over due to personal things. But its a very crucial key, because i learned a lot during that time. I was matched with a lovely couple, who embraced home birth and were very naturally minded. N & H had been dealt a tough blow at a very early age and by the time N hit 30 she had already lost her uterus and reproductive organs and survived cancer and gone 3 years without any remission. They were a young couple, who i felt at ease with. Our common beliefs and practices bonded us together and i remember chatting with N on the phone for hours, so excited to be able to help this couple. This was a compensated journey and i foolishly was in agreement to transfer 3 (grade A no less) embies. Sadly, we were working with the SHER Institute in Sacramento and the Dr. at the time who was practicing was shortly let go after our fiasco with them. They screwed up our calendar not once, but 2 times and myself and the IM ended up catching the mistakes that they were adamant would make no difference. But being that my IPs only had 7 frozen embies total, none of us were willing to take the risk. Finally, we transferred to an amazing clinic in Davis, where we were their first surrogacy. They were truly a wonderful clinic and renewed in us the hopes that this time was right, we were also transferring the same month as my birthday and on the IF's birthday!

Then as i started meds, my world came crashing down as i realized that my DH was human and had made serious judgement errors in regards to fidelity and our marriage. DH had an emotional affair on me, and its not something i hide. It's a part of our history. . .we are told to be shamed by it from others' response. But neither of us are human, i had a wicked temper on me and he had an affair. To deny it, is to refuse to learn from it. But, it affected me more then i was willing to let on, and my lining refused to thicken. Right then and there i called up N & H and let them know exactly what was going on in my personal life. I felt they had on the line too big of hopes, to risk hiding what was truly going on in my personal life. It was hard, i felt shamed and embarrassed to have to tell them what DH had done and what i was feeling. I let them know i could go forward with them because i knew how much they had invested in me already, I felt horrid amounts of guilt and responsibility. But my IPs were nothing but gracious and loving towards me, offering amazing amounts of help and support. We all decided that it would be best for them to move on, as we had no idea how the emotional toll would be handled by me and i had no idea what my life would hold. And i truly wanted them to have the best shots as possible at becoming parents.

I somehow managed to get through the fog of that year, living on my own with 2 small children. Working and supporting us while DH and i managed to get through our issues like to boxers in a ring. We inflicted many bruises on each others' hearts that year, and I'm so thankful that N & H were able to move on without having to deal with a surrogate who was so bogged down. I was also able to really focus on what i wanted in life. I could move on, pick myself up and start over. Or as a really smart lady (who i met ironically enough in the surrogacy community) told me, i could fight and figure out what God wanted for me and my family.

Clearly, God wanted us together. He wanted us to focus on us and healing and giving to each other, before i was ready to give to another family.

Fast forward back to my decision to give up on surrogacy after our chemical. A with the agency contacted me and let me know that she had the perfect match for me. It was an IM who was a midwife herself and believed in all the holistic stuff i did. How she wanted her child born at home and A had immediately thought of me. I told her to send me the IP's info and profile. I read through her email and thought that she really was on the same page as me. I talked it over with DH and we agreed I'd fly out to get screened and meet the IPs. This was happening for a reason. . . i had waited so long and we had tried so hard to help a family. I felt defeated to leave it on the note of the failure of our m/c.

I flew out, the RE was doubtful. Thinking that i had been rejected from the Davis clinic due to my lining and i explained the circumstances and handed him my most recent records which showed i had gone through a complete transfer in February and it had ended in a m/c which the embryologist believed was due to egg quality since the embies had been graded at a C. The RE told me he would give me a shot, but if my lining didn't thicken up by the first check, he was dropping me. I said, cool not an issue.

IM and i talked a few times, i was loving how much she was into natural stuff and home birth. Then when we both got our periods on the same day it shocked me, almost like 'This is meant to be'. We went over contracts and had everything tied up as transfer got closer the agency let it spill that the IM was intending on having the extra embie transferred to her, since i was against S/R and IM did not want to throw away one of her 'babies'. I was cool with that. She had had 15 m/c, maybe THIS would be low key enough for her since i was transferring with her, that this one would stick!

And the beginning of the end began. Now at 25 weeks I've realized the agency and the IM lied to me about a LOT of things. She has backed out on our home birth agreement, has been a nervous nelly, may in fact be 20 years OLDER then i was told, and at our recent visit has told us that she just recently got pregnant and miscarried herself again.

DH and i are going through a lot of un-needed stress and guilt. We don't know what way is coming or going, the agency refuses to answer our questions, its all 'privileged information'. As a surrogate, i have no rights to know the true age of my IM. I have no rights to push for the birth we agreed upon. I have no rights to wonder about the stability and sanity of a women who has shown ourselves, the midwives and the lawyer a lot of scary signs.

So, that is where i sit over halfway through our pregnancy. I am dealing. I am doing some extra counseling with my mw's who support me unconditionally through this all. And we are trying to figure out exactly what we are suppose to do. We are bound by a contract, we don't want to even try to deal with the red tape. And wish we could be much like ostriches, stick our heads in the sand until delivery day and then move on with our lives. The joy and hope has been sucked out of our relationship and it saddens me. So instead, i am focusing on being calm and peaceful so that no undue stress is placed upon this sweet little baby growing inside of me. All i can do, i suppose, is pray that the IPs in this situation get some help for themselves through serious counseling and that IM really is the age i was told. We are hoping that things settle down and the answers all become clear.

And sadly, it makes the loss of my FIPs that much more deeper for us. We find ourselves asking why? Why do IP's who were deceitful and dishonest end up pregnant, when a couple who gave every ounce of their being to have a child ended up losing their only hopes at one?

So as i earlier stated, this weekend i feel like flattened soda. You know when you're really craving that drink of soda. . . you open it up. You can taste it as it pours and you quickly take a sip only to realize its flat. Yes all the ingredients are there, but it doesn't emit those same bubbly feelings on your tongue. That's kind of how it feels.