Out of the blue

Amidst the chaos and stress of life, a mil and a surrogacy pregnancy those startling little moments hit you out of the blue which if you're not careful enough will pass you by without any notes being taken. So today, i take note of one such moment that filled my heart with joy and my eyes with tears as I was driving home after dropping my oldest off at school.

Let's rewind to this weekend and how we spent it. After feeling stressed and melancholy we packed up the family for a trip to our favorite beach, Fort Chronkhite. This is the beach that DH use to bring me to when we were dating to get away from life, he courted me, helped me heal with past issues in my life, and brought me to the ocean to get centered. When we lived in the bay area it was less then a 30 minute drive and where much of our dating years was spent. Sausalito is just down the hill and an easy place to fall in love, in fact it holds the fountain where i threw in my last quarter and wished that i would marry that very man who took me there. I tease the girls every time we pass by it, to be careful what they wish for.

So, as we drove up realizing it was going to feel much colder then the 53 degrees forecasted, we bundled up and walked on the beach for about 30 mins. We didn't last much longer, as the cold was biting into our ears. But the girls had a blast playing in the 'sand' as i noted how much of the beach had been effected by erosion. In 25 years 'my beach' will most likely be gone and the fort itself will be under water. The beach itself is called Rodeo Beach, i have a feeling it will be submerged before i hit 60. But DH and i promised each other we'd come back until that happened.

The 30 minutes was exactly what the soul ordered. When you're at the beach, outside life just seems to pass. The sound of the girls giggling, the waves slamming against the beach, the smells of the salt on the air. . . all envelope you as you just take in one of natures greatest gift. Realizing from this point on, the ocean looks as if it goes on forever. You are at the edge of 'your world' and its awe inspiring to realize that there is a huge wide ocean between you and the next person standing on the other side, possibly thinking or doing the same thing as you. For me, the ocean centers me. Makes me realize i am just one small part of the equation in this world and that i am so deeply blessed i can never be thankful enough.

As we left, DH breathed a sigh of relief to look over at me with a contented smile on my lips. I read his mind and said 'How can anyone NOT smile when coming here?' We drove through sausalito, and planned our next mini getaway and enjoyed the tourists and sights of the small town. As we drove back into the bay we were thankful for the ability to get away and pulled into my dad's investment house to settle in for the night. The following day we got up and made our way to our home congregation for church, it was the first time we as a family had stepped foot into a church since things had gone horribly bad with our marriage. It was hard, but easier then i expected. . . almost like coming home. Everyone was thrilled to see us and commented on how beautiful our family was, some surprised we were a family unit after hearing the whispers of our split and nasty divorce. But none judged and only gave us long, warm hugs. My dear friend who I've known since i was 5 was there with her DH and their son, and it was touching to watch my 3 year old play with her son and realize that her and i were 2 years apart too and this is how our friendship had begun. Playing under the pews, while our parents visited. This is the part of my family that i miss the most, but I've been to busy from protecting my heart to be humble enough to go back with bowed head and admit to God that i cannot go much further without Him back in my life.

We had a lovely weekend, and the entire time i didn't once stop smiling. Something Ive missed lately. A small gift I'm thankful for. And today as i was driving, it hit me. I am happy again. Yes, I'm stressed with the outside influences in our life that we cannot control. But deep down, I'm content and happy. . . so much so that at times i fear when the other shoe will drop. I realized that i love my DH, despite our past, more then i have ever loved a person before or ever will again. I'm so vulnerable, happy and contented with this man that i have chosen to walk this path with and the 2 children God has blessed us with, that i truly cannot imagine any other type of life to live. I cannot imagine any other family I'd rather share my life and heart with. It is so clear and so deep that the moment of realization takes your breath away as you realize, this is good. This is life. And this is what we built back up together and have been blessed with. God is good, and we are good for each other. I pray we never lose sight of it ever again.